Somewhere along the past…

( I do not remember when I wrote this, but when I read it, I knew this was me at one stage in life, probably around last year or might be in 2017 and I was helpless…

When I am stuck in moments like these, words pour out of me without myself putting any thought into it. I write and write until my heart and mind are pleased or relieved… When I later read those pieces, I am often astonished by the depth, seriousness and introduces me to a new side I haven’t met before. This side of me stays hidden and comes out when I am in deep thoughts or stuck in moments where everything fails except for words…

I have never felt more like a stranger to my own self when I read this.

I have decided to post more of these and express myself more for myself… I do not want to hide behind my fears… )

 

What has become of me? Right now at this very moment, I am confused and in a dilemma at all times. I am in a tough spot some of the times, maybe the majority of them. The world and the people in it are all a puzzle now. I seem to not understand what makes me me. It all seemed so simple back then, what happened now?

I can assure you it’s not life what has happened. Something else has changed and I can’t seem to put a finger on which part of the equation I have to fix in order to get out of this hole.

It was all easy a few moments before and now in the blink of an eye, I seem to be standing at no crossroad. I now stand at a path with various disruptions and continuations to many other paths. These new places and people confuse and intrigue me, reinventing myself at this point is not what I look for right now.

I feel like I have changed for the good in some aspects of myself. Change is a risk.

I would like to think it’s been good yet a tough ride to self discovery and achieving. I am honestly tired of it all.

Everything is a constant change.

Never have I felt more alone and complete at this point. I feel vulnerable yet strong somewhere along the lines.

I tend to finally feel at peace when I listen to songs that my soul cries out to in the nights.

Solace and quietness is what I look forward to now.

I feel like I have been real this entire while but there is also a constant void and lost sense of feeling that always lurks around. This feeling has partially consumed my body.

It won’t take too long for it to completely dissolve within myself.

I have brought out these new feelings in me which I am not used to. For the better or the worse, I do not know.

The most beautiful heartbreaking feeling in this universe is to keep all those pouring soul tearing emotions and thoughts in.

I want to tell it out but I don’t know how and I feel like I would lose some part of myself if I do that.

I have so many contradictions within me. There are so many undiscovered aspects of myself I want to know about.

Home has now become a confusing word. I feel nowhere at home except in the arms of my mom.

I wish I could hold onto everything that I love and not let it go.

I am tired of questioning myself. These questions now seem to wear me out.

Insecurities, fears, doubts have now established as a strong foundation in this body of mine and the process of discovering who I am beneath all this is in its works and is a long way.

There is a void in me which I don’t know how to fill

After all, Nothing is ever as it seems with me.

Why do time and life have to get in the way of it all?

 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Obsessions, Crushes and Love

Lately I have been obsessed with Panic! At The Disco, more sepcific Brendon Urie… What a god, so divine!!  I have always enjoyed and loved him and his music but lately I have started to take a bit more delight and turned up my obsession streak a bit top notch when I bought tickets to go for his concert in March.

That’s when it all began plumetting down. My obsession and fascination with Brendon Urie increased and now I am in love too deep.

This is the downfall of guys like Brendon Urie, why do they exisit if I can’t be with them?

JUST LOOK AT HIM, YOU CAN SEE HOW ONE FALLS IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN, it’s not only the looks but his personality and his god damn voice!! He is so real and so raw and true. That’s what makes him even more hot, atrractive and so lovable!! I am so happy for his marriage and him and Sarah are just so blessed to have each other!! He is such a wild spirit and you never know what he is up to!!

The amount of times I have died and lost my breath and mind looking at these GIF’s!!!! Also I just love him in glasses, cause MAHN HE IS SMOKIN!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Guys like these create unrealistic expectaions of all the guys out there and I am out looking for the one who fits into all my categories. Why can’t I have you????? The world is unfair

It’s really hard and God do I envy the women/men that are with these men? How god damn lucky are they?! I mean I am glad they found thier one but one can’t help but be terribly infuriated and jealous and upset. I am sorry, that’s just how I work… ( inserts I don’t give a damn face)

I find it really hard to like a guy because I cant’ find people who fit the description. There are very few, maybe five in thousands, but well it’s also a matter of them liking me. So it’s a complete loss-loss situation.I am the girl who watches movies and shows, read books, listens to music and then develop some serious crusheson the guys who are in all of the above which turns into love which then destorys me because I know I can never have them

These OTP’s, fanfictions they make my heart melt but also they are the worst because I expect love to be like that or to find love like that but in reality, we know that ain’t gonna happen. Somewhere in my mind, deep deep very deep inside, I would like to believe it’s gonna happen. All one can do is hope.

And also, this is where the mind does brilliance, I create stories in my beautiful worlds where I can be with them!! It’s just perfect in my head and how I wish I could live in that world of mine.

 

So, in this blog, I am going to mention the 7 people who I have always loved and will always love.

I obsesses and fantaszie more than these 7 people. I do have momentary crushes on celebs that last for months and will always be in the crush list, but these 7 people in this list will always remain in my heart forever and I will forever keep obsessing and fantasizing over them even after I get married, have kids, till the day I die and even in the after life. I am not going to rank them in any order because they all are at the special place in different ways. I already mentioned Brendon in the beginning and now here comes the rest!!

( Gosh you have no idea how excited I am!!)

Chris Evans

So humble, funny and the most down to earth guy out there!! The moment he steps on to any room, he lights it up with his vibrant self and that god damn smile. His sense of humor is the fucking best!! He is so open with everyone and he is such a kind and generous soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zayn Malik

I have always loved Zayn since the beginning of One Direction!! It took him real guts to leave One Direction and I do admire him for that, but I still can’t help but feel a bit sad. For me, he will always be a part of 1D, but apart from that, now he is doing so great with his music and he is so happy that he gets to express himself and I couldn’t be more excited with his music and himself. He is so free now and it really gives me joy!! I am loving him as an Artist and he is one of my top favourite artisit that I always listen to and his music is splendid on so many different levels. Wattpad fanfictions are also a result of me loving him more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dulquer Salmaan

Dulquer Salmaan, DS. He is such a great actor oh my dear lord!! He cares for his fans so much, I love his adventure and his enthusiams as an actor. He is so bold and always takes risks with his movies that I admire. He is such a versatile and such a good method actor.. I love all his movies and seeing him so free spiritied is such a vibe in itself espcially in the movie Charlie that is my all time favourite movie of his!! ALSO I GOT TO MEET HIM IN PERSON WHICH WOULD ALWAYS REMIAN ONE OF THE BEST MEMORIES OF ALL TIME

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Barnes

I mainly love him for how gorgeous and hot he is!! Especially in Westworld and Punisher and I also love his voice in the movie Jackie and Ryan especially in the song Southbound

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tom Felton

Seeing him as Draco Malfoy, a misunderstood chracater was the start to it all. His British accent tho!! It is so charming to hear and then seeing him in The Flash and his new series. I just love his personlaity, so humorus and jokey in a fun way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tyler Hoechiln but more so in the role of Derek Hale from Teen Wolf

He is a badass and well a warewolf, what more can I say?! He has a bomb personlity that I find hot and sexy as hell. What can I say?!, I have a thing for supernatural creatures like him NOT GHOSTS, can include demons if they are hot like Brendon from Emperor’s new clothes.

 

So, to sum it all up, that’s it!!

I would love to know who you guys crush on, cause I would also like to expand and explore my option!!

Capturing it, Breathing it, Living it…

Everyone has those ways to keep hold of something that is close to their heart, a way to remember those moments, a way to go through it all over again. I love how it works. It’s unique to everyone.

Remembering every aspect and detail of those time, memory and moment evoke a different sense of emotion and remembrance.

I have my own ways of playing it back over and over. Sometimes, the details can get a bit hazy, but the memory, time, people, the emotions and the moment always remains the same.

I do it through writing, taking pictures and videos, music, movies and mostly by remembering it all and being in the moment.

 

– Sometimes, there won’t be times where one can quickly whip out a phone and capture the entire moment because sometimes it ruins it. Then also capturing it also helps with making it a memory for eternity.

 

tumblr_p5z7t5ahTU1rkd4a4o1_500

 

You don’t get to be in the moment and enjoy it wholly.  All you can do is pay attention to your phone, see it through that and well that frankly upsets me. I like seeing it alive and also record some bits of it. I get the best of both worlds. I want to cherish this moment forever but also see it forever.

Even if I don’t capture it, I will always remember it. But I would be guilty to admit that I wish I had some physical source of watching it again but I would not regret it.

Sometimes, taking videos and pictures is also one of the best ways. Being in the moment, capturing it, reliving it while playing it in the times ahead. Seeing how joyful it was back then.

There are pictures that I take by my friends because I want to remember it or just because I dress up once a rare while, the background looks good. So why not?

There are some moments meant to be captured, some to be enjoyed, some to be meant for both.

 

– Music and movies

 

 

Certain music reminds me of home, my friends, my family, the streets that I have walked through, the memories I have shared with that person who I listened to this music with, or danced to in parties.  The vibes and feelings I wish to have again and live through. It has no bounds.

The playlists I have curated from each memory and story are the ones that I absolutely live for. It’s something of my own, so personal, where each song tells the memories and the emotions. It absolutely is of utter sheer magic because it feels so warm and good to have something of your own in which you can record your moments of life.

Movies, I still remember how different movies I have watched with different people evoke various stories and emotions. Each story had a good memory of its own. The laughter, the tears, the discussions, the fangirling. It was a memory to die for.

In a way through that music and movies, they helped me capture some of the best memories to ever exist.

They make you feel so much more. It’s one of the most intense after effects you experience after reliving it. It all comes down at once and drowning in it is the best. 

Watching the movies and listening to the songs are another experience of its own, combined with it, the memories and the moments you have lived through them. It’s altogether a new found discovery and bliss. 

 

– Writing

 

 

The process that I always find myself falling in love with the most. It helps capture and recapture the feelings in your heart, body, and mind with words. I always find myself good with words. When I can’t get my thoughts straight, I write because it helps me sort out, think and ponder.

It gives me a new found courage and bravery to confront with myself, thoughts and address it. These words help hide my fear but also show it to me.

So when it comes to capturing and reliving it, writing down how I felt, the moment, the people and the world. I learn and understand how I felt through these stories. Writing helps me capture the feelings I experience whilst being in the story. Remembering them from my memories and writing it adds a different feel to it. When I compare what I wrote back then and now, I discover and learn how much has changed. I learn a lot about myself.

When I look back and read through it, the words help me get a deeper aspect.

 

I love to revisit some of the memories and stories I have lived through. They make me calm and happy. I do wish many times that I could go back to them but then I look forward to more good memories and have fun reliving and remembering the stories I had.

There are those nights where my mind keeps me awake and many of the times, it always goes through the routine of remembering many of the things that have played out in my life. 

Sometimes, I also revisit some of the bad moments gone through life to remind myself that bad times eventually do fade away, but they leave a mark. They either charge you for the good or for the bad.

Sometimes, I also remember the embarrassing ones, I do not know why I do, I just simply do.

So that’s it, folks

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

Movie Talks

A new series emerges again, a series where movies I watch inspire me and make me think about that the topic of the film and more.

Today’s thoughts are based on the movie, ” The Bridges of Madison County”. This movie is based on a novel.

Starring Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep, it’s a beautiful well-thought movie that evokes loads of thoughts and feelings. It makes us think about the underlying feelings and emotions of love and family, and it’s complications.

How loving someone is so simple, but the relationship that comes along with it is complex. The mentalities of people, the responsibilities of having a family, the strains and limits that it takes on one, how difficult choices have to be made; ones that can even break you.

A love affair taken place in 4 days, 4 days that were of absolute bliss and perfection but it came crashing down when Francesca has to make a choice between her lover, Robert Kincaid and her family and children. It’s a tough movie to watch, and our hearts are always on the line with characters and the plot.

The end is a powerful and bold choice. She chooses to stay with her family, a sacrifice she made for her and her eternal love. She decides to keep her love aside and lived for the family, but she always loved him and will keep loving him. It’s a bittersweet ending.

It makes us wonder why couldn’t she leave her family and go with the man who makes her happy, the man who understood her, the man who she wanted to spend her life with.  A man who was kind and good of nature.

Love and connection like that only come once in a lifetime and she left that for her family. A great sacrifice indeed.

On the other hand, I do understand why she chooses her family. She knew she couldn’t leave her family behind, She would be leaving a whole other life she had back here to move on to a new different life. Responsibilities bound and kept her. I felt that she felt she owed it to them or maybe more, out of love but a different love, a love for the greater good of others.

I cannot stop wondering why she wouldn’t go with him? I also do understand why so she couldn’t go.

Why are families complex and robust? Why does one always have to sacrifice for the greater good? Why can’t one be selfish? But as you see once, one becomes selfish, so many lives are on the line. The lives you have interacted with and become a part of can be broken or are.

All it takes is a moment for an earth-shattering event to take place. A moment to make or break you.

Till the very end, I expected for a reunion, but I wasn’t given that. It got me thinking that’s just how some things in life are. Sometimes you don’t end up getting that. For some closure or out of pity, people tell change is good. Some change is good but what about the changes that we just cannot accept or fathom? We learn to be okay with it in the course of time.

We all live only once, why not do everything we love? We can but in this movie, she could but also couldn’t. Sometimes life gets in the manner and responsibilities, but we should and always ought to try our best in living the best lives.

Marriage is a respectable, caring loving yet a frightening institution, and along the fine lines comes the family. It still upsets me why she couldn’t leave, but as I said, I also understand why because I have seen it happen in real life but in a very different way.

It’s also the mentality of the minds that also got me about this movie, how we are raised to think of certain things and parts of life that are completely absurd and cannot be deemed as usual. We are expected to believe that life is some sort of routine and along with it comes certain expectations and moral are you are supposed to follow.

I do understand those morals have been established to ensure the happiness of the family and to keep it from falling apart but what happens if you are no longer happy?

What then? Are you allowed to leave it or continue living it for the family? Can you do both? But will they understand? Why isn’t there a fix to this? A protocol or a solution. Why do certain problems in the world that exist where answers cannot be found that makes everyone happy? Why must one get hurt and upset? Is this how the world functions and needs to work?

I do understand that there lie obligations, responsibilities and a life that you have build for yourself and your family, all on the verge, but if one isn’t happy with it, should we silently suffer for our loved ones, for the greater good? I know many people who have.

I know of many stories, but what I can’t find is a story that ends up with the person happy, with not many consequences, but I guess life is not a movie huh? Where one can direct and make it the way they wish to see.

We only live life once, and all this time, somewhere deep inside of us, we know we aren’t happy with it, but is it too late?

What if you realise that, at last, breathe of your life, you have a sudden epiphany that the life you have lived turned out to be the life you were never happy or genuinely joyous with. A life where one was unable to seek true happiness, joy and freedom. What happens then?

After we die, what happens? I don’t know.

Are our souls happy and finally free now that it’s over or will it be haunted by the life it never had and wished that it had? Will, our souls, roam around the face of the earth searching for that lost life or will it be lost forever without finding it? Will our souls depart from this earth after discovering what it always wanted or leave without finding it?

The answers are unknown, endless and of many.

 

I don’t know what will happen.

Probably I might have to be at my last breath to find out. 

 

I have many thoughts, many conflicting thoughts, many troubling choices and decisions lie ahead. For all of us, for me. I hope I can make the right choice without upsetting the world and myself.

I know for absoulte certainity that as the course lies ahead, I will be stuck at crosspaths, quite a lot of times. I do hope and pray that I can make decisions that will make me happy as well the people in it.

I also know that some or the majority of it might not be possible, but I am willing to try and not be afraid.

For the things that truly matter, I will fight. But if I loose? What can I do?

Perhaps I can be happy about the memory that it happened and then console myself by saying that certain things are not meant to be.

Countless other thoughts come into my mind and I cannot find an absoulute true answer that I want. There are always many sides to that thought.

I don’t know if I will ever find one clear answer to the thoughts and questions I have.  I do hope to find an answer that will make my mind at ease and heart at content.

Perhaps, maybe, there is not one clear answer but I do hope whatever I learn and whenever I learn will finally put me at contenment.

 

Or I might go searching for more?

The mind never stops working, does it?

 

 

4s85

 

The thing about yesterday

27th July 2018 Friday 2:00 PM 

It happened yesterday

It dawned upon me when I was sleeping

Nights always was and became the times for contemplation and hard truths

Soon, this month was going to end and the next month would dawn upon us in  a few days

Time to go back to university and to return to that life was hitting close now.

My mother was sleeping next to me and the thought of returning back shuddered me and I hugged her as tight as possible not wanting to let go.

I tried to close my eyes, empty my mind and sleep

I tried to think about things that made me laugh and of things that made me happy.

I tried to think of things that made me squeal with excitement and even the dark psychotic thoughts that made me want to kill the world

I tried to change the course of my mind’s direction through different ways but to no avail, it all eventually came down to the path of sadness and despair of leaving home and returning back to the “uni life”

I tried to hold it all in, the thought of leaving my mom, dad, my friends and my home.

I tried to contain it in. I really did try

I was a bomb that had to explode after all in order to contain myself

Then the tears started to flow down from my face bit by bit

Moments before it turned into an emotional breakdown, I once again hugged my mom tight, it was as if my brain was trying to remember and register even the tiniest of details about her before I leave.

I once again tried to stop the outburst but it was too late.

Mothers, they know everything

She sensed it all and asked whether I was crying

In my broken tiny voice, I simply answered no and then I proceeded to cry out loud and remained in her arms

She always knew what to say

She hugged me tightly, wiped my tears, told me what I needed to hear

I stayed in her arms crying for a long time

Crying and crying, I drifted off to sleep

I knew my cries and worries affected her, she always told me how bothered and upset she was when I cried

I always wondered what I would do without her, how I would live without her, all these thoughts deeply disturb me every day, I try not to think about it often but at every step in the walk of my life, that thought always lurks around me like a monster and a shadow never vowing to leave me ever.

All I could do is pray and pray.

She would do anything to see a smile on my face and for my future

She kept all her pains and troubles with her, very rarely does she show me her tears

She is a strong woman and I admire her so much

She is my strength and weakness

She does have her flaws, but after all, she is just human

No words could ever amount to the feelings I have for my mother

No words could ever capture the great deeds and things she has done for me and this family

I eagerly wait for that someday, a day where I can take my mother to a world only filled with happiness and joy.

She does justice to the word “mother”

We both are companions to each other

We both only have each other in this big world.

852-08535094

Special mention: To all the mothers out there, without you, the world would be incomplete. 

Thank you for everything. 

Thank you Amma for being there. I love you

Feeling things

12:00 AM July 22nd, 2018

Quite a day, today was.

Screams of my mom and myself filled the air. The usual.

Emotions were thrown and hurled around.

Pains and misunderstandings were on the minds.

But as night dawned upon us, it faded away into nothingness.

Apologies and amends were made.

We returned back to the loving bunch we were.

Yet somewhere in our minds and hearts, the marks of it are always imprinted.

 

This day, I was made to feel different feelings and emotions from different sources. Every day, I do feel something or the other, but today was different, like some of those other days. 

Reading and watching “Call Me By Your Name” overwhelmed me with emotions. It made me understand more about love and the pains of it. The ending of the movie, it’s raw magnetism, the character breaking the fourth wall with its heart-wrenching tears and realization.

A Netflix movie “Margarita with a straw” made me vulnerable and emotional. I learned about difficulties, challenges and changes.

Again, Netflix does its miracles by throwing me into the jaws of a documentary, “Dark Tourist” I learned quite a lot about the dark culture of different countries and also the dangers of some. A very intriguing and new concept and to watch the journey unfold was quite the enjoyable time. Taught me a lot.

David does justice to the show as well as to himself. I found him to be the type of person I see myself becoming very close friends with. I would say some of the interests are not up my alley, but I wouldn’t mind friends who do it, because I would like to get into the brain and know all their experiences through them.

I also find his accent very energizing, interesting, unique yet calming. Not afraid to speak out what he feels about the experiences and I love the way he is not afraid to push his limits into trying something new. His commentary, never unnecessary, everything just plays out right.

We get to experience a lot through people like them. These kind of people are one of the wonders and miracles in this world.

David phrases it quite well in fact. His words on Dark Tourism is “Escaping normality to stumble onto something beautiful and unexpected. ”

One of the philosophies I keenly and heavily follow. I escape reality and go into my mind because it’s a world created by me to do anything I wish and desire. A world to come into when I am upset, happy, excited and much more feelings.

Out of this, I feel a lot of things, but nothing ever sad.

I am the audience and the actor in this movie of mine.

Something just for myself. A place to unleash my unwanted and wanted thoughts and dreams. 

It’s a world of mine where no one could ever tarnish or bring it to ruins with their words and self. A world just for me to devour.

How much ever I put it into words, it simply isn’t enough to describe how much it means to me and why. Maybe, sometimes no amount of words could equate to the feelings.

Everything in this world teaches us one thing or another. It’s always exciting to learn. A process I hope to never get tired of. 

 

 

 

Teaching and joys.

July 17th, Tuesday, 10:38 pm

It all happened as I was watching Star Wars: Episode 5- The Empire Strikes Back. It all happened in the blink of an eye. The question was popped up after a few moments the movie began.

A few moments into the movie, my mom pokes at me and tells, “my friend, asked me if I was on Instagram”, and well it got her thinking and finally, the moment happened!!

She asked me to make an account for her and teach all the basics and tricks. I have been begging and nagging my mom on making an account on Instagram and finally, that day has come!!

God how elated I was!! I was over the moon!!

I dropped everything all at once and went on to help her in this mission.

The joy and the curious look on my mother’s face was the world to me and my heart melted with joy and overwhelming cuteness when I saw my mother trying to learn the world and how everything she loved was in one platform.

We took it a step by step. I taught her all the basic functions of what each thing does. We followed all her favorite actors and things that she loved. We followed her friends as well. She was extremely happy and delighted.

A quick learner, in fact, she is. ( PS: Why does this sound like something Yoda would say? :} )

It was cute on how she got scared when she saw new follow requests. She looked up to me and told in a cute childlike manner that she got scared and did not know what to do.

At that moment, I felt like the mother in our dynamic and told her to be calm, think, and only be friends with people who she knows. I held her hand, kissed her forehead and told this was all a part of the process.

This learning process continues tomorrow as well.

I find her curiosity and surprise adorable and god in moments like these, I understand that there is so much out in the world that is new to her and I can’t wait to be the person to introduce her to all of it.

Every now and then, she checks on her phone, laughs, and giggles at the posts she sees. I can’t help but be softened by this.

Is this how feeling proud and happy feels? I think so.

My heart is all fuzzy and warm. It feels nice. Was this how all my mentors felt when they taught and shared knowledge?

I guess it differs to everyone. Like Corey Matthews once said, Teachers are the foundations of this world. I do believe it, because behind every student, there has to be come teacher who inpsired them to take what they are doing now or or atleast they might have inspired them in some way or the other.

If not, I do understand it.

Moments like these make me happy and are what I live for. Moments like these reassure me, even if today was a simple and a basic task, teaching is what I want to do in the future.

It gives me joy, happiness and I can’t wait to impart knowledge and be that teacher who brings new ideas to the class. I already have planned a list on what kind of a teacher I wish to be and there are also a list of teachers who inspire me. I have always taught students and kids and I know I can be a good teacher. This topic is for another post, someday.

Right now, All my mind can even focus on are on my mom and her immense happiness!! I am so proud of her!!

Now I have got to get back to my movie and poor R2, I love that robot!! Yoda and R2 tho!! Hillarious!! I love Yoda, Gawsh I love the robots, Chewbacca, and Yoda so much!!

Farewell and until next time!!