I want you.?

Some song plays and I am reminded of you in some manner. We might not know each other well but I really want to get to know you and I wish I could be with you.

I wish I could spend time with you. I enjoy talking to you and I wish we could just talk more about so many different things.

I know I can live just fine and amazing without you in my life but if you were in my life, it would make me a bit happier.

There are a few things that I wish for sincerely in my life and I guess you are one of it.

I wish I knew what was going on in your mind when we talked. I wish I could figure out why you want to talk to me or why you just send me messages out of the blue.

There are times when I completely forget about your existence and then there are times when the world makes me remember everything about you.

I only know so little about you but I still wish we were together in some manner, as friends or maybe something more.

I don’t think this is a crush I have on you or an obsession. I am going to rule this out as an unwanted fantasy/desire that has unnecessarily cultivated in my mind.

I don’t like you but I think I do at some points. It is a conflict I have been trying to deal with but I am helpless. These sudden out of the blue moments make me question so much.

I don’t understand why I feel too much. I am confused by everything my mind feels for you. I am lost but I am fine.

I wish there was a way to end this. You started this harmless conversation, so why can you not end it by doing something? I guess I am to blame as well because I like to respond to you.

I hate feeling this way but I enjoy the giddiness and the hopes. My heart leaps in teenage giddiness and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been through this road once and I am not keen to be on this road again knowing the outcome.

I wish there was some sort of closure I could get. I do not mind the outcome of the closure, be it bad or good. I just want a closure and not this vast doubt plaguing me.

I am falling for you and there is nothing I can do about it.

I hope this helpless crush becomes obsolete

Why am I chasing after something that is not meant to be?

This is just a silly game isn’t it?

This is absolutely nothing and I should just stop.

If not you, someone else. This would keep going on until I hit some sort of end.

Dancing At Two Am

As I was preparing to go to sleep, I decided to suddenly play some Hindi songs and let us say, I did not sleep for a very long time

I danced, pranced around my room imagining scenarios where I would get to perform these songs, weddings, parties and what not!

It was an amazing dance party! A party where my truest colours were lit around the entire room! I decided to let my best friend in on the secret and I sent her two videos of me just dancing and being my best!

After dancing to the fun songs, the romantic in me took over. Hindi romantic/sad songs for some reason have a strong grasp over my heart, the words, the rhtyhm, it makes sense. It makes you want to be in love and be in mutiple heart breaks just so you can imagine what it is like to go through those feelings in the song.

When I was a child, I asked my mom what these songs meant and she said they didn’t mean anything. They were just a bunch of words put randomly to create something for us to sing along. I trusted her blindly without question.

As I started to grow, I started to search for the answers to the questions myself. As I started to grow up, develop feelings and also understand the language more; I started to finally understand what everything meant.

What each moment of the song was trying to say and how I can possibly relate to it now or sometime in the future.

As I go back to listen to these songs, new feelings that were once not there are present as I listen to these old songs I once loved.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love and I beg to relate to it truly for at least once. With these songs, I am starting to understand and my heart wants more. The pain hits harder than ever before.

I guess that is what happens when you start to grow up and understand. You understand how complex and deep everything is rooted and once the wave hits, you sink in deeper.

The songs and movies that didn’t make sense suddenly make a whole lot of sense. Things I didn’t find once touching or meaningless now mean the whole world to me and are the most beautiful.

Why does everything mean different when you grow up and listen to it again? The meaning you thought back then was not what you think now.

When you close your eyes, concentre on nothing else but just the words and rhythm, you can slowly start to feel your heart clench, in pain or joy. I don’t know but what I feel now is pure truth and pain.

When my mother said that statement to me, did she really believe it and if she did, how did she even like the songs she liked back then if she believed they had no meaning. I bet she doesn’t remember that she told me this, but I remember every syllable as clear as day.

When those songs she liked played, why did she react if she believed they had no meaning? I guess she said that to stop the curious and annoying questions that I would ask her further.

Why am I doing this right now?

When small, many things don’t make sense and some do

When you start growing up, many things start to make sense and some still don’t do.

If any of you are interested, I will link down the songs I love to listen to that make me feel the most



Love letters to myself

I was thinking about the good things I like about myself and I could barely come up with Ten things I like but when I started going down the bunny hole of all the bad things about myself, that list outweighed everything.

Is it just me or is that all of us? Do our negatives outweigh the positive?

Do we ever look on the positive? Do we only have that limited qualities we love about ourself? Why?

We should have more than a Hundred reasons as to why we love ourselves. Perhaps, we should see ourself in the eyes of people who love us. I guess we will know our worth but why do we need someone to see what we love about ourself. We should know our self worth and why we love ourselves.

It is just that there are different perceptions of beauty and what it means to be beautiful and it is all very confusing.

Some of the people stick to the traidional norm of beauty which I find silly. Beauty comes in all shapes and form and if you want to change something about yourself, you should do it to make you happy not just because someone is pressuring you to change.

Be you and be proud of it! Own it!

This is going to be a series where every month, I write something I love about myself. This is not boasting but self love that we all need to do every day and not just once a month.

I want to focus on the physical beauty as well as the inner shine in me! I am going to alternate between physical and inside beauty.

Eventually I will be running out of body parts to list, so I will have to stick to other aspects I like about myself. It is going to be quite a challenge to write out what I like about myself. It seems like a passage of self discovery.

Sometimes all it takes for us to come crashing down is one moment of self doubt, comment or anything and we forget everything that is good about us. So, when I feel low or insecure, I can go back to these letters and remind myself why I should love me!

I want all of you to do this as well! Love yourself every day!

When it comes to physical beauty, I blank out. I literally do not know what I find beautiful about me. My mom says I am beautiful but she is my mom. That is her job. She loves me, so she says it and so does my dad and my grandparents. I just do not see it.

Today, I am going to try and figure out one physical aspect I love about myself.

This is hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.

Dear Roshni,

This is Roshni writing to Roshni!

The first thing that came to my mind is that I love our eyebrows. They are thick and just suit our face!

It makes me feel confident, beautiful and cute! My mom says I got her sister’s eyebrows and I am glad! She was a very beautiful person inside and out. God bless her soul!

My eyebrows help me express a lot of emotions. I can be sarcastic, mean, confused, bubbly. You name it and I can try and do it.

My eyebrows make me feel amazing! When I go and get my eyebrows done, it makes me feel so confident that I can take on the whole world.

It feels weird not writing a very long passage as to why I love my eyebrows. Usually, I find myself ranting on and on but this feels short and precise. I think sometimes that is just it.

It feels right ending it now.

How long?

I go to sleep with tears rolling down my face making its way to seep into the pillows

I have drenched myself into a beautiful melancholy of sad music. As each tone begins to play, I start to associate different moments of sadness to it.

I want to go back home  A home filled with memories and moments I lived happily in  I want to run through fields of time and spend each moment getting lost in those fields. 

My heart throbs and pounds  It races and runs out of breath  My mind races to help but it too gets stuck in its own quick sands I do not struggle with getting out, so I just accept my choice to sink. 

The thing with getting out using force is that you never free of yourself from what you feel You are abrupt with the escape  You are not closured You leave it and move on…

When it comes back later, it comes with a powerful wave and knocks you down again but  this time, it promises to be stay there for longer and will make you feel everything you once forgot to allow yourself to feel.

I am so confused  I want to cry endlessly  Every moment that once scared me is coming back to haunt me Every moment where I spent nights crying inside my mind is coming back to suck the tears out of me.

The grudges that I carry inside me, I do not anymore I am not proud of those grudges  I want to feel liberated but how can I when people think so wrong of me? I want you to be happy, person. When I speak of you, visible moments of hate present themselves but my grudge does not continue to lament.

All I know is that I have a feeling growing inside me, a feeling to be loved I want to engage in acts of love without having to think about next day’s and regrets I want someone to be beside and hug me, placing sweet and sensual kisses on the side of my neck while telling me everything is okay.  I want to drift into the unknown with him.  Why would anyone ever love me and for what? For just one long second, I want to act without having to think about consequences.

I want to cry  I want to cry and pour my heart out I am doing everything I can to make this happen but nothing seems to work. Instead, I have this anxiousness building up and I have no cracks for my tears to come through 

How long will I have to cover up the deep gnashes cutting me so that others won’t judge us all?  Why hide the truth when everyone knows it but it can’t be brought to light because the world would look down on us?  How longer would I have to care? Why care about the world at all when it is our lives being lived? Give me an answer and I will remain silent  I do not want to be a pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good.

It is not easy growing up because more feelings come into play and sometimes there is no way to comfort them  My imagination cannot always fix it for me  That very imagination wrecks my soul.

Feelings create poetry  Sadness creates beauty 

How long can I convince myself to deny the  thing that fixes a part of my life because of the consequences that come with it?  I seem to be loosing at everything I care about. 

As I get ready to sleep onto my pillow The stars in my sky fall down leaving a canvas of black  My sadness says goodbye letting me rest for tonight promising to invite itself back again for an other time

Until then. 

For you

I don’t know how we end up meeting each other or even if we are destined to meet, but I would like you to know, I do have some hopes for us to conquer.

Hi, I am a girl who is miles away from you. I do not know if we have passed as strangers once or if we know each other and we are not in talk with each other or we might be just strangers.

I am a Gemini and the most stereotypical yet true aspect of me is that I exhibit dual personalities. This does not mean I shift from one persona to an other. It just means I think about both aspects of the coin. For many of the aspects, I just can’t decide on one. I have different sides to different people of my life. I thought you should know that.

I believe in destiny and fate and soul mates but at the same time, I don’t. At times, I think it’s all bullshit invented to make you believe and to keep going and at other times, I think it’s simply wonderful. Loosing yourself in something so wonderful and messy.

I have a lot going on in my mind and that may upset you because I can’t get it all out to you. I like having some of it in my mind, it is my haven. If I really like you, I will open it to you. I don’t know how but I know I am capable of that.

I watch a lot of movies and shows. So, from that I have a defined perspective on what I would like to have from a relationship. I have never been in one and I am not sure as to how it works. I have seen friends be in them and I feel for every relationship, it is unique. You have your own way of working but there is some common ground shared by all relationships.

To be honest, I am scared of being in a relationship. There are going to be so many changes and I don’t know if I will ever be ready for that but on the other side, I am looking forward to it. I don’t know what is expected of me in this. I am going in blind sided and I hope we both can help each other.

I have expectations of some cliches coming true. The cliches of where you talk all night, under the stars or in the comfort of your bed under the warm blankets. The cliches of having simple, fun and memorable adventures. I watch these couples on TV and in movies and it makes me wonder will I ever have that? Will we ever have that?

We might make our own version of it and I am excited to be in that. I would love to have long conversations where you and I ask the deepest questions that make us think and wonder. I would love to keep asking you questions and getting to know how your mind works. I would like you to do the same for me, if you are interested in that.

I do not want us to change aspects of ourself that keep us real, I want us to stay original but also change for the better. Change when it is necessary, change when the environment and the world wants us to and when we feel like it. I want us to undertsand why we have changed.

I do not want us to spend our entire time in a relationship. I do not want our relationship to be the reason I have or need to exist. I do not want our relationship to define our identities, I want us to spend our time out of our relationship as well, with friends and families. Devoting our entire time to each other might make us a little crazy.

I want to watch movies with you every week for the rest of however long we might be together. A movie of your choice and also of mine. I look forward to sharing our agreements and disagreements.

I want us to talk about everything but I also want to enjoy silences with you.

I look forward to seeing you passionate about things that you love. I look forward to being a part of your suggestions and acting on them.

I carry a past that hurts me and a present that hurts me as well. Someday, when I tell you about it, I do not want you to judge and blame them for their mistakes and the hurt they have caused to me. I want you to listen and just be there. I want you to respond in the way you feel like. I look forward to times where you and I comfort each other after bad days and fights.

These are some few things I thought you should know about me.

I get hurt pretty easy. Some times I show it, some times I don’t. I like to have some time alone with myself. When I am angry, I want to be left alone because that helps me calm down and understand the situation. When I am upset, I don’t know what to do. So I am hoping you might.

I love to read and I love books. So, if you want to buy me anything, you can buy me books of my suggestion or yours. If you feel this is a book I like, go ahead and if you want me to read a book, I will.

Bookstores and libraries make me very emotional and it is often hard for me to come out of them. I like to be in the woods and near the oceans and beaches! They are a safe space and I feel very at home there.

I love food! I am excited to try out so much food!! I want to travel the whole world. I want to have so many adventures with you and also by myself.

I am also obsessed with skylines and city lights in the night! I have a weird obsession towards them! It’s a beautiful fantasy to live in!

I love to write. Writing is a way I confront myself. Writing is a way I console myself. Writing for me means so much.

I have a lot of emotions and I embrace them fully. Some day, I hope you might too and I am ready to embrace whatever you have as well.

There are so many more things I want you to know but I think you will figure it out.

I will always be loyal and be there for you. I will love you and I will tell you when you are wrong, when I am right and when I am wrong. I will try to accept the times when I am wrong and I will try not to keep fights or petty mistakes against you as a weapon.

I also want to say I am truly sorry for every mistake and fight I have caused between us. I am a temperamental person. I tend to loose my temper pretty easy and I say hurtful stuff, but I want you know I never mean those. I never think before I say those stuff and when I think about it later, I wish I had never said it. But what use is it when the moment has already passed? So I apologise and I will also apologise in the future as well when it is my fault.

I do not only want to dwell in fantasies, passions and cliches of mine. I want to dwell in yours too.

I don’t think I believe there is just one love for you. I believe there will be many loves for one person if they keep looking for it. The thing with each love is that it will be unique and differ from one love to an other. So that can be unique and be just the one, but I believe that you may be the only love in my life and I will be happy for eternity.

I hope everything goes fine for us. I hope you and I have led the relationship and life we both want and deserve.

I write this for you in hopes that someday you will read it and understand. There are some things I might not say to you in person but in this piece, I mean it for you.

Most importantly, I just want us to be happy and figure it out by ourselves, not have a cheat code manual on how to be happy and prosper. I want to be on this journey exploring so much with you and also by myself.

Seeds of hope

Stage 1

Seeds of hope are sowed carefully onto you knowingly or unknowingly by a sower.

That sower can be your mom, dad, your friend, your enemy, a stranger, God, the universe or even you.

Hope for love, hope for money, hope for happiness, hope for more; different seeds like these are sown.

When sown, you think nothing of it. What it would do to you and What you would do.

Stage 2

A seed of hope has been planted.

Every day is spent in agony wondering how the seed is growing.

Many a times, growing these seeds are good. The nature of it is what matters. In this case, a bad seed has been sown.

A small seed is enough to cause a massive stir. The smallest insignificant detail slowly tends to outgrow the practicalities in you. It descends upon you and drives you into madness slowly.

I am exposed and stripped to my very core. I need an armour to fight off the delusions planted by my sower.

It takes days for the seed to develop into something.

There is still hope for it not be something.

Stage 3

The seed has begun to sprout under the watchful eyes of the sower.

When the pests try to contain the seed from growing, the sower adds fertilisers to your mind protecting you from the realities outside.

Seasons change, different conditions and temperatures have started to affect the seed sown. It is rising and nothing seems to snip it down. It is seeding now.

With all the right conditions, it will turn into a sapling. A step closer to a greater fall or a greater good. I am not sure until I am provided with the cirucmstances.

Stage 4

The seed has sprouted into a sapling.

A sapling is under nurturing, being nurtured to be a part of something big and unknown.

It continues to grow without no feller cutting it down. It would have been an easy and sad death with minimal consequences.

It is growing to withstand amongst the harshest of conditions and very little gentle breezes.

Some one cut it down before it matures into a tree. I beg of you. This tree will only end up in a sad demise once grown.

Stage 5

During the fragile years of the sapling, it had been fed false hopes that could have been true if fate had not altered the plans.

If the feller or the sower would have shown mercy, this tree would not have to suffer for as long it was intended.

This tree could have been snagged at the very beginning but instead, it has chosen to grow and be in the wild.

Since it has matured to its very peak, no one no longer showers it with love or give it a pretence of a false hope. Instead, it is now slowly beginning to survive in the wild, learning, watching and suffering.

Stage 6

As the tree starts to grow older, the hope starts to die by bits.

The tree learns how to live with what it has been given but the sliver of hope still remains. That sliver of hope drenched in fantasy is what might keep it going. A fantasy of being nurtured and loved.

The regret of that hope sown is evident. The tree no longer stands with the vigour its predecessor carried. It now stands cracked, grey and leafless.

The decayed bits of the tree return back to the soil, its nutrients waiting to be soaked by the future seeds.

One will never be lucky enough to reap the fruits bore by the tree.

I guess that seed was sown just to be killed later.

Some Times, Many Times

Some times, I wish I did not have to account other people’s feelings into consideration before I erupt.

Many times, I unfortunately do so and then regret it the moment later. I am now learning to care more and I understand that now.


Some times, I wish I did not live in a world where life is this unfair.

Many times, I have no other choice but to live in this unfair world.


Some times, I wish I had all the time in the world to do everything I want without the need to worry for money

Many times, I fantasise about doing so but ultimately fantasies lead you no where. So I am doing my best and working hard so that I have the money to do everything I want and hope.


Some times, I wish I did not have to live a life where I only remember sorrows and seeds of hate

Many times, I have now realised this is the life I was given and there is nothing I could do to change it


Some times, I wish I could share more

Many times, I understand why I haven’t


Some times, I wish not to be consumed by the idea of love knowing what I expect will never happen

Many times, I let it happen


Some times, I wish I could leave for the woods and a city like New York

Many times, what I do instead is I listen to music and watch videos that make it possible


Some times, I wish I was more creative and not filled with remorse or self doubt about what I could do

Many times, I believe I am more than what I think and believe but my doubts plague me down

Some times, I loose my sleep and mind thinking if I will ever make it

Many times, I doubt if I would make it and Many times, I have hope that I will make it.


Some times, I wish the world could be a better place in terms of everything

Many times, I wish the world could be a better place in terms of everything and I try doing my bit to make this world a better place for everyone and everything. When it succeeds, I am happy and inspired to do more.


Some times, I wish I had not watched that many movies which have now influenced me to think that my life could perhaps be like that

Many times, I am glad I have watched those movies because that is the only way I could ever live a life like that


Some times, I wish I did not have to feel so much

Many times, I am glad I could feel the way I feel


Many times, I feel my heart shatter at the sight of homeless people and the jobs one needs to do to have a living. I wonder what can I do to help? Then I realize, by growing up and getting a job, I can do my bit for them.


Some times, I wish I could do something about the dark desires I want to do

Many times, I have chosen not to act on it because I do not want to take part in painting the world red contributing to everything bad


Many times I wish I did not feel a burst of sadness and sympathy when I look at old people who remind me of my grandparents

Some times are the only times I take an action to spend time with them.


Many times I wish I were not engrossed in my laptop and on my phone

Sometimes I decide to spend some time in the outside world with my family and that time is actually worth spending.


Some times, I wish I was not given this life. I wish I had been offered a choice for a life I wanted to lead

Many times, I am glad I got this life but the hope still lingers


Some times, I am envious when people think of my life not exciting as other

Many times, I simply do not care and move on


Some times, I wish I had a sibling so that I would never fear being alone when my parents leave me

Many times, I am glad I am the only child in my family because I love that I am the sole receiver of all their love


Many times, I wish I could lie down in a room so high with a view that overlooked the city lights listening to music that make me feel everything

Many times, I find myself wishing to be in a cabin in the woods amongst the forest listening to the rain and writing

Many times, I find myself dreaming of being in an apartment so high where I could see the rays of the sun spread across the whole city.


Many times, I wish I could honour every promise I have made to everyone I ever love

Some times in many, I have honoured those promises


Some times, I wish I had a best friend who was all to myself. A best friendship like Miley and Lilly, Alex and Harper and like the F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Many times, I am so blessed to be in best friendships unique and happy to me.


Many times, I dream about a love so great that the whole world will write stories about someday.

Many times, I understand the probability of it not happening. Many times, I come to terms of my reality and what is offered.


Many times, I wish I was handed a childhood where I did not have to see my parents fight a lot.

Some times, I wish the Armageddon would come and sweep it all away.


Many times, I wish I did not have regrets in life to look back upon

Some times, I realise those regrets were needed for me to learn but I cannot help thinking on how they could have been avoided. I guess that is just my mind. Never satisfied.


Many times, I wish I had not kept so many secrets from my parents. I wish I could have let them know it all but I know I will be judged, possibly even worse.


Many of the times, I dwell in the nostakgaix of my childhood and wish I were trapped in that state forever

Many of the times, I am glad I am growing up to be more independent and free because I can edit my own path and see where it goes. I am happy for the freedom I get and for the chances I can take. I am also happy because of the progress in growing up because I get to be further away from all the fights I have to witness.


Some times, I wish I never left my home

Many times, I am glad I did but then I weep at stages


Many times, I wish people could see me through my eyes and not theirs

Some times, I am glad that is not the case because through different eyes, different and unique perspectives come out and you learn a lot more that way. You know they like you or do not like for who you are from their eyes and not from the monstrous eyes you have. It makes things slightly better in many ways.


Many times, I wish I could be happy with the way I am

Some times, I am very ecstatic and proud and then the other times I am not and I wish I could change every single detail about myself.


Many times, I wish I could show people the changes I wish they could bring upon themselves

Some times, I ponder on why they can’t see what they do.


Many times, I wish life had not handed me the atrocious parts in a sliver platter

Some times, I understand why life handed me them. To make me grow or I deserved it?


There are going to be plenty of these some and many times in my life and I know I can do something about it or nothing at all.

I will try and achieve as many of these some and many times in my life but also what I like to do instead is to fantasise and think of the possibilities rather than end my misery because there is something in this misery that keeps my mind alive and ticking.