One Last Look

Friday 26th October 2018

It was time to leave again. It was a short visit for four days to home to resolve an issue.

Taking a break from uni and going back for that short time was just diffcilut because I was used to my routine and breaking it and leaving felt hard because I knew when I would return back to my routine, I would have a hard time adjusting to it again.

Life surely had it’s ways of working.

After those 4 short days, I was going back to university, a life that I was starting to love and enjoy. But right now, I couldn’t savour it because I was leaving my home, my past, my childhood, my memories, my nostalgia, my essence for good.

I was leaving this part of Dubai, Bur Dubai, My home for 18 years and moving into a new unkown tritory somewhere in Dubai, but not that I can call it home.

As I was getting ready to leave the flat, a few minutes before, I went around my small home and gazed and loooked at every nook and corner in every room. I remembered the 17 years of my life, the life that I spent in this building and neighbourhood.

Bitter sweet ones they were.

I smiled, but it was a sad one.

With my bags ready to go back, I stepped out and as soon as the doors shut, that was it. It was the end of an era.

I looked back, wished and dreamed that it was all a bad nightmare. A nightmare that I could wake up from but it just kept going on. It did not stop to comfort me, instead it just moved ahead.

As we got into the car, my mom held my hand. I looked at my building, the streets, the night lights, the shops, the roads and I kept looking back and I did not want to say goodbye. Not yet, probably not ever.

She couldn’t help but hold my hand tight and say that we will be back here for drives and visiting, but we both knew it would never be the same. I looked around the streets again, I Β was trying so hard to fit all of it into my brain at one go.

In that moment, I felt that living there my whole life wasn’t enough to capture everything. I needed more of it. I did not want to leave something so comforting and familar, it had it’s flaws and horrible times but it was home.

The home that was there for me throughout my life. It felt too hard to let go.

It felt as if I was slowly letting it all go, forcefully. Someone was taking it away and there was nothing I could do but simply watch as I let it slip through my hands.

 

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It was hard to follow and understand what Robin said, but when I think about it.

It’s true. Sometimes things had to change and I should be greatful that I wasn’t leaving Dubai. I was moving into a new place with new beginnings. That is something to look forward to. More memories.

It was just that small part of my heart I had to say goodbye too. It hurts and breaks every single time, but in time it would be healed and fixed. It would still hurt to think about it but maybe, a bit less than before.

I thank you and love you so much home, for what you have done and taught me. I will always love and remember you.

 

You will always be a part of my eternity.

 

Going back to Airports have always been the worst part of going to Uni. I would like to put this in simple words as possible, IT SIMPLY JUST SUCKS. There is no easy way ever to make this process a less painful one.

I can never get used to it. I would like to say that someday I would hope to change that, but as i keep growing up and with time moving on so fast, it seems to get tougher every time.Β 

Whilst on the way, I looked at the streets, the lights shined bright but not the type of bright that would make you happy and heart content. It was the type of light that made you remember all the special moments in your life. It was the type of light that remindes you why you fell in love with it the first place. It was the type of light that would make you not want to go back. It captures you and makes you want to see it every single day, for the rest of your life. It traps you in a trance. It’s magic that you never want to let go of.

As I was nearing the destination, I gave the old memory box a quick look and winded it. I replayed each one of those memories. It was nice but felt sad, every single time.

I would not go into the details of the airport check in process because I dislike it immensely but I would give you an insight on how it all went down when I had to say goodbye.

Every time I took a step to leave for the check in, I would go back to return for that one last hug. I did not cry but as soon as I gave that final goodbye, I walked and then came the tears. I did not let them see me cry because I woudln’t want them to cry too. I wanted them to see me happy and content. That’s the least I could give them for being the good parents they are, and I left to return back to my life here, at Nottingham.

 

So that was it

Those four days marked the end of an era

And on the last day, I had my one last lookΒ 

 

 

Those songs tho….

 

When I say music? I want you to think of the first word that pops up into your head..Β DONT STOP TO THINK.

So have you thought of it? Now, I don’t know what you have in your mind, but when I say this, I hope you can all relate.

” Music is one of the forms of my therapy”

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There are so many times when only songs have understood me. There are so many songs out there in the world for each one of your different moods. There exist playlists of songs for each mood. It’s all out there.

Some reasons as to why music is simply at it’s best?

  • The long midnight walks that I take with the city lights, stars and the night sky. Music has been my friend at those times and I find solace in it. With each step, beat and word, there is a feeling that cannot be dismissed. Sometimes it’s the dark fuzzy feelings that one occasionally get or the feeling of pure silence and then that song playing in your ears just pushes you to the edge.
  • Lying down on the grass, or in the middle of nowhere, just gazing upon the stars with that song playing. Holy Mamma, that’s a pretty good darn feeling. Everything just soaks and sinks in. All the feelings muster up and come to the surface. Then the feels hit you and emotions start to downpour.
  • We all have that one place, that place where we go to and all our troubles fade away into nothingness just for that while. I do have that place, a small hillside where I can see the city lights or sometimes it’s the high fire escapes that lets me see the night sky and city lights. What adds to that tranquility are the songs. Β It feels comforting. One of the places I feel and know that I belong there and nothing could ever bother me.

 

 

 

 

  • During solo road trips and also during the road trips with friends, the songs that you sing aloud to on the radio or all of you taking chances to play each one your favorite song. Be it any case, but the memories created because of that sing-along moments, won’t you treasure it forever?
  • Songs many a time have helped me to block out fights at home. I sit in a room, plug-in my earphones and listen to the songs that help me escape the screaming wars. It does help for a certain time and then I am back to reality. But that little time is just enough to settle and help me.
  • Songs help me connect with many people and places. There are certain songs that help me cope up with homesickness. Sometimes, when certain songs play, I go back to where I heard the songs and the situations this song has been played in.

 

 

 

  • Listening to the songs that give me the vibes that I look for and need are the best ones to ever exist.
  • Many a time, for the fantasies and stories I create, I use a certain and quite a lot of songs for each mood and different plots because music helps to intesnify and make things a whole of lot of better. My mind creates these fantasies for me to escape reality and well some of them, because I know there are certain dreams and desires that can’t come true, so why not use the powerful tool we have? Our mind, because anything is possible in that tool of ours.

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  • The oldiesΒ are one of the best ones to exist. Reflecting back to those times where our parents used to sing along to them and to be honest, they have a really good feel to it.
  • And the songs of the 2000’s damn….. Pop culture simply at it’s best!! Played in every class parties and the radio. Dancing and singing to those hits have always been the joyous moments ever. Listening to them always brings back the nostalgia feel. (PS: Nothing ever stops me from cranking up these old tunes a notch and dancing and singing to them makes me a free bird!! Whipppeeee!!!)

 

 

 

  • Next comes Malayalam songs, gosh They always give me the damn feels every time, I am telling you, in order to bring out the true inner me/malu, just talk to me in Malayalam or play a bunch of malu songs, because that will never fail to unleash the BEASTTTTT!!!! And besides Malayalam songs help me to cope up with my homesickness and just brings me closer to home. They have a magic and spark in them which I can’t find in any other genre.

 

 

 

 

  • Hindi songs also have their moments for me, Gosh. They are the best ones to groove to. Like I said, it’s all about hitting the feels with some songs. It’s also what keeps me through the movies at times, the songs. ( PS: TRUST ME, I WANTED TO UPLOAD MORE GIFS, CAUSE THIS AINT ENOUGH TO REPRESENT BOLLYWOOD, BUT I WAS GOING INTO A CRAZY SPIRAL AFTER SEEING ARJUN RAMPAL AKA THE HOT MAN IN THE GLASSES, SO I HAD TO STOP BEFORE I WENT CO-CO CRAZY!!)

 

 

 

  • AND THENNNNNNN PA TA PA TA PAAAAAAAAAA, THEME/INSTRUMENTAL songs of tv shows and movies, god damnnnnnn!!!! THEY REMIND ME OF THE CRAZY FUN TIMES I USED TO WATCH AND GET SUCKED INTO FANDOMS, THEY ARE LIKE MY INDEPENDENCE SONGS, THE SONGS THAT GIVE YOU THE PROUD FEELING.

 

 

 

 

(CAN’T YOU HEAR THE SONG JUST BLASTING THROUGH THESE GIFS?!)

  • Music helps to connect with new people and also friends and family. Talking to my mom and dad on the music they listened to just makes me feel special. And when I am in those days where I miss them too much, I just listen to those songs and a few Malayalam songs because that’s home for me. Also, with new people and friends, its one of the best things to bond over. Those late night talks played along with some music. Damnnn… Bonding brooooo ( Kenny Sebastian Style)

 

 

 

  • It’s one of the best forms of self-expression and art. Through music, many issues can be raised and we get to know more about feelings and people. Each artist has their way of painting the picture with their music and lyrics.
  • I feel that music is poetry come to life. The lyrics are the captivating words and the beats and the creation is the life that the artist puts into it, to make it come alive.

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  • EDM tho!! That is my favorite. It’s just the beats. I can’t help but be moved every time. Some of my favorites are Night trouble, You and Sunset lover by Peti Biscuit. Those tracks get to me every single damn time. I don’t know why it just gets to me. Some form of magic does exist in that song. I know it and it undeniably can’t be resisted.
  • Discovering new music has a thrill and adventure in itself. You have no clue on what type of obsession and addiction you will get into next.
  • You can hide in these songs. They sort of protect you and know at what limits to stay. It’s a strange thing to say but I think you know what I mean.
  • One can know a lot about the person just by the music they listen to. It’s one of the secrets that hold the key to the mystery of unlocking that person.

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All of these and more are undoubtedly one of the best feelings in the world.

Below I will be attaching the two playlists which hold a part of me. I am hesitant to share it but I want you all to know me well.

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( PS: I change my mind… Ain’t uploading the playlists. I will share only 12 songs out of it. Not all, because who wouldn’t like to maintain that mystery/secrecy about them?!

And besides, I am playing it all risky putting 12 songs because you get to know a tad bit more and also I don’t want to conform to the rule of only 10. MEH, going all rogue.

Soooooooooo, okay here’s the deal, I just really liked these 2 songs and had to put it and I kind of like even numbers and putting everything on an even number. So that’s also there.

There you go, A Fun fact you have learned about me.

 

 

 

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So,Β after a long tedious journey, I reveal the songs to you

Ava by Famy

Cool kids by Echosmith

Consequence by Notwist

Reykjavik by Brolin

Are you with me by Lost Frequencies

Lost it to trying by Son Lux

Speeding cars by Walking on cars

Talking body by Tove Lo

Blow your mind by Dua Lipa

Smoke and fire by Sabrina Carpenter

Given the chance by The Kite String Triangle

Stockholm syndrome by One Direction

Eventually I might share more but for now, that’s it.

Each of the song above tells a part of me or gives me the vibe that I need, want and require or each song gives me a memory of various emotions. The surface level is just a mirage to hide that complexion.

” There is too much beneath this complexity. Complexity is a beauty and art in itself. Not that simple is also less, simpleΒ isn’t boring. It’s just what I am not looking for.”

(PS: My first draft got deleted, now It’s my second time doing this, GAH and It also took me a lot of willpower to end this blog.)

So, PAPOYE people of the earth!!! ( PS: I know papoyeΒ means toy in minion language, but I don’t care and don’t you think it’s appropriate for bye bye or is it just me?! but that doesn’t mean I am gonna change it. So for me, it remains bye bye!!)