End of an year and the DECADE

I feel nervous.

I am terrified of going into a new year but what terrifies me more is that I have lived through a decade.

I have learnt a lot of lessons for me to just list it all down but here are some of the lessons that would always stick with me.

L: Learn what your heart and mind seeks!

I: I love myself and those who love me. I can do it!

V/F: Venture into the unknown! / Fuck it!

E: Enjoy your life and eat!

I have a lot of stories in my life, some may not be interesting, some may shed a tear in my eyes and some make me happy. I have felt a lot through the stories of my life and I am glad to have. These stories taught me so much.

I won’t deny saying that I am scared. I am scared because it means I only have a few more years left and I am scared if I will ever set out to complete the rest of my adventures.

Some people say, “make life count”, “do it when you feel like it”, “there is only one life” but what if I don’t have the resources. What then? I guess I will have to let those adventures go. Not be a “negative nancy” sometimes life really be like that. Sometimes it’s all about that compromise.

To go on a more positive note, I can’t wait for the adventures I will be embarking upon.

A lot has happened and when looking back at those 10 years, I wonder if I have made it all count. As each year presented itself, did I set out to complete the wishes I wished?

I guess I have.

How long?

I go to sleep with tears rolling down my face making its way to seep into the pillows

I have drenched myself into a beautiful melancholy of sad music. As each tone begins to play, I start to associate different moments of sadness to it.

I want to go back home  A home filled with memories and moments I lived happily in  I want to run through fields of time and spend each moment getting lost in those fields. 

My heart throbs and pounds  It races and runs out of breath  My mind races to help but it too gets stuck in its own quick sands I do not struggle with getting out, so I just accept my choice to sink. 

The thing with getting out using force is that you never free of yourself from what you feel You are abrupt with the escape  You are not closured You leave it and move on…

When it comes back later, it comes with a powerful wave and knocks you down again but  this time, it promises to be stay there for longer and will make you feel everything you once forgot to allow yourself to feel.

I am so confused  I want to cry endlessly  Every moment that once scared me is coming back to haunt me Every moment where I spent nights crying inside my mind is coming back to suck the tears out of me.

The grudges that I carry inside me, I do not anymore I am not proud of those grudges  I want to feel liberated but how can I when people think so wrong of me? I want you to be happy, person. When I speak of you, visible moments of hate present themselves but my grudge does not continue to lament.

All I know is that I have a feeling growing inside me, a feeling to be loved I want to engage in acts of love without having to think about next day’s and regrets I want someone to be beside and hug me, placing sweet and sensual kisses on the side of my neck while telling me everything is okay.  I want to drift into the unknown with him.  Why would anyone ever love me and for what? For just one long second, I want to act without having to think about consequences.

I want to cry  I want to cry and pour my heart out I am doing everything I can to make this happen but nothing seems to work. Instead, I have this anxiousness building up and I have no cracks for my tears to come through 

How long will I have to cover up the deep gnashes cutting me so that others won’t judge us all?  Why hide the truth when everyone knows it but it can’t be brought to light because the world would look down on us?  How longer would I have to care? Why care about the world at all when it is our lives being lived? Give me an answer and I will remain silent  I do not want to be a pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good.

It is not easy growing up because more feelings come into play and sometimes there is no way to comfort them  My imagination cannot always fix it for me  That very imagination wrecks my soul.

Feelings create poetry  Sadness creates beauty 

How long can I convince myself to deny the  thing that fixes a part of my life because of the consequences that come with it?  I seem to be loosing at everything I care about. 

As I get ready to sleep onto my pillow The stars in my sky fall down leaving a canvas of black  My sadness says goodbye letting me rest for tonight promising to invite itself back again for an other time

Until then.