Do you really want to do it?

Have you ever come across those tasks or jobs where at first when applying and getting into it, you were excited and so worked about it. All that energy and planning to give it your best shot, counting up to those days where you can finally start doing that task or job but then as soon as that day arrives, you find yourself backing out of it. You start to have second guesses, you begin to doubt yourself and feel worthless in yourself. You blame yourself for not being up to it and what not.

Why does that feeling emerge?

Our university is planning to do podcasts and they have topics that I am really interested and keen to do, I sogned up for it and everything and now there is a meeting to attend as to see how it all goes and now I am nervous and I wish to back out of it.

I have been having that feeling with some of the tasks that I have been recently doing and been wanting to do. With my internship, I just feel it’s endless. At the start, I was so hyped, excited and happy and now it just feels exhausting and I can’t wait for the day it gets over. It feels rewarding to help the students but somewhere I know this is not what I find myself doing in the future, helping students yes, but not in the traditional way these schools teach, in my own way. Through this, I learn more and more, so in a way, I am happy but then exhausted and nervous when the day arrives when I have to go to school and teach.

I remember when I applied, passed the interview and got into it, I was so sure and happy but now I question myself; “Is it too late to back out”, ” Do you really want to do this?” With all these overwhelming doubts and insecurities about myself and me thinking of being a quitter, this is the time where pep talk comes into play.

The only way I can keep going and not quit because of the nerves that I feel overtake me is by saying these thing over and over again, ” You are not a quitter, don’t quit, you are not that person, you can do it, it’s just a few more days, don’t make the world think you are a quitter, this is for the future, this is worth it.”

That pep talk then pushes me to do it, it helps a lot; but why do those feelings emerge in the first place forcing me to give the pep talk?

Is it because I do not want to work? Is it because this is not what my heart desires? Is it because of the thought of facing other people make me anxious and nervous? Is it because I am not happy? Maybe all of them are right.

So what to do in situations like these?

It differs from different people, each of their mind sets and aspirations are different. Here is what I do.

  1. I start by calming myself down and also make myself get excited and hyped for the opportunity i have been presented with. I make a list of pros as to how this would benefit me and with each opportunity, I am broadening my future and myself.
  2. Depending on the type of thing I am doing, a few weeks in, I get tired, irritaed and I wish for it to be over as soon as possible. I wouldn’t lie when I say, so many thoughts have crossed my mind of quitting the job I am doing right now, but I push myself not to give up and keep going on. I do not want to be a quitter. I do not want to quit because I am lazy and on the insane amount of hardwork I put into it. I want to push myself to do more because this is what life is. I want to have that sense of accomplishment and that feeling of pride when I complete it.
  3. I push myself more by saying it’s just a matter of few weeks and I can do it. I think about myself, my parent’s happiness and how proud they are of me which keeps me going.
  4. Just a few more to go… It’s all going to be worth it, if not; be glad you did it and you learnt something from it.

But if this isn’t making you happy or you don’t feel yourself comfortable doing it, do not be afraid to quit. At the end of the day, it’s you and your happiness that is at stake, not anyone else’s. You will find what makes you happy and what inspires you, just be patient for that journey and work hard.

So go with your gut instinct, think about it and choose what’s best for you!!

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

The continuation of a new chapter

30th September 2018

The feelings of a teenage adult kid who began her year 2 at uni…

Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning to the continuation in my journey. A journey that began long ago but is going by in a flash. A journey that I thought would go slow but took upon the pace and moved so fast that I forgot how I lived through that one year.

It felt like a long time ago.

Tomorrow starts a brand new year, my second year towards my degree. The year where ” my marks” begin to count. The one good final year before the next year.

Forget about the new year, new me, new resolutions. This is the time to start acting upon it. Why wait for a few months, for that new year. Just start doing it. That’s what I am doing because life doesn’t wait that long for you to act upon it. So we better start owning up as soon as we can because it’s for the better and in the long run, it’s worth it.

I don’t know what to feel for this new year, I am overwhelmed, anxious and excited. I am starting to focus on doing more things for myself and also for the future because sometimes it’s too late to realise that all the time you could have done doing something, you did nothing and sometimes well it’s never too late to start something new.

I am somewhere in between that state of mind, though I am trying as hard as I can to lean towards the first situation, doing things at the right time and not wasting as much time I did before.

Things are starting to get real. I always knew that, but in the first year, it was a trial and error year for me. I tried, I learnt, and well that was it. Now things are getting very real and a bit serious. Not a bit, very serious. I need to start giving that extra dose of reality to myself.

I have always admired and always liked to inhabit some characteristics of Riley. She was happy, positive and thought of the world as a good place and also the people in it.  She refused to see the bad, I believe. She didn’t exactly ignore it, but well she was different in the way she thought, and I found that to be a bit not me and realistic. She also had her upsetting and dark moments, don’t we all?

I wanted to be like that but then what good would do that to me? Why build that shield that would let you refuse the bad in the world? What good would it really do? We need to know and learn that bad exists in this world. How else would we prepare for that? How else can we survive in this world? Why hide that part of reality and life? We need to understand and learn that there are bad and good people. We can’t expect the people to play the role and character that we envisioned in our mind for them.

I believe in horoscopes and astrology a lot. At the time of my birth, an astrologer had written some predictions, visions based on my stars and time I was born. So far everything had come true in that. Good and bad. It says that in my future, I would be successful in my field of profession and passion, and I do hope that comes true. But I know it won’t happen in a stroke of luck, it takes time and hard work to make that happen.

We can’t expect the world to hand us what we want. We need to work hard for it. There are chances and possibilites out there for us to grab and hold on to, we need to sure we make use of it and not let it float by like an aimless balloon in the deep blue wide sky. There is no easy way out. I have a goal and a vision in my mind, and I want to see it happen. My fate may be destined, but how would it work without me taking any action?

That’s what I am doing now in my year 2. Doing as much as possible for my vision and goal.

I have seen my past, and it’s struggles. It taught me a lot, and I learned. I am not saying that my future won’t have its struggles. It will, but I won’t make the same mistake as what the people in my past did.

I won’t stress myself too much over it. I have the right amount of stress to help me because stress always helps me do better and to work hard. I have my own equation to doing life, and I am not a fan of anyone messing it up. When change is necessary and essential to that equation, I will do it. I wouldn’t want to force things to happen, but sometimes I do, and that’s when I learn more on life and discover what I like and don’t like.

Many things are changing. In a matter of time, I will be done with university, and it won’t be long before I am an adult with my own life and responsibilities.

I want to thank you life and everyone in it, I have learnt a lot, especially from that of mistakes of myself, family and friends. I am learning how to do with it all.

tumblr_nb9p28BotQ1s1vrduo1_400

The past, present and the ability to create the future are all in us. In ourselves contain the ability to change, crave and make that path. 

So that’s what I am doing now. Reading, Studying, Learning, Changing and Trying.