2018, what a year!

A lot has changed over the last year, and I am going to take you guys and myself through the year’s journey. I decided to do this for myself because I wanted to know, discover and be greatful for what has happened and also learn.

So here we go!!

 

What has happened over the last year? 

1 year of completion towards my degree done. 2 years left. Year 2 going on. Wow, time moves fast.

2018 is the year where I am going to be a teenager for the last time before I hit the big 20. My teenage years come to an end and I have to welcome the 20’s and adulthood offically…

Got my first tattoo done on my wrist on March 14!! That was exciting and I can’t believe it’s been that short. I thought I got it done last year but apparently not. More tattoos to come.

 

I have got a placement as an achievement coach in one of the schools that starts next year, 2019.  Bonus: I am also getting paid. It’s a start people and I am excited for what’s more to come.

Did an internship for Young Times, a children’s magazine owned by one of the leading newspapers, Khaleej Times in Dubai. I was a writer for the magazine and damn it felt proud to see my name under the pieces that went in the magazine.

MET DULQUER SALMAAN!!!!!! MY BIGGEST FAVOURITE MOST ADMIRABLE ACTOR/HERO OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!! THIS WAS THE BIGGEST HIGHLIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!! IT WAS MY LIFE LONG DREAM AND IT HAPPENED. 29th July, you will always carry a special place in my heart!! Thank you to my best friend Raveena for being there with me throughout. Waited there with me for 8 hours and the wait was worth it because I got to meet and also side hug him!! Whenever I go back to that day, I am always in disbelief, shock and the happiest!! It was the best!!

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Gave a surprise to my best friend Raveena when I went to Dubai unexpectedly. Her reaction was to die for and it was my first time giving and planning a surprise for my best friend.   It was legend……. wait for it DARY!!!!

Met my best friends after a long time and we had the most amazing fun!! Gosh, what I would give to go back to those days!! But I am living life and moving with the flow of making new memories and more.

Started my blog and I am very happy with where it’s going and what I am doing. I love the pieces that I have put and I am glad people like it!! I thank all the 77 people that follow me and I soon hope to hit a 100 by the end of the year, but if not, that’s alright because I am happy that I have made it this far!!

Part of the Impact magazine of the university!! So I do write for them online. That included covering an event which was very exciting. I took over their Instagram, it was pretty cool and dope.

My mom and dad came to the UK, it’s a big thing because it’s our first time as a family that we all went abroad in the 19 years of my life. It wasn’t particularly a holiday, they came here to help me move into my flat but it was pretty dope, memorable and the best!! My mom was so happy and joyous and it was so good seeing her that happy!! It was her dream to come here and I was so happy that it came true!!

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Tried new things, enjoyed some and also not.

Watched loads of movies over the last few months and I am so proud of myself because I love watching and discovering new movies!! It’s very interesting to see stories, concepts come alive and some of the movies that I have watched have jumped into my all-time favorite movies list. Also watched some new shows.

Listened and discovered different songs and artists. Made my playlist that I dearly love and enjoy!! It’s such a huge moment and an accomplishment. I feel proud and on top of the world.

Listening to podcasts and reading the news a bit more because I want to be aware of what happens around the world and want to gain a bit more knowledge.

I have learned more about what to do, improving my self and how I work.

Met new people, made some good friends with them. Enjoying it all.

Being a bit more social but also having the alone time that I need.

Been productive most of the time and I am happy about it.

I have learned how to cope up more with my emotions and still learning.

Experimented with my hair by dip dyeing it and I loved every breathing living minute of it!! Then finally switched to highlighting my hair with dark brown. I am glad and happy to say, I have found my colour and this colour is it!!

 

 

Had quite some lows with friends, but with time going by, I became better and now we are all good. Better friendships and connections have been made with people I never expected I would be that good friend with. It’s all in the process.

Haven’t read many books yet apart from the books I was supposed to read for my course. But I have done alright. Tried, but will do better in the next year.

LOST MY PHONE, which was one of the biggest low of my 2018. I learnt my lesson the hard way, sometimes these things are meant to happen, but I still will never understand why.

Went for a Beyonce and Jay-Z concert! It was lit AF and it kind of got me into rap but I am not a huge fan of Rap. So, that’s a start to something new.

Went to the Harry Potter Studios in London and it was a dream come true!! I bought myself Hermonie’s wand, Gryffindor’s shirt, robe, flag and pins!! It was quite the fortune but totally worth it because I had my costume ready for this Haloween!! A Wizard!!

Went for Winter Wonderland with my best friend, I am scared about roller coasters and rides and I did it. It felt liberating and frightening. One step closer or many steps away from not letting them win me over. Thank you Urjiva for being there and for always trying to kill me by making me do these things. And Bahaha I look cute in this pic and so do you!!

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The Goose Fair of Nottingham, 2018!! It was the best and with the best people, it was one of the most amazing experinces I had. These are the memories and days I live for.

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Celebrated Diwali 2018 in Lesicter with my friends!! It was fucking lit!! The fire works, burtsing crackers, the rain, the streets, the gaintwheel. It feels good.

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Had the best sleepover with my best friend Raveena and it was her first sleepover with me!! So it feels really special!!

And also met my best friend Dale after so long and caught up with her!! It feels the best to catch up with your best friends after so long!!

Cooking, learning how to cook better. Still doing the adult life, feeling the independence, the rush, learning the struggles and still doing it.

So many good movies came out and I got to watch them!! I am so grateful for it!! AND ALSO DRUMMMROLLLLLLL,    Many new trailers came out for the movies I have been waiting and dying for and they are so worth it!!! FOR EXAMPLE AVENGERS ENDGAME!!!!  Gosh, it was emotionally so worked up!! I loved every bit of it and this was just a teaser trailer!! Imagine what the trailer would be like!!

So that is my 2018 wrapped. 

How was yours? I would love to know what you guys were upto, do share down below in the comments 

 

 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Signing off and I will see on 2019 right over here and I won’t be leaving any time soon. 

 

 

Obsessions, Crushes and Love

Lately I have been obsessed with Panic! At The Disco, more sepcific Brendon Urie… What a god, so divine!!  I have always enjoyed and loved him and his music but lately I have started to take a bit more delight and turned up my obsession streak a bit top notch when I bought tickets to go for his concert in March.

That’s when it all began plumetting down. My obsession and fascination with Brendon Urie increased and now I am in love too deep.

This is the downfall of guys like Brendon Urie, why do they exisit if I can’t be with them?

JUST LOOK AT HIM, YOU CAN SEE HOW ONE FALLS IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN, it’s not only the looks but his personality and his god damn voice!! He is so real and so raw and true. That’s what makes him even more hot, atrractive and so lovable!! I am so happy for his marriage and him and Sarah are just so blessed to have each other!! He is such a wild spirit and you never know what he is up to!!

The amount of times I have died and lost my breath and mind looking at these GIF’s!!!! Also I just love him in glasses, cause MAHN HE IS SMOKIN!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Guys like these create unrealistic expectaions of all the guys out there and I am out looking for the one who fits into all my categories. Why can’t I have you????? The world is unfair

It’s really hard and God do I envy the women/men that are with these men? How god damn lucky are they?! I mean I am glad they found thier one but one can’t help but be terribly infuriated and jealous and upset. I am sorry, that’s just how I work… ( inserts I don’t give a damn face)

I find it really hard to like a guy because I cant’ find people who fit the description. There are very few, maybe five in thousands, but well it’s also a matter of them liking me. So it’s a complete loss-loss situation.I am the girl who watches movies and shows, read books, listens to music and then develop some serious crusheson the guys who are in all of the above which turns into love which then destorys me because I know I can never have them

These OTP’s, fanfictions they make my heart melt but also they are the worst because I expect love to be like that or to find love like that but in reality, we know that ain’t gonna happen. Somewhere in my mind, deep deep very deep inside, I would like to believe it’s gonna happen. All one can do is hope.

And also, this is where the mind does brilliance, I create stories in my beautiful worlds where I can be with them!! It’s just perfect in my head and how I wish I could live in that world of mine.

 

So, in this blog, I am going to mention the 7 people who I have always loved and will always love.

I obsesses and fantaszie more than these 7 people. I do have momentary crushes on celebs that last for months and will always be in the crush list, but these 7 people in this list will always remain in my heart forever and I will forever keep obsessing and fantasizing over them even after I get married, have kids, till the day I die and even in the after life. I am not going to rank them in any order because they all are at the special place in different ways. I already mentioned Brendon in the beginning and now here comes the rest!!

( Gosh you have no idea how excited I am!!)

Chris Evans

So humble, funny and the most down to earth guy out there!! The moment he steps on to any room, he lights it up with his vibrant self and that god damn smile. His sense of humor is the fucking best!! He is so open with everyone and he is such a kind and generous soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zayn Malik

I have always loved Zayn since the beginning of One Direction!! It took him real guts to leave One Direction and I do admire him for that, but I still can’t help but feel a bit sad. For me, he will always be a part of 1D, but apart from that, now he is doing so great with his music and he is so happy that he gets to express himself and I couldn’t be more excited with his music and himself. He is so free now and it really gives me joy!! I am loving him as an Artist and he is one of my top favourite artisit that I always listen to and his music is splendid on so many different levels. Wattpad fanfictions are also a result of me loving him more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dulquer Salmaan

Dulquer Salmaan, DS. He is such a great actor oh my dear lord!! He cares for his fans so much, I love his adventure and his enthusiams as an actor. He is so bold and always takes risks with his movies that I admire. He is such a versatile and such a good method actor.. I love all his movies and seeing him so free spiritied is such a vibe in itself espcially in the movie Charlie that is my all time favourite movie of his!! ALSO I GOT TO MEET HIM IN PERSON WHICH WOULD ALWAYS REMIAN ONE OF THE BEST MEMORIES OF ALL TIME

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Barnes

I mainly love him for how gorgeous and hot he is!! Especially in Westworld and Punisher and I also love his voice in the movie Jackie and Ryan especially in the song Southbound

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tom Felton

Seeing him as Draco Malfoy, a misunderstood chracater was the start to it all. His British accent tho!! It is so charming to hear and then seeing him in The Flash and his new series. I just love his personlaity, so humorus and jokey in a fun way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tyler Hoechiln but more so in the role of Derek Hale from Teen Wolf

He is a badass and well a warewolf, what more can I say?! He has a bomb personlity that I find hot and sexy as hell. What can I say?!, I have a thing for supernatural creatures like him NOT GHOSTS, can include demons if they are hot like Brendon from Emperor’s new clothes.

 

So, to sum it all up, that’s it!!

I would love to know who you guys crush on, cause I would also like to expand and explore my option!!

Capturing it, Breathing it, Living it…

Everyone has those ways to keep hold of something that is close to their heart, a way to remember those moments, a way to go through it all over again. I love how it works. It’s unique to everyone.

Remembering every aspect and detail of those time, memory and moment evoke a different sense of emotion and remembrance.

I have my own ways of playing it back over and over. Sometimes, the details can get a bit hazy, but the memory, time, people, the emotions and the moment always remains the same.

I do it through writing, taking pictures and videos, music, movies and mostly by remembering it all and being in the moment.

 

– Sometimes, there won’t be times where one can quickly whip out a phone and capture the entire moment because sometimes it ruins it. Then also capturing it also helps with making it a memory for eternity.

 

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You don’t get to be in the moment and enjoy it wholly.  All you can do is pay attention to your phone, see it through that and well that frankly upsets me. I like seeing it alive and also record some bits of it. I get the best of both worlds. I want to cherish this moment forever but also see it forever.

Even if I don’t capture it, I will always remember it. But I would be guilty to admit that I wish I had some physical source of watching it again but I would not regret it.

Sometimes, taking videos and pictures is also one of the best ways. Being in the moment, capturing it, reliving it while playing it in the times ahead. Seeing how joyful it was back then.

There are pictures that I take by my friends because I want to remember it or just because I dress up once a rare while, the background looks good. So why not?

There are some moments meant to be captured, some to be enjoyed, some to be meant for both.

 

– Music and movies

 

 

Certain music reminds me of home, my friends, my family, the streets that I have walked through, the memories I have shared with that person who I listened to this music with, or danced to in parties.  The vibes and feelings I wish to have again and live through. It has no bounds.

The playlists I have curated from each memory and story are the ones that I absolutely live for. It’s something of my own, so personal, where each song tells the memories and the emotions. It absolutely is of utter sheer magic because it feels so warm and good to have something of your own in which you can record your moments of life.

Movies, I still remember how different movies I have watched with different people evoke various stories and emotions. Each story had a good memory of its own. The laughter, the tears, the discussions, the fangirling. It was a memory to die for.

In a way through that music and movies, they helped me capture some of the best memories to ever exist.

They make you feel so much more. It’s one of the most intense after effects you experience after reliving it. It all comes down at once and drowning in it is the best. 

Watching the movies and listening to the songs are another experience of its own, combined with it, the memories and the moments you have lived through them. It’s altogether a new found discovery and bliss. 

 

– Writing

 

 

The process that I always find myself falling in love with the most. It helps capture and recapture the feelings in your heart, body, and mind with words. I always find myself good with words. When I can’t get my thoughts straight, I write because it helps me sort out, think and ponder.

It gives me a new found courage and bravery to confront with myself, thoughts and address it. These words help hide my fear but also show it to me.

So when it comes to capturing and reliving it, writing down how I felt, the moment, the people and the world. I learn and understand how I felt through these stories. Writing helps me capture the feelings I experience whilst being in the story. Remembering them from my memories and writing it adds a different feel to it. When I compare what I wrote back then and now, I discover and learn how much has changed. I learn a lot about myself.

When I look back and read through it, the words help me get a deeper aspect.

 

I love to revisit some of the memories and stories I have lived through. They make me calm and happy. I do wish many times that I could go back to them but then I look forward to more good memories and have fun reliving and remembering the stories I had.

There are those nights where my mind keeps me awake and many of the times, it always goes through the routine of remembering many of the things that have played out in my life. 

Sometimes, I also revisit some of the bad moments gone through life to remind myself that bad times eventually do fade away, but they leave a mark. They either charge you for the good or for the bad.

Sometimes, I also remember the embarrassing ones, I do not know why I do, I just simply do.

So that’s it, folks

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

Doing it on your own

 

I like doing many of the things all by myself. It’s the time out of the day where I get to be away from the crowd and just be there on my own.

This past week, I had to get quite a lot done, so doing it on my own gave me a sense of independence and confidence that I am alright on my own and I can do it.

I feel that sometimes we need to do some things alone, or try to do them alone. It makes us realize that we can make it on our own.

Sometimes, after an eventful day, I go to this small restaurant that my dad and I went to, sit on the regular booth and have a meal all by myself. It makes me feel happy and at peace. It’s just me. I am okay with eating by myself at a restaurant, that doesn’t mean I don’t have friends or am lonely. Sometimes it’s just what I need.

I like to go to the movies alone at times as well, I used to do that at home. It’s not because none of my friends were there to go to for the movies. Like I said before, having alone time is sometimes what I need the most. I get to enjoy my thoughts and my presence. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy it always. I do it when I feel like I need a break.

I like to take the bus, sit and just take a few rounds. Go to the city and explore and walk around aimlessly not worrying about anyone but me. It feels good to sometimes let go and just focus on yourself at that moment. No one but just you.

Going for walks has also become my favorite way to spend some time alone. It feels nice to walk around with your headphones cranking up to those songs and walking. It truly feels blissful.

 

I feel happy”

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One of my main wishes is to Travel Solo. I want to know how it feels to explore an other country, it’s places and culture on your own. Just you and the whole world left to figure out. There will obviously be highs and lows, but that’s the challenge. To conquer it. I feel that you understand more and discover new aspects of yourself.

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When I feel like I am losing touch with myself or am not happy, I just take some time out, reflect and think.

Sometimes, you want to do things by yourself and not with your friends. You just want to do it by yourself. So how do you get around to doing it? Honestly, I never figured it out. So I do not do it, because doing it with my friends is another sort of experience and a special one and it means a lot to them.

But what if you had plans of the same sort with your other friends? What to do then? Do what feels right and you think is right and the best for everyone and yourself.

 

So I would like to end on a final note by saying that go out and explore the world and yourself. It’s alright if you want to do it with others or by yourself.

As long as you are in the right mindset, happy and free, then you got nothing to worry about.

Different people have their own different ways of living life, it’s good to try new things and mix it up. If you don’t like it, you now know…

You don’t have to do it again

Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

In my head

I have these pictures and depictions in my head on how different sceanrios could take place.

Some of them are confrontations.

Part 1

I am not entirely good at confrontations or voicing out something that really bothers me. For half of the time, I ignore it and for the other half of the time, I devise plans on how I could get rid of them or do a mental confronation in my mind.

Not only confrontations, but also pointing out things that people do wrong to me and to people who do it.

Mostly I have been quiet in some of the situations and in others, I do speak out what I feel and think when I feel that I cannot bear it or when I come to a breaking point, or when it affects others.

With some people, it’s not worth it and it is pointless

With some people, it’s hard

With some people, I just go with it

I tend to think about what the others would feel when I would speak out my mind against them. At times, I simply can’t muster up the courage to do so. I am scared and afraid.

So what I do instead is I imagine how it would all go down in my head. In my head, I realese the fury and the rage that I contain. I go to the extreme. That’s what happens when you keep it all in.

This thing that I am doing, I know it’s not healthy and I should speak up. But I feel that for most of the times, my argument and the situation that I am in is simply pointless and not worth a confrontation. It’s petty and silly. In no way, shape or manner, does my self get destroyed but yes, I do obsessively think about it but also I feel that it’s not worth the fight and the argument.

I really need less of that because my whole life has been filled with impending doom and sadness of the past.

But for the ones that I know and feel would take a serious toll on me, I confront it. This would cause certain friendships to break, families to fight or cause a rift. But at the end, removing the toxic effects are worth it.

I not only have confrontations with the world but also with myself. I confront every aspect, every mistake, every thought, feeling and action. I obsess too much on those thoughts at the night and it keeps me awake for a long time. So, I put myself to sleep by either loosening myself into a world of fantasy that goes on in my head or I slowly succumb to the countless damaging thoughts.

 But in my head, confrontations do have it’s appealing yet damaging aspect.

This world of mine is a beautiful treasure kept in hiding.

Enrooted in me. 

Part 2

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In my head, is a place that I can control every factor, starting with the environment, the person and how I can let it move on. That is one of the most splended and beautiful part about our minds and our imagination. We are the sole owners of something so powerful and delicate. That creative process is the most wonderful aspect and immersing into it is a whole other level of high and addiction. Inside my head is a favourite place to be.

One sets out to create a puzzle, falls deeper into the complexity and into the endless void. It really is a wonderful feeling with break taking moments.

I wish I could be trapped in that space forever. Locking myself in my own stories. Living through the creations and of my mind. Locking my memory of ever creating this world, so that I have no recollection of what’s going to happen, but my world knows. I might make choices that would alter the creation of my story, but for a fact, I know that I will enjoy it and know what to do. I want it the easy and the hard way. I want my choices to be given it to me the easy way but I also want that challenge and pain. It’s a habit that I learnt from my life here in the real world, a habit that reality taught me. I  have thought through it all, but I feel that it still lacks a flare, a flare that I can’t pin point to.

I have designed my world accordingly to every desire, dream, challenge, pain, hurdle and also some deaths balanced with the proper mixage of my dark thoughts. I have created multiple worlds, story lines, choices and characters that fit and suit my story. I can jump from one story to an other. My worlds consisit of the ones that I read in books, watch everywhere, listen to and want to experience.

My hidden desires and wishes have always been in me and I have always had the chance to go and do something about it in my world.

It is a world that is so beautiful and extraordinary. A world where all dreams come true. A world to escape into. A world that will always be in the works of making and accomdoating to myself and the changes. A world that would forever change the way on how one lives their life.

 

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It’s a hopeful world, too beautiful and perfect to ever become a reality.

“It would forever become a world that will only cease to exisit in my mind.”

 

 

It was probably meant to be that way since the beginning.

If not, this world would not have existed and I wouldn’t have had the chance to enjoy every minute of my creation.

 

 

 

I think and feel way too much. (Part 2)

This is a sequel to the first installation of the series.

Why you may all wonder ( or if you don’t wonder, it completely fine as well ) These kinds of emotions are life long and it can’t be only contained in one post. So this is gonna be a small series.

How I came to be like this?

This overly humane emotional side of me came after the start of my uni journey. I am telling you, this journey of mine in uni has taught me a lot about people, life and myself. It’s a total game changer. (That story is for another time.)

As I was saying, I was always emotional and cried to movies especially too Disney where the movies were about animals. Like The Fox and the Hound, Dumbo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Lilo and Stitch, Coco, Up, Wall-E, Lion King, Wreck it Ralph, Inside Out, Two Brothers and so much more

( OH GOD, even writing about this makes me cry and so upset)

Some of the movies do have their happy endings but you know there are those moments that you cant contain yourself and you need to spill out the waterworks despite all the people there with you and I have never been afraid to cry out loud in theatres. I am always the sobbing mess. Gosh, for avengers infinity war part 1, the ending. When I watched it, I was basically dead in the mind and no words were able to be formed. My mind was destroyed and blank because of the terror I had gone through.

English movies have a separate form of a genre in me, just for crying. Now comes Malayalam movies, the worst tool of all to make me cry just in a matter of seconds. This recently made its entry into the genre list. The reason why Uni again.

So after uni began and well me being apart from my family, oceans and seas away, it really got to me. So Malayalam songs and movies were the antidote to help me cope up with the fact that I was away from home and also brought me closer to home because many of these songs, my mom had sung to me when I was a child and the movies were the bonding moments for me and my family.

Old malu movies, songs and one song from the movie and the movie itself ” How old are you” were the ones that got to me the most because they reminded me so much of my mom and the fact that she wasn’t beside me just got to me. The plot of that movie and the actress reminds me so much of my mother, that I break. I cry and cry and then I call my mom and she calms me down. Then I feel better.

Usually, this process takes place in midnight when I cant go to sleep or when I miss my mom too much, or simply, I decide to torture myself by doing this process and I know it’s going to make me upset but I still go for it.

Sometimes I just set the trap for myself and I know how deep I am going to get in, but that doesn’t stop me from doing so.

Maybe you need it sometimes in your life.

( PS: As you can see, I am really attached to my mom, it’s because we have gone through a lot and she has done so much for me, I just can’t imagine a life without her in it. She has sacrificed a lot for me and sometimes, I wonder why so and what I have done to deserve it.

People often make fun of the amount of “maluness” I have but I am so proud of it and I would never change it.

Life and it’s troubles just stick with you, promises to leave but does take a lot of time to act upon it. That could also be a reason as to why I think and feel too much. Then watching the news and troubles of the world also makes me upset, and then of my friends and family. Overall it’s tedious process but somewhere deep in my heart, I think everything happens for a reason, but why does bad things have to happen to good people. For what reason is that?

People change, the world changes. I think why, there have been people I know for so long and been so close with, when they change, I wonder why.

We grew far apart, I have tried my best, what could I do more? These kind of things make me upset and think too much. What more could I have done? Well faults could have been made by me, but I am ready to fix it.

But then I think if they aren’t willing to fix it or bring it back to normal, then they aren’t interested. Probably I should stop trying to fix things that were broken or meant to be. It’s how the world works. It takes both the parties to make it work, Can’t do all the job by myself. Probably for the best. I console myself by telling this and I try to accept it. Someday I might, but I am doing a better job of it tho.

Sometimes, tho I think it’s for the good, just searching for the reasons how and why.

So goodbye for now. This is never the end.