Dancing At Two Am

As I was preparing to go to sleep, I decided to suddenly play some Hindi songs and let us say, I did not sleep for a very long time

I danced, pranced around my room imagining scenarios where I would get to perform these songs, weddings, parties and what not!

It was an amazing dance party! A party where my truest colours were lit around the entire room! I decided to let my best friend in on the secret and I sent her two videos of me just dancing and being my best!

After dancing to the fun songs, the romantic in me took over. Hindi romantic/sad songs for some reason have a strong grasp over my heart, the words, the rhtyhm, it makes sense. It makes you want to be in love and be in mutiple heart breaks just so you can imagine what it is like to go through those feelings in the song.

When I was a child, I asked my mom what these songs meant and she said they didn’t mean anything. They were just a bunch of words put randomly to create something for us to sing along. I trusted her blindly without question.

As I started to grow, I started to search for the answers to the questions myself. As I started to grow up, develop feelings and also understand the language more; I started to finally understand what everything meant.

What each moment of the song was trying to say and how I can possibly relate to it now or sometime in the future.

As I go back to listen to these songs, new feelings that were once not there are present as I listen to these old songs I once loved.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love and I beg to relate to it truly for at least once. With these songs, I am starting to understand and my heart wants more. The pain hits harder than ever before.

I guess that is what happens when you start to grow up and understand. You understand how complex and deep everything is rooted and once the wave hits, you sink in deeper.

The songs and movies that didn’t make sense suddenly make a whole lot of sense. Things I didn’t find once touching or meaningless now mean the whole world to me and are the most beautiful.

Why does everything mean different when you grow up and listen to it again? The meaning you thought back then was not what you think now.

When you close your eyes, concentre on nothing else but just the words and rhythm, you can slowly start to feel your heart clench, in pain or joy. I don’t know but what I feel now is pure truth and pain.

When my mother said that statement to me, did she really believe it and if she did, how did she even like the songs she liked back then if she believed they had no meaning. I bet she doesn’t remember that she told me this, but I remember every syllable as clear as day.

When those songs she liked played, why did she react if she believed they had no meaning? I guess she said that to stop the curious and annoying questions that I would ask her further.

Why am I doing this right now?

When small, many things don’t make sense and some do

When you start growing up, many things start to make sense and some still don’t do.

If any of you are interested, I will link down the songs I love to listen to that make me feel the most



Unfinished Beauty

You know what people don’t talk enough about. Unfinished beauty. There is a beauty when certain works are unfinished. You can’t help but wonder how would you finish the rest?

You are left with the power to create the end. It is your mind that has the power to complete the rest. You are allowed to perceive what you want. You create what ever you desire. The power to complete one’s work lies in your hands now. If you do not desire to see it finished, you can also let it be. That is the beauty. It carries infinite possibilites.

However it also leaves you in questions. How would the creator himself complete it? Is there something missing? What if I had finished watching this whole beauty rather than leaving it incomplete? How would the others make of it? What if?

Having questions in one’s mind is good because it makes you want to search for the answers to them but when you don’t find what you seek, it drives you mad.

The thing with unfinished beauty is that it differs in perspective from one to an other. What may seem like unfinished beauty to you may not be for an other. Another thing with unfinished beauty is that very few things carry the grace to make it an unfinished beauty. You can’t force things to be that way. It is in the feeling, the work and the thought proccess.

I find unfinished beauty in certain movies, art, places and photographs. I do not find them in music because in music, I love to hear it complete. Music is one thing in my life I know that will always be complete and would not leave me hanging.

I had a chance to witness a finished beauty become unfinished. It was on the May 23rd, few minutes before hitting the stroke of the 24th midnight, my birthday. It was between those moments, between the past and of the future that was about to hit me when I became an audience to a finished work becoming unfinished.

I was watching the movie Speechless, a 1994 romantic comedy. Watching that movie was like watching every dream that I ever want come true. Every dream that I hope for a great romance. That movie just showed it all and I had never been more speechless by a movie. ( Pun Intended)

The movie had only started at 11 and an hour into the movie, I fell in love with it. I wanted to see how their story ended but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I had to go back to a life where I was turning 20. I had to go celebrate it with my family which I was great for but it made me miss this movie.

Some of you might say I can watch it again and find out how it becomes complete but I have scoured the whole Internet to find that movie and complete it, but sadly I could not find that movie no where. I also gave up on the search because I believe that I will find it when it wants to be found.

However I also believe that when the day comes I find someone I love, I will find that movie and watch the end with them. I guess in my own way, I have achieved a film worthy moment in my life. Completing an unfinished beauty with the man I love.

This is how I witnessed an unfinished beauty. I missed a chance to watch a love story that I dream of not have the ending. I left it incomplete. If I were to go back in time, I would sit and finish that movie but that would mean I would also miss out on the chance to not celebrate my adulthood at midnight with my family.

I guess, even if given the chance, I would probably still miss it because I don’t think I would want to miss a moment of my life to live in the fantasy of someone else other than mine.

Inspiration

So I have plunged into a creative rut recently and I am on the lookout for inspiration and ideas. I have quite a few ideas that I have and I know how I can work on it. I do have quite the thoughts that I can pour but that is not what this post is about.

This is about how I get the inspiration to write. Some times, I get inspiration from quite a lot of things that sometimes I deem not of value in my life. I get inspiration from almost everything now but I do not have the patience or the effort in me to write them down, for now.

I watched this movie “The lady in the van” and two of the lines in the movie got to me. One was a line said by the lady that he uses people to write and the second is that ” You don’t put yourself into what you write, You find yourself there.” That in many ways is true.

In the first case, I think that being in these situations out there and not being very well with confrontation, I write about it so that this becomes my peace of dealing with the situation. I find stories in every thing and being. Does this mean that I use people and situations to write what I want?

As for the second one, I do believe that I find myself in what I write. I don’t put myself in it. I happen to put a part of my soul and a truth of myself into every work I write. It just comes out naturally.

Lately I have been getting the inspiration and the passion to write from some movies that have a similar character in almost of them. I am inspired by the writers in the movies and their journey towards their creativity. I like watching it. I somehow can relate to it on a certain level.

If not the movies, I listen to some tunes that I crank up on my laptop. I listen to some indie, alternate music that keeps me going. They do have a tone that always inspires me to write. Their choice of words along with a beautiful symphony helps the mind to create some of the most inspring and artistic works.

If not music and movies, then I simply look out from the window to the world that lies before my eyes. I see everything happening in it which simply keeps me at the most somber state. It is as if I were looking at the night skies that were somber. Watching the world as it is gives me a drive to be my most artistic self. It gives me a chance to be creative and aesthetic. It makes me want to give out something beautiful to the world.

Along with all of the beauty in the world, madness bleeds behind it. To put it in better words, “Beauty behind the madness”. Thank you Abel for the words and the music!

I do not want to write a very lengthy post on where I find my inspiration from. I have written it down in the most simplest of terms that I am happy with. I do not find myself the need to go on and on about how each of these carry the power to inspire me. I believe that the mind is powerful to imagine the rest of the details.

Getting my tattoo done

I got the good kind of excitement nervous nerves now.

My mom and my family well just kept saying it was going to be painful, its not too late to back out. They just kept tensing me up but I know they care about me and they can’t stand to see me in pain, but I am doing it because I want to do this for myself.

I already had one tattoo done, this is my second one out of many more to come

I want to show a part of myself in this tattoo. I have been planning it for not a long time but still been doing the planning for some time and I have never been more sure of anything. I can’t promise you that I am not tensed. I am tensed and scared because well I am doing it on my ankle where the bones are and apparently it hurts, so it has been said by my mother.

So being myself, this time I did not succumb to the chance of googling it. I did not google whether it was going to pain or not and if it pains how much. I am proud of myself that I did not google it.

As time gets closer, I am nervous but very excited. This is something, a part of something that is going to show me, who I am. I guess it’s going to be an easy conversation starter among new folks if they notice my tattoo. They ask what it is and I tell them what it stands for.

They are going to be in for a long ride and so are you because I will be explaining it to you as well. It’s 3:34 now and my appointment is at 4:30 or 5. It might last two hours, kind of scared about that. I am afraid of well the pain a lot because that’s been imprinted on my mind but it’s going to be the good kind of pain isn’t it?

When I get back, I will be marked with another tattoo. Going unmarked, coming back home marked with meaning and passion.

So I am back from the tattoo place and while I was there, I jotted down a few thoughts and sent them to my best friend, my soulie when I was getting it done. I couldn’t be more happier of the tattoo and it means a lot to me and I will be explaining it in an other post.

So these are the thoughts that I wrote down to my friend when getting inked.

My mom had me freaked out but then I guess I was more anxious before the needling I mean I just wanted the needle to start. I was eager to know how it felt because all these thoughts and discussions about it paining so much, it just felt tiring. That panic before getting tattoed, you know like when will the needle come and all that and is it going to hurt and all that panic made me more scared and nervous but now it’s cool.
 
It does sting and burn a bit but then it goes. You know when she takes the needle for like a brief pause, and then she puts it again For some reason I find it pains I guess it’s the shock when it hits again
You know when she takes the needle for like a brief pause, and then she puts it again For some reason I find it pains I guess it’s the shock when it hits again

I am also planning to get this one more tattoo done, that’s going to take place after a long time 
I really wanted to do it after masters, but it’s quite big and like I don’t want to get really big tattoos before I get married.
So I thought I would get that tattoo after my marriage cause my parents are cool with it 

I guess you know the thing about this tattoo is that it takes so long. The wait is now part of the pain.You just want to get it done with, but you also want it to be perfect and well not wrecked cause it’s gonna be on your body forever or until the day you die. 

And also it pains but not that much. It’s like a ticklish pain It’s like intense penning. You know when you draw on your hand intensely with a pen. It’s like that but there are some places where it pains but then it goes. It doesn’t actually pain that bad. You get used to it and for a while I liked it. 

I can’t wait for you to see it

These are the maximum clarity I could get, I really wanted to upload a video but there is some issue with uploading videos. Security reasons apparently.

So this tattoo means a lot to me because each charm on this bracelet symbolizes a part of my personality and what I believe in and what I love and also who I am. 

The dots mean that there is more to come, I am going to evolve and change. That is why I did not do it as one single line around because that would mean it’s closed which is why I kept the charms on the dotted lines.

The joker stands for a fact that I love movies. Movies and shows are a huge part of who I am. The Joker also represents that there is a chaos and madness that runs in me but there is also good in me as well. I feel like many of me is an emboidement of many characters that I have watched on shows and movie. I am inspired by these characters that I watch. The reason I chose Joker to represent I love movies because he is such an iconic figure and I love him.

The book stands for my love for books, stories, writing and creativity. It is through them I decided I wanted to have a future in the literature field. 

The plane stands for my passion to travel and discover the world and always being curious of everything even if I don’t show it.

The building and the planet stands for the outside representation of me. The building stands as what people view me but the windows and the planet mean there is a whole universe inside of me. There is more to me that people and even my best friends and family will never know. It also means I love the city but am also a nature gal as well. It means home, friendships and family to me as well. 

The music notes stand for how much I love music and how much it helps me as a get away and also those are the notes to my favorite song in the entire world, Maps by Maroon 5 and these notes are also there in a similar pattern to another song Stockholm Syndrome by One Direction which was the start to me loving them and well the start of listening to more of English songs. They also have the same notes in a similar pattern to the start of my favourite Band Panic! At The Disco’s song Miss Jackson which got me into them!!

It’s total of 5 charms bound by a bracelet making it 6 because I love even numbers. ♥️

Thoughts lead to a train wreck

It was a normal night

Four in the morning

It was the early rise of the dawn 

While the whole world was still asleep, I was ready to step into my slumber

As I unwinded a tiring day of hard chores, I decided to give myself a little reward

Not knowing where the reward could lead to, I took it without thinking the road I would be in 

I took a face mask, applied it till the edges of it stuck to the curves of my face and then turned off all the nights to prepare for a deep slumber 

It was going smooth till then

But I took the choice of playing back the songs from memory lane 

As the first song started to play, I knew there was no coming back from this road

I had to drive the whole way through and beyond 

As each song kept playing and ended, my memories kept playing along with it 

The songs put by me in an order ended up turning its back against me

Each song playing in the order of my memories and the vibes that I loved in that city kept intensifying and coming back all at once in one go, one after the other 

Reminding me of the good old times 

I miss my old home deeply

I have this heart ache that intenses with every beat 

I can feel it shatter with every note 

I miss the drives on the road that I listened these songs to 

I want to go back to those days and those drives 

My own decisions of complication have brought put me here 

It opened up the doors of nostalgia and let the moments flood in 

The moments staring out at the tall sky scrapers soaring up high in the night sky, the lights comforting me, the music of the radio calming me down and making it a trigger for these memories 

Strolling along the beaches with best friends and running along the lights and having the best conversation in parks 

Memories of school, friends and family rides put me in a high and I go back and wonder what it would all be like now

Would I ever get to live through the same pattern again since that everything has changed 

I have embraced this road and soon hope to embark on it for real someday 

For now I dream on to these songs and enjoy the little drive through memory lanes.

Faking it 101

So I am assuming you stumbled upon this by accident, or by scrolling through your feed, or because you were in dire need of help on how to learn to fake through it all.

Whether it’s faking life or faking interests or faking knowledge or just faking I am here to help you through it.

I am going to give you a few tips on how you can incooperate this “useful” method in your life and well wing it. I will try but I can assure you 60% because the rest 40% depends on your environmental factors and luck.

These are some few rules you should follow if you want to fit in with the “crowd”.

  1. First of all, before you get involved with whatever piece of fandom or converstaion you want to get into, RESEARCH EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. You do not want to sound like a basic fool, you want to be thriving and want to be intersting right? So do your research. Whatever it takes.
  2. Keep up with the current updates of whatever you want to be a part of. Search each and every nook and corner of the dark web.
  3. If anyone mentions a thing you don’t have a clue on anything or what’s going in the present convo or time, just keep your phone beside you and google it. That will save your day just for the time being.
  4. You don’t want to say anything stupid right? So get everything right because every little detail matters, if not you going to be banned for life and all your efforts would have become futile.
  5. If anyone asks for your opinion on the subject matter, go with the the answer I don’t know or I don’t think so or see what the other person says and how the crowd reacts to it, then go with the crowd. Be the sheep. If you be bold, you die and all your futile efforts would go to waste
  6. Third of all, if you do not want to do any of this, how about you accept it that it’s alright for you to not know about it and move on. Why be a wanna be?

It’s alright if we all have different interests and passions. I am trying to learn that and inccoporate it into my life, I am not good at it but I am trying my best. I often am shocked on how some people don’t like what I like or like the major fandoms but I am trying to get used to it because there are many things out there that I don’t like but others dp.

If my friends like something, I will give it a try and if I don’t like it, I won’t fake till I make it because that’s just not who I am. I have tried it in the past and trust me, it’s not worth the effort and time you think it’s going to be.

Not everyone in the world has to be alike or have the same common interests. You are lucky if you find your group.

In this day and age, I feel that it’s intense with the fandoms because I feel you feel pressured to get into it and might not like it. If you don’t like it, you feel like a outcast. That’s going to be there and it’s hard.

I just do not understand why hop on the wagon just because it’s popular or just because it makes you look cool or you want to be a part of the convoseration or fandom. If you genuinely want to get into it, we will all help but why the fakeness? You can simply ask how to begin but just sticking it right in the middle is not gonna be the solution to your problem.

It’s alright if you decide to get in it right in the middle or the very end, that’s completely alright because you are being complely authentic, genuinely interested. You want to know more and I get it but just pretending to care about it, now that’s where it itches.

Do you man!!

Another world of my own

My mother often tells me that I am in a world of my own

What does that even mean? When she sees me, why is it that her mind thinks I live in an other world of my own?

Is it because I choose to be oblivious to the macabre around me?

She says that I should often come out of this world I live in to face the monsters outside, but why?

I do spend my time with the monsters but I cannot do it all day, I need a break.

I do not disagree to her statement, what I will do instead is offer an explanation as to why I have built that world

I am a keen admirer and enthusiastic on many of the movies and shows out there, I am an avid watcher

I love to listen to music because in those rhythms generate a story that I would love to be a part of or simply they give me the estacy I need

The books that I read offer me a chance to dwell in those world and I love to loose myself into the extraordinary words. I love to understand what goes on behind each sentence. I love to move with the flow of the words.

All of the above act as a help, a sort of an escape from the troubles and plight I often am in especially when at home.

I remember the screams and shouts that echoed around the walls of the house and building a world was the only way I could ever relieve myself

When I step onto the grounds of that world, the troubles leave me and I am in a story

A world where different stories exist in different realities and various personas

I enter these worlds and live in them because I am selfish

I am selfish because I want to breathe the air of peace and silence for once without any worries in the world

In the years that I have lived on this earth, at every stage in my life, I have remembered most of the pain rather than warmth

From this world of mine, I receive happiness and most importantly solace and peace

I am not a fan of anyone who wishes to enter this world

I am not welcome to the idea of anyone wanting to talk about this world

I want to lead a life that I can live in peace and happiness

I am an avid watcher of many movies and shows. I love to read the lines within the stories that unfold. I live in these worlds because they help me escape a world of my own. A world that never has the potential to offer a cure for every thirst I quench.

These stories that I witness help me forget the reality I am sometimes trapped in. I do not relish these stories soley for the purpose of using them as a sort of escape. I do so because I enjoy them

I am delighted to be in the world of movies, shows, music and stories. They provie me an esctacy that I simply cannot find in others. I immerse into them and my troubles are let go.

They are therapeutic to me. They provide help in countless ways and often ways that no other human could provide. They are a different sort of family soley exisiting for my happiness, dreams and comfort.

I choose to enter this world on my own free will, so if matters go awry, I have no one to blame but myself.

I find it enchanting because of the numerous stories told.

I may not have many talents but someday I would love to show you the magic that resides in my head. I would invite you to be a guest in my worlds and I am sure you would never think below of any great grandeure you have witnessed.

I believe I have a way in showing you these worlds, but I need me some magic to do so. If I were to be a God, I would have you granted access to slip into these cracks but I am afraid I possibly cannot to do anything

So I put my hopes in you and believe in the faith and assurance that you too put your trust in me and my words about my worlds.