So as a matter of fact I know this isn’t me
I honestly don’t remember how to function like I used to
I keep my brain occupied with everything other than focusing on what’s wrong with me
I can’t figure out what’s wrong
I don’t feel the happiest nor the saddest
I don’t feel like talking, if I have to engage in conversations, I shall but I don’t know how or what to talk.
I feel missing but I don’t know what I am missing in myself
I seem to have forgotten how to function with friends
I seem to have forgotten how to function for myself
It’s been like this since a long time
I have given up on myself but I am continuing
I am living every day but I don’t remember how I am getting by
I just get by nowadays
I don’t know if I am making any efforts because I can’t seem to remember
It’s as if my body resets my mind as I wake up each morning
My body resets my mind to nothing and I just fill it with the contents of today
Then I go to sleep and it starts again
I have lost myself and I don’t know what to do
I need help to find my way back
But how can I call for help when my hands don’t let me do so
Talking to family and friends doesn’t change this thing about me
There is a sadness that sinks in most of the time, at least the sadness made me aware. Now since the sadness has washed over me, a neutrality now sinks in.
Nothing feels the same anymore and I don’t know what feelings to attribute to most of my life now.
I feel as if an alien host has captured my body and seemingly forgot I existed. So, it took over my body and its trying to figure out what to do or how to go by everyday. It is perhaps trying to forget the original possessor of this body. I just feel like a body now.
My goals are a part of me but somewhere in between, I and them seem torn apart for now. I hope I get better.
I say everything is fine everyday and then continue
I guess now that I have written down how I feel, I can read and realise the extent to which its serious and then call for help
There are moments in time where both my brain and heart shut down from defeat or exhaustion
That’s when one should know whatever pain or ordeal the body has to go through, it shall go through with it in peace because there is no mind or heart to break and no mind and heart to feel the bodily pain
The pain of the body becomes mundane and of routine
Every time, as I inch towards my phone to call for help, my brain convinces me it is going to pass away and it does, just to the next day.
It keeps repeating and I believe it.
Update: After a few seconds from posting this.
I think I might have made a mistake letting all this out because now I don’t feel relieved that I have shared this out. I guess I would I have preferred this to be kept in secrecy.
