The Joker’s Naughty Sister

Brought to you by my Nightmares

I have written down every detail I could remember from this one. This nightmare stuck to me the most and also from many of the frightening nightmares, I remember this very vividly.

I made sure I remembered all the details by going over them again and again while trying to sleep because I wanted to write this down. I have been thinking about writing my dreams for a while and this helps.

Sometimes, I think by fixating over these details over and over, the nightmare would come back but it never has. Instead a new one comes every night.

I have put names of the people who were in my dreams by their starting and ending letter of the name in “quotes”.

It starts now…

The dream starts by I boarding the metro to a destination. When I stepped out, it seemed like I was in China Town. I figured so because of the atmosphere, the buildings, the unknown language and the markets. The strange thing was rather than expecting to find what one finds in China Town, I found that it was markets of Harry Potter instead.

The town was abandoned. I was alone. It seemed like some thing out of an apocaplyse but with everything still managing to look fresh.

Each store was a theme related to Harry Potter and this one particular store caught my eye. I guess it was a cafe and outside the entrance were the statues of Harry, Hermione and Ron pointing their wands casting a spell at the store. It was an interesting sight for the eyes.

An unknown sense of cold filled the town and I knew I needed to get out. I felt this dread within. I tried searching for a way to get out. I walked back and forth and around to find a way out.

I don’t what happened next in the dream but now I was at the metro. This metro had connections to the entire world and could take me anywhere. I saw the metro rush behind the glassed doors carrying passengers or something else. I am not sure anymore.

I went down to the platform to ask someone for help and I got helped. I needed to get to Burjuman, a mall in Bur Dubai. I did not know what for, all I knew was that I was headed there.

I stood on the shaking compartment and proceeded to look out at the views outside. It was different but appealing. I saw buildings achieve various architectural feats. Among the many buildings, I saw this one building have the most beautiful stained glass allowing various colours to be seep into the glass building. Those stained glasses had pictures that told stories. Sadly, I did not know what they told.

Now, I was at the airport with my mom and we were in a lounge. This lounge seemed like it was meant for people travelling in an elite class. The lounge was spacious and it had red floors and golden curtains hang. The place gleamed.

There were many tables and six chairs surrounded each one. It was the most fanciest and sophistcated place I have ever been in.

I don’t think I was in the right attire for this atmosphere.

Myself and my mom walked down this big lounge and we find our old neighbours seated at the table right in the middle. It was the mother “M.Y” and her daughter “M.A.L”. It looked like we all were having a jolly time, with choclate mouse on the table for all of us to dig in.

Out of nowhere, this Malayali actor Suresh Gopi comes and decides to sit with us. He sits next to me.

There were 6 chairs at the time, two taken by mom and myself, two taken by the other mother and daughter and one taken by the actor. The other chair was not taken. For some reason I do not rememeber the sixth chair being there but I knew it was. My gut says so.

Suddenly, I find the actor and myself sitting on my chair. I was sitting on a very tiny space of the chair and I was half hanging out but somehow I managed to sit just fine and then numbers of the chair reduced from 6 to 5. I frankly don’t understand the logic of this.

There were 5 occupied chairs but how was the actor still in my chair if the fifth chair were occupied?

The space seemed much smaller and more intimate. I started to panic and with my heart racing out of my chest, I rushed from there.

I did not know where my legs took me but now I was in a small movie theatre hardly with 30-50 seats in it. I saw four of my old high school friends, now who I no longer keep in touch with.

“T.L and J.E” stood on the right side of the theatre while “M.A and A.I” stood on the left. They had concerned looks on their face while watching me break into this paranoia.

I broke down on the stairs. I knelt down and remained there saying to them that I was convinced that I was in some sort of experiment, being controlled, being watched. I was convinced the whole world was in on this. It felt as if I was in a psycholigcal thriller. I was missing the bigger picture, the bigger lie.

Those four people stook there trying to tell something, something in the lines of “what you are thinking is not true, it is nothing of that sorts.”

I was on the main stage now, in front of the big screen, down on the floor. As I rushed towards the door, I found the joker stand. This joker looked different. This joker took the form of Milley Cyrus, a rather frightening version of her. Her hair all tangled in knots, pale white skin, colours of green and purple bled on her face and in her hair. She looked into my eyes viciously with meaning.

In seconds, I found myself spring upright, mere inches away from her face and then I saw what terrified me the most. Her eyes sewn shut. I could see the black thread stitched in and out of her eyes. Her eyes opened.

I was now a few feet apart from her and the Joker. This Joker was now the Joker I was used to seeing in movies. The Joker played by Heath Ledger and then beside him stood that being.

I do not know if you know this, but there is this black board above some of the movie halls that show the movie they are about to play or the ongoing movie in that hall. That board appeared above the movie screen and showed the title “The Joker’s Naughty Sister.”

I was watching all of this behind my computer screen, watching the other me. It felt like I was watching a movie but it was not. I knew that being beside the Joker was me. This connection was personal and intimate. I felt it.

Then I screamed

Dream Over

I screamed for my mom. I called her name out loud. It was as if a demon was being exorcised right out of my body. My mom came by my side and comforted me like always.

She was used to these nightmares of mine. I have them almost every single day and in every single day, I cry out for her name. Most of the nightmares, I do not remember what happened but this one, I did. I do not know why.

Every nightmare, I scream for my mom and in some of them, I wake up in terror. I do not know why I get these. I wish I knew.

I tried going back to sleep but the moment I shut my eyes, I saw the stitched eyes looking back at me. Every time I wanted to close my eyes, instead of seeing darkness, I saw those eyes.

So I opened my eyes out of fear every once a while to get that image out of my head and then I slept.

I can’t sleep

I can’t sleep because of the weight of the galaxy I carry inside my body

I can’t sleep because of the stars that light up in my soul

I can’t sleep because the stars have lost their way to reach the midnight skies

I can’t sleep because of the crack of the dawn in the skies

I can’t sleep when I am awake because I am out here sitting on the ledge staring out at the skies behind my window

Its a clear baby blue sky with an orange stripe painted right across it

I hear the birds chip signalling the start of a new morning

However I can’t get myself to sleep despite the touch of the morning

I am afraid I have fallen into the habit of not sleeping at night due to the chores that keep me busy at night

I have failed to see the beauty in the mornings as I wake up

I see the drapes shut of many of the windows out there, as the drapes start to open, I close mine indicating the world that I am down for my slumber

Never being able to get sleep has only been one of the few problems in my life because that happens almost never but it does happen and when it does, it’s usually the sign of a chaos erupting soon

I don’t know what to do but sitting on this narrow ledge near my window seems to be helping quite a bit

This feels movie like

You know the scene where it’s early dawn or dusk and the writer goes out somehwhere seeking for an inspiration or for an answer to the cosmos exisiting within them.

It feels like that right now except for them, it leads to a big climatic search and for me, it feels ordinarly extraordinary but carries an undertone of a MacGuffin.

I am starring in my own movie, just not without any cameras or an audience to see it all unfold

As I am staring out into the abyss listening to country music, I have realised how beauitful they are, matching up to the slow excitement of the sunrise. I have realized how decieving they can be with thier words but still manage to create a charm in the listner.

Hues of Pink have started to come into the view and I can see a blend of pink, red, orange and white join to create a thin cloud trail spread and strech across the sky

I have stayed up all night to witness one of the many miracles of life uninteionally and can i say was it worth it?

It has but it still hasn’t made me want to lie down and drowse

The blend of colours have now painted itself across the skies, fusion itself with blue evoking different feelings in me

I see that very same blend trail across the skies just like a shooting star plumetting down to earth. What could you be? A symbol, a metaphor?

Universe, would you kindly tell me the mysterious ways in which you work

I have now witnessed the miracle of life

What now?

Thoughts lead to a train wreck

It was a normal night

Four in the morning

It was the early rise of the dawn 

While the whole world was still asleep, I was ready to step into my slumber

As I unwinded a tiring day of hard chores, I decided to give myself a little reward

Not knowing where the reward could lead to, I took it without thinking the road I would be in 

I took a face mask, applied it till the edges of it stuck to the curves of my face and then turned off all the nights to prepare for a deep slumber 

It was going smooth till then

But I took the choice of playing back the songs from memory lane 

As the first song started to play, I knew there was no coming back from this road

I had to drive the whole way through and beyond 

As each song kept playing and ended, my memories kept playing along with it 

The songs put by me in an order ended up turning its back against me

Each song playing in the order of my memories and the vibes that I loved in that city kept intensifying and coming back all at once in one go, one after the other 

Reminding me of the good old times 

I miss my old home deeply

I have this heart ache that intenses with every beat 

I can feel it shatter with every note 

I miss the drives on the road that I listened these songs to 

I want to go back to those days and those drives 

My own decisions of complication have brought put me here 

It opened up the doors of nostalgia and let the moments flood in 

The moments staring out at the tall sky scrapers soaring up high in the night sky, the lights comforting me, the music of the radio calming me down and making it a trigger for these memories 

Strolling along the beaches with best friends and running along the lights and having the best conversation in parks 

Memories of school, friends and family rides put me in a high and I go back and wonder what it would all be like now

Would I ever get to live through the same pattern again since that everything has changed 

I have embraced this road and soon hope to embark on it for real someday 

For now I dream on to these songs and enjoy the little drive through memory lanes.

I think and feel way too much.

( This blog has been written long before, This could be a little throwback. A piece based on the workings of the mind in me.)

I think I am an over-thinker. It certainly does not have its perks.

I tend to over think about every situation I have or will be in, every comment I have made, ever mistake that I have done, why people don’t reply to me on time, why the tone changes in both text and communication, when the person begins a talk with I want to talk to you about something, before understanding or knowing what the person is about to tell me, I freak out and immediately create hypothetical situations in mind.

The above instance is not even the ones, to begin with. There is so much more. I feel very stressed out and tensed for the tiniest things of life.

I think about the future way too often in the night because nights have always known to be the embodiment for dreadful and serious thinking and thoughts.

I love my mom, dad and my grandparents way too much, I don’t think I can function without them. They are a huge part of my world, they are my world and if anything happens to them, it breaks my whole system. My whole universe would shatter into an infinite number of pieces and since I am the only child, that thought of being alone scares me a lot because I will have no one to call as my own.

Who will I run to if I want to talk to about the tiniest happiest moments of life?

Who will I run too if I want to burst out and cry?

Who will advise me when I am insecure and broken?

My mother is the one that I possibly cannot live without. Every day I live in constant fear of her leaving me. It is something that I can’t imagine and when I do, the future does not look right. I see a world dark and broken.

Like these many thoughts rush through my mind.

I think of past instances on how I have been mean to people and how I could go back and change it all. I think about the mistakes I have done and the big truths I have hidden from my family and friends (ps: to my best friends, I haven’t done much wrong to them, but I think I am wrong, but to other friends, I have and god I wish I could go back and reverse many moments.)

I wish I could change it all and live without that guilt in me. That’s the thing about guilt. You have no idea on when it’s going to come and creep up on you. It never leaves your side.

I have gone through that lane way too many times and still am. To one of my friend, I had promised to stay with her during the vacations but I failed to do my promise at the very last moment because I needed to go back and see my family because I was missing them way too much and I nearly cried every day because of not being with them. I left her alone. I know what I did was wrong and god, I wish I could have made a decision about it earlier and so suddenly.

But, you know those moments right? Am I a bad person? I honestly don’t know anymore. I do regret leaving her but at the same time, I just had to come back to just be myself and be with them. It was getting too much and I knew I would just break soon. I had to do something before I got damaged real bad, but that still doesn’t function as a good reason for leaving her. God….

The nights I have had thinking about this every single time has made me sleepless and just blame myself too much.

Like that, many such instances have come up, not betraying ones. The embarrassing ones I could have avoided and me still furiously thinking about it.

Then there are those ones where my entire life comes to a question. I have a theory about life. Its absurd and I know it. I have told people this and they just look at me in a very weird way.

So here goes my theory, I think that I am in a deep sleep/choma or probably dead and this life that I am living is probably a creation of my mind, I might have created these characters and accurate details of life or I know these characters from before. I don’t know.

Sometimes this theory makes a lot of sense.

So when I actually go to sleep, what about the dreams I have? They must be well created and thought too or it’s just me taking a well-deserved break. Dreams within dreams within dreams. I honestly question everything.

I don’t act on it a lot but my mind sure does.

( This theory has not been inspired by inception before, I saw Inception recently, like a few days back, this theory had been stuck with me through thick and thin since 11th grade. Maybe i might have seen Inception in an alternate universe or maybe in one of my dreams. God I am not so sure but am sure. )

Majority of the times, trying to doze off and sleep proves to be a difficult task because of the numerous countless thoughts that I have.

One thought leads to another and it is an endless vicious loop. How I get myself to sleep is by creating stories and fantasies in my mind. It proves to be a hell lot of effective because I have no idea on when idea and how I came to sleep. I love sleeping tho, I could spend hours and hours sleeping. It’s a beautiful activity.

You know when going to sleeping is an easy task? It is an easy task when you are too tired and exhausted and you hit the bed and you just fall asleep. Those are the best kinds of well-deserved sleep to ever exist.

I think about my past moments a lot, especially the ones that made me sad and happy. I tend to think about just living in those happy moments forever and not leaving that world ever. I wish I could do that but life and reality sure do have its way of sailing in rough seas. Sometimes, I feel I am way too stuck in the past and sometimes, overthinking about the future.

There are those very few moments that I have lived in the moment but at some of those moments, I overthink about how it is going to end soon and always wished it would last for long. I am truly happy in the moments that I get but I can’t help but wonder on how it could have lasted longer.

Right now as I am writing this, I am in the second month of my four-month vacation from uni and can’t help but pray every time for the vacation to go as slow as possible because I don’t want it to end and I am not ready for it to end.

I try to spend as much time as possible with my mom but sometimes you know, Netflix and then time just flashes by and I feel I have not spent enough time with her and my friends.

The thing is when I am at home with them, I know they are with me and I don’t need that constant need to stick with her throughout and talk because she is there in this very air as me, it’s when I am closer to leaving, it hits me on why I didn’t spend that much time but then now, it’s different. It’s all too different.

Overthinking every aspect of life gets dreadful.

Back in uni, my parents always make sure I have enough money for food and for expenditures and in certain cases, I have spent a lot of money unnecessarily without thinking on the hard work my dad does to earn and send me that money, which makes certain people think I am way too rich but I am not that rich. Yes, we have money but what people don’t understand is that my dad works way too hard for that and right now, he is having some crisis, and god how I wish I could help him.

Despite all that, they make sure to never complete all my wishes and they have always given me the good life despite the hard lives they live through every second of their day especially my mother.

Every night, I think about the remarks that I am too rich and I wish I could tell people that it’s not how they think it is. They have put their entire life savings into my education and have gone in debts and yes I spend quite a bit, and I see why people make that statement but it just gets to me when that remark is every single time.

My mom and dad have given me the best life and that’s why they send me the money, they don’t want to see me upset. It’s not that they have too much money to give, it’s that they will do anything for me and sometimes I have taken way too much advantage of that.

I have lived life adjusting and I know I can adjust to some things but also not some of it. Very few people know some things about me and I wish I could be more open.

I always think about my future and my goals, I don’t tell it to many people, only to people I am close to, and it’s my dream/mission/goal to show my mom the world and make her live with me because she has done so much for me and I want my mom to be the happiest person ever.

Back in uni, I always wonder on what has happened to the real me that makes me me and on how I still find it hard to express and open myself up despite the good friends I have.

I still can’t give that realness to them. I am not being fake. I have just become way too shut off and I wasn’t like that. I just don’t talk much because sometimes I feel people would just overpower me and like I don’t know. So when I am back home, I just am happy because I get to be me again.

I am not entirely saying that I am not me, there are just a certain few aspects that I think won’t change.

These are the thoughts that come to my mind every single time.

( UPDATE:  There are some things that have changed now, but I am not sure yet which of them. So I am taking my time to learn.

Publishing this post suddenly made me get my closure about certain things with myself. I feel a bit better, relieved and happy. )