The Last Day of 2018 at Nottingham

13th December 2018, 1:00 AM

 

Sleep refues to potrude and take over me, what do I do at times like these? I take out my laptop, watch a few shows, listen to some music especially to Panic! At The Disco because they are love, and they are life.

 

Now it’s 10:40 pm, a few hours left to go

I slept for a few hours, after I started to write this post. This girl needs her sleep. After my sleep, I woke up, did my laundry, changed bed sheets, cleared out the garbage and fridge, cleaned the washroom, vacumed the floor, ate food, slept and now continuing to finish this post before I leave.

Looking forward to 2019 because too many exciting things are happening, which I will tall about later in my later blog post.

Right now, I am going to focus on my feelings on the last day of 2018 here, at Nottingham, a place that feels like home now thanks to the “good group of friends” I have. I put them in quotes because, inside joke…… And if my friends read this post, they will kknow about it. Now I know whether you read my posts or not.

So, getting back to my feelings. I feel a bit nervous and very excited to go back home. Why does it feel werid tho? Going back to your own home. It feels like such a long break and then you returning back to your home is a whole sort of process in itself. The whole nervous, anxious bit, the sadness of leaving your friends, the journey and the airplane ride in itself. It is such a pain but it’s worth it.

I try not to think about the time that I have to come back in January because I want to be more of the version of myself where I do not want to worry about every worrying moment of the future, I want to live each day without worrying about every bit. I want to enjoy and live in the time, at the moment.

It’s a process in learning and making.

So right now, I am excited and staring at the clock real hard waiting for the hourse to go by fast so that I can reach home and then pray and hope for the clock to start working really slow when I reach back home. I want time to go as slow as possible the minute I set foot in Dubai.

 

14th December, 1:30 AM

My Last Day.

I look towards the clock tick and anxiosuly wait for each hour to pass by fast so that I can leave for home. I walk around, pace in my room, listen to some songs to kill some time, partciualrly more of Panic! at the disco and Zayn’s new ablum Icarus Falls. Also killing some time by watching some interviews.

So right now, I feel excited, nervous and ready. I am also relived because I wanted to post this piece before I left and now that I have, I feel free and liberated.

The minute it hits 3, I know that I can’t containt it in me anymore. Just one more hour and I am on my way to the airport and then comes the tedious journey.

I am so ready to go back home.

 

 

Changes

This phrase, everything happens for the best and Change is good. I do not know what to make of it.

What is the protocol here? What is expected of me?

Changes simply kept happening everywhere and I slowly felt myself loosing my grasp on the world I lived in.

 

Incident that took place at August 2018

There was this small yogurt place down in box park, Jumeirah. The last time I had been there was with my family and grandparents. It was a beautiful time indeed.

I wished to go back there again because of box park and that small place amidst the fancy shops, big ship containers designs beautifully and when the night sets in,  beautiful lights surround and create the most magical and beautiful vibe.

My cousins had come to Dubai and we took them around La Mer and box park. It was Dubai’s highlight. Everything about this place had a certain aura and magic to it. Growing up around these streets and witnessing the changes around was one of a kind experience.

So coming back to the yogurt place, to mark the end of my day with my cousins, I wished to go there and have a frozen yogurt, It was always a tradition, whenever we would go there, we would always have that frozen yogurt. Big enough for a family because we weren’t that much of a sweet tooth when it came to things like these but for other desserts, yes.

So, in the hopes and excitement of getting a yogurt, I was filled with emotions and when we reached there, we were unable to find it. I still did not lose hope but it all came crashing down when the security guard over there told us that that place closed down months ago.

At that very moment, my heart dropped into the deepest pit of my body, then it broke into small pieces and was scattered all over into the depths of that pit. It felt as if going into a black void and with no way out to see the surface ever again.

That change, why was that change for the best or for the good? That change was bad. Businesses shutting down, people losing jobs, this country was becoming so costly to live in. The old Dubai essence whizzed away. This was not the Dubai I once grew up in. Certain parts of it still remain the same, but still. Why did that change happen? What good was it?

 

giphy

My home, changed so much and I love it to the best. Leaving it is always was the hard part. When I had to leave my home for uni, that change. It was nice at first but then it took for a worse turn when I got homesick and cried every day. How was that change good or for the best? Probably it was for the best because I was getting a good education and making my life ready.

But what good were the changes at my home? They weren’t great, no one was happy.

 

“People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they’re really saying is that something you didn’t want to happen at all… has happened.”

-A quote from the movie you’ve got mail. 

A quote so true.

 

Right now

Change is the only thing that seems to be one of the constants in my life right now. Starting with family, the most fundamental root, I wish I could say everything is for the best and continue to keep the positive facade, but some times it’s not and it worries me sick about the present and the future.

giphy-1

I worry about changes a lot. I look forward to the good changes in life, don’t we all?

I still can’t place my feelings on how I feel about change. For the worst or for the best? Is change life’s way of spicing up our’s and it’s lives. Is change a living entitiy that is in all our lives and can only thrive like this in every movement of time?

I also find myself changing a bit, it might be a silly or an insigficant change, but it does matter to me. When it comes to us, every single detail matters. It’s like a spider web, you mess with one string, the whole foundation just falls apart.

I had this habit, whenever I missed my mother, I used to play old malaylam songs because it reminded me of her and when she used to sign and hum to the tunes. It was embedded in me since I was a child. And intially when I came to uni, crying my heart out to it was what I did. I always knew what I was getting myself into when the songs came, long hours of crying and pain.

But now, as I play these songs, I do feel myself drown in the sorrow and pain of my mom not being there with me. The pain of being miles apart resurfaces but I once have not cried to it ever since I got back from my vacations. All of you might find this as a small change, but like I said, even the tiniest of change is a huge deal

I also find people changing, for some profounding reason for the good but then there are the basket cases where I have lost hope in.

So far, it has all been good. I am meeting new and amazing people.

As time gets ticking, my future keeps changing as well, every day has it’s own changes. I am anxious but also excited to see what the future has in store for me.

I am happy with some of the changes so far, exciting changes and moments have been happening for one of my best friend and I couldn’t be more happier and proud of her because she has worked so hard and she desreves it. I am happy with some of the changes that have also been happening to me. Through bad times I have learnt in some good lessons and changes.

And just a few minutes back, I have been blessed with the most amazing news for my family. I am not saying anything out loud because I do not want to jinx or anyone to jinx it because there are some people in the world who really would go to all lengths on destroying one’s family and peace of mind.

 

It’s time to end, and here is how I think I am doing

So, I am getting around just fine despite the storm… 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj