My parents teach me…

Thank you mom and dad for teaching me the real and unfiltered version of parenthood, a marriage and a relationship.

Many of us learn differerent things from our parents and I have decided to take it upon myself to learn everything I can, the do’s and the don’ts. You learn a lot from your parents, they have experienced this parental and marital life and now you are the next in line if you want to be.

You learn from their mistakes, that’s how I have learnt majority of the advice I have written down. My parents are flawed people but good. Some flaws outweigh more than the good things they have done. That doesn’t deviate from the fact that they are still good.

So here is a compilation of some of the things I have learnt from them. This piece will all be about the parental tips I have learnt.

Parental Tips

  1. Try not to be condescending towards your kids. Trust them when they tell you they know what they are doing but that doesn’t mean you stop helping them or you stop monitoring them. See what they are doing and offer help but do not bug them on every step. If they fail, avoid the ” I told you so” and offer a comforting talk instead.

2. When you fight with your partner, try to not put your children in the position of choosing sides. It is an incredibly difficult, painful and an anxiety invoking situation for them. I know that feeling because I have been put in it countless moments of my life. The parent who I side with is happy but the other feels betrayed. Children, if you also have to choose, choose the right moral side.

3. Trust your children and give them space. Be their parents and also their friends. Sometimes, even if they think they don’t need that advice, give it to them.

4. Never attribute the worst traits of your partner to your children. The most hurtful lines that can ever be said are “you are just like your father/mother” when said in a negative spotlight. Trust me, I know that gut wrenching feeling. You are doing everything you can to support them and make them happy and one slip up from your part and they say that one line, it wrecks you.

5. Have the uncomfortable talks with your children. My parents to date have not given me the “sex talk”. If I would have got the “period talk” back then, it would have been pretty useful and I could have avoided the mini freak out I had back then.

6. Be accepting, warm and loving of their choices. Do not become that parent where your kids are terrified of you and have the need to lie to you for every single thing.

For a while, I have had that type parents and I still do. I have lied a lot because I was scared but then things changed with them, they became more open, supportive and started understanding my struggles, that helped me a lot.

7. Try not to have the big fights with your partner in front of your kids. It creates a damaging family environment for them. Kids do like peace in their families.

8. Be parents only if you are ready to be parents. It is a lot of work. When your kids grow up, do not ever be in that position where you feel you have sacrificed your identity and life for them. Do not guilt them for your mistakes. Do not make your kids feel the burden. They came into this world because of your choice.

9. Parents fuck up kids. That is one things parents should really acknowledge. You cannot raise the perfect kid, so stop. Let them be, guide them, be with them but let them have their own path.

10. Do not over burden your kids. Do not pressure them into being A-star students at school. Help them, monitor them but do not give them a life time scolding just because they got a B.

11. Teach them manners, what is right and wrong, teach them more about the world. Teach them what you wish you would have been taught by your parents.

12. I would like to have family movie nights with my kids. Make a tradition, any tradition that you and your kids would enjoy!

13. Do not be the over protecting parents monitoring your kid’s every move. Give them independence at the age you think they need. Teach them responsibilities they will need to do later on in life.

14. Children have needs and wants and it is your responsibility to fulfil them. Don’t say the line, “I am doing this for you and that.” It is what you are expected to do, it is your responsibility. Unless they are asking for irrational ones, think about it and do what feels right.

15. Have an open communication. Make sure you know what is happening in their lives at any age. Ask them, be there for them.

16. Treat them like children when they are at that age and treat them like adults when they are at that age. Do not have a double standard opinion.

There is no manual on how to raise your kids right. You figure it out and you hope that you are doing it right. Even though, I have gathered few tips doesn’t mean I have it mastered for the future. I know I will be making mistakes but I hope I can learn from them. I just hope I do it right.

The Take Out

I sit out on a bench looking at the street looking at the various buildings that exisit to serve some purpose

I sit here outside this cafe waiting for my pizza and cheese fries on the go. To pass some time, I listen to my playlist “My Indie Vibes” . Each song somehow suiting the mood I am in 

The sun is at its best now, I guess. 

It shines not very brightly but bright enough to give off a warm glaze off it when looking at it. The time to be a beautiful evening sun. The evening sun you see in movies, everyone coming back from work and watching the city bustle. 

Then I hear a shout of my name to which I get a heart attack. It was my dad coming from work tired and happy listening to country songs. He gets very excited about these songs 

Before him interrupting my thoughts, I guess I wanted to write something. Yes, I remember what it is.

I had quite the day today. Shopped out of my budget. I do not like shopping for clothes for myself. This does not mean I do not, I just find it tiring and well if I like something, I try it on and will buy if I have the money. That’s what I did. I was very testy and pissed having spend off my money.

Then my mom told me why save up and save up if you are not going to spend on something that makes you happy. This advice calmed me down and I saw the happy side to it. I got some cool shirts to wear. 

After all, this saved up money was not going to be of any use in hell, perhaps as a bribe to get into heaven. 

Then while going back home, I saw this old man on a wheelchair selling packets of tissues. It hurt me physically causing me to whimper. I can’t stand watching people in despair and beg. 

So I went up-to him and bought two packets of tissues, a dollar for each packet. He handed me three to which I declined first but he insisted with a happy smile to which I smiled back and then took. 

I can’t forget that smile and never will. I guess that smile came from happiness that finally someone noticed him and gave him money for the first time or he was joyous that he was closer to affording a meal. 

I got to thinking what different people do to survive. It aches me. I told my mom that whenever my mom and dad come here, when they see that man, they should always give him some money. I can’t wait to grow up, get a job and do my bit for them, for people who need the help. It makes you think and know you got it quite good. 

Later as my mom and I were walking home, we saw a small cute child carrying a trolley bag holding his father’s hand who was leading him along. The boy looked unwilling and looked as if he wanted to go out and play rather than do whatever they were going to do. 

This got my mom reminiscing about my past, my school life, particularly my year 10. The most stressful and worst year of my life in school. 

There was this insane pressure to achieve and I knew I couldn’t. I just didn’t understand Maths and Science. It was not for me and I tried so hard and I achieved the grade I wanted and I was happy. I got the grade I deserved. 

My mom told me she was so afraid of me not passing Maths and I told her it was hard. I had to memorize formulas and sums to get that grade. 

I despised every bit of my 10th grade, the tuitions, the pressure and the stress to get that grade because society and outside family would judge me if I don’t get it. It was awful succumbing to these pressures. 

Then some or the other conversation happened with her to spark this one I am going to write about.

I told her about how some teachers were not good to me. They undermined me, thought I wouldn’t make it and she was so shocked and upset because I did not tell her this back then. I knew she would wreck their worlds if I told her, so I kept quiet back then and just went with it. 

I told her that when in year 12, when I became a prefect and one time when I was passing her, she said “oh you got it?” in a very sarcastic tone. 

I was hurt but I forgot about it. Clearly I haven’t done a good memory forgetting it if I still remember it now. 

This is why year 11 and 12 were the best years of my high school. I was doing subjects that I loved. I got a chance to prove myself and start anew. I found myself and found great friends in a great class. I thrived. I got so many opportunities that I would never get back then. 

Back to the present moment, The takeout. Some time passed and I got the meal, my dad paid and we were walking back home. My dad listening to his music in the evening sun and I beside him dwelling in this sad spiral. 

I wanted to have some sort of talk and comfort with him but he was dwelling in his music and I didn’t want to ruin that. In that moment I knew this is how my parents felt when I am engrossed in laptop and phone all day. That feeling hurt and I am sorry that you have to go through with it mom and dad. 

This sad spiral I was in was due to earlier incidents.

This is exactly why I choose not to talk about the past because many of it brings me pain. My technique works just fine, forget about those bad times, suppress it down/forget it and move on. Talking about it now just made me more upset. If I talked to someone back then, it would probably be better and not hurt so much like as of now but at the end it’s always going to hurt the same. 

This is exactly why I choose not to talk about many things from my past or from my present  because they always tend to leave me in this sad wallowing misery. 

Now I have to smile and pretend to be in this happy state in front of my mom and dad because I don’t want them to be sad and up in my space. I wouldn’t have been sad if not for talking about the past. 

This is exactly why I like my technique. It doesn’t hurt anyone, probably me but I have been dealing with that tiny hurt for a long time, so long now it’s just normal. I am okay after a while. 

Now I feel much better writing it down and presenting it out in the open. 

What an irony? I say I don’t want to talk about it yet I write about it and show it to the world. Huh. 

I do not want to be a quitter

So my parents have this idea expected from me that I tend to quit some of the many things I seem to try. I would say that I simply run out of interest in them. I do not quit because it is hard, I just lost my interest in them and yes maybe one time, I quit because it became hard.

When I am about to start something new, my parents beat around the bush to tell me not to quit very subtly. ( Mom, Dad, you guys do not know how to be subtle… ) It makes me upset but I see where they are coming from. I have quit quite some things.

The past two years completely changed me in many ways. I have learnt not to quit very easily. I try my best and put in everything I have got. At the end of the day when the result comes, I know I did my absolute best. Even if the results are not favourable, I learn what needs to be done and then go for the run again. I know that nothing should or could stop me from chasing the dream I want to lead.

I will admit when the results are not in the odds, I do get crushed and burnt. When I want to get up and start, my mom is the one that sweeps away the ashes and brings me up again, like a Phoenix.

If not for her, I would remain to be crushed and sad for inhumanly as long as possible. She reminds me not to give up and go for it even if the odds are stacked against me. She is never dissapointed in me because she knows I do my best and she has taught me to see that as well.

This degree I am doing now, sometimes the odds are not in my favour even if I have given up my world and tried my best. Sometimes it is like that and that would want you to give up but then you need to always remember the bigger picture, the bigger dream and it is going to happen. That’s what makes me going. I have my faith, hard work, my belief in destiny and passion and I know that it will happen.

I try not to imagine the negative outcomes of the “what if”. Instead I imagine the endless possibilities of the “what if” which inspires me to try what I dream of.

This blog that I started a year ago has become a symbol that represents I have not quit. I started this blog to post what I write and feel and I am still doing it one year later. When I did not get the results I hoped for, I had it in me to quit but no, I continued to write and express. I remembered why I decided to start this home of mine. This blog that is present here stands as a symbol of my dreams and my strength. It stands as a form of my expression and dreams.

This home of mine proves that I can do anything and everything. I need to always put in my hardwork, passion and what ever I have got into any work my soul has set its heart onto.

I do not want to be a quitter and I won’t be one. If anything hard comes in my ball park, I will make sure to try and hit the home run out of it. If not a home run, atleast I would try to score some goals rather than be kicked out of the game.