I am selfish

I am selfish

I am selfish when I wish for plans to be cancelled so I can have a day to myself.

I am selfish in wanting to do things alone, things that my friends like to do with me, but I am selfish and want to do it by myself.

I am selfish for craving momentary happiness and for wishing momentary sadness for people who bring me down.

I am selfish in wanting to keep everyone to myself but I am also selfish when I want to keep myself away when they need me.

I am selfish when I don’t to share my world with the others.

I am selfish for wanting so much when I don’t deserve half of it.

I am selfish for not speaking up about what matters the most to me because it hurts others when I don’t.

I am selfish for speaking my true mind that hurt others and myself.

I am selfish for going after I want and not thinking about the countless lives I am leaving behind

I am selfish for wanting to chase something that can bring destruction to my family.

I am selfish when I escape into a world of mine because I refuse to participate in acts that hurt myself and other people

I am selfish when I do not want to face conseuqences to my actions

I am selfish in wanting to dodge my problems

I am selfish when I think about bad sins I want to do

I am selfish for judging about people’s sacrifices that were unnecessary. I am selfish when I do not see the real motive or purpose.

I am selfish for not making enough sacrifices.

I am selfish when I fail to commit to my words even if I can sense that it will kill me.

I am selfish in every way in everyone’s hearts

I am selfish in every binary situation and in every contrast

I live upto everyone’s words and yet continue to be selfish

I try my best not to be but I end up being anyways.

Do I know what selfish is anymore or do I just need a word to end everything I want to say?

Speaking up.

We desire to make change. We desire to make change for the world. We do change the world in some way or an other but to make a change that would impact us to the very core, we need something big.

Let us take our lives for example, we desire to make changes. Knowingly or unkowingly, we do make changes. For the good or for the bad, that is on us.

Just when I think, we are in a different time and an era where we are trying to progress for the good, the world and its leaders are just out there trying to break down the process of making humanity good.

All these crimes against everyone, we speak about it, we voice out our opinions, we do so much but is anything happening? Are their cold and inhumane hearts warming up to humanity?

Yes, things are happening! Moments of strength, bravery and courage has led us this far and has opened new doors to everyone but we still have a lot to go keep going for.

There are times when I think about the most henious and depressing state of our contries and about the crimes that have been taking place since a long time.

It makes you wonder if your voice is reaching out there. It makes you want to pause for a moment and wonder if this is going anywhere. Will anything happen? People have been doping it for ages and what difference is your voice going to make. Everyone has been trying, yet we all are stuck in the same boat just inches away from where we have left. We need to cross the whole ocean to reach at the place we desire.

At the same time, I am proud of us for speaking out and uniting against the wrong doings commited by people. When we speak out, we make the world aware of what is going on. By using our voices, we inform and let people know. We should continue to do so.

I admire those people who risk their lives to get the truth out. They are the brave ones out of the lot.

I know there will be times when we wonder if our actions lead us anywhere and sometimes the results won’t be flattering but that shouldn’t stop us because that is what those people want. The moment we give up, that’s when they win.

So let’s keep fighting till we see the change we want to see. Sometimes the fights stop and then a new fight starts. So let’s keep battling throughout our life but let’s also stop to take a breather once in a while.

Thank you for the 201!!

This is unbelievable!! 201 awesome people are following this home of mine!!

When I started out, I never could comprehend people would be out there reading what I wrote and supporting it. Even if it a little group of people or just 1 person supporting me, it meant the whole world to me!!

I am so excited for this home to grow in terms of myself and the people! I look forward to welcoming more amazing and wonderful human beings out there. I look forward to learning more about what people think!

I can’t wait to write and write and see where it takes me! Thank you for supporting me on this journey!

Do keep spreading the love and sharing it!!

And once again Thank You All!!!!

The two men

It has been three days since I had gone to the gym. Three idle days of sitting in bed, reading and watching.

Today I went to the gym, it was energetic. It is a small gym with three equipments and some weights and a bounce ball in the building on the same floor as I live .

Nine huge glass windows were mounted to one side of the gym and a plain white wall on the other. The treadmill among the other gym equipments faced the windows giving me the opportunity to look out at the people on the streets indulging in their routine and/or activities. 

I have a specific time when going to the gym here. Eleven A.M to Twelve P.M. I spend around an average of Forty minutes at the gym. During this time, I watch new and old people on the streets do their thing. 

I am not much of a good observer. I just look at what the other people see. I see but not observe. I am trying to improve on that. So when at the gym, I teach myself by setting people as targets so I learn. I cannot deduce like Sherlock Holmes or Doctor Watson but they do teach quite a bit. I just let my mind do the bare minimum with some context either given in by the environment or by my mind.

When in the gym, I keep on some music or a podcast so that I tend not to strain my eyes looking at the screen of the phone which I do everyday every hour. So just during these Forty minutes, I let my eyes prey the world outside.

I notice what the people do. I feel like a hunter stalking its prey but not deciding to act on it. Instead just looking outside and watching, keeping it all to myself. I take note of the time when the vans come around and I would like to deduce for what purpose they come. I deduce it by the logo on the van. Pretty easy work. I like to keep my mind occupied with minuscule details like these.

Today I went to the gym at 10:50 AM.  As usual, I watch the old and new people. What always catches my eyes are a pair. There are always those two men sitting on the ground sometimes standing indulging in conversations or sometimes resting.

I only see them there till I leave. I do not know what they do after. All this while I have been coming, I have never witnessed them leave during the time I spend in the gym.

I always wondered what brought them there at this specific time. I am assuming they were brought there by the obligations of their job. I would like to think of a higher purprose that brought them there, everyone who was brought there during the time I was there.

As always when I am on the treadmill, I watched them keenly trying to decipher why they were here. They wore Red shirts with Green luminous bands imprinted on the shirt around their arms and had black pants on.

I figured they were some sort of workers, but of what vocation, I could not figure that out. It would have been easy considering how one could learn about the purpose of different uniforms, but I rather not.

I tried to figure out the nature of the conversation they were having right now. The guy on the left had various hand movements going on. It seemed as if he was explaining some concept or a joke to the man, colleague or perhaps his friend on his right.

I could not understand what expression each of them had fixated on their faces because they wore big hats and looking down on them from a height, it was nearly impossible to figure. So I could only deduce. I say a joke because I could see the man smile a bit even if he had the big hat on.

After a brief of Ten minutes, they stood up and went near the big can that ressembles a canister but worn out and rusty. Then I saw a big white garbage truck come along and these two men placed the big can onto the rear holders and the garbage was dumped into back of the truck. As soon as the the truck completed the job, they hopped along the sides of the truck and went away.

That was it. 

My keenful watching was over. Why did the truck decide to come at this specific time today? On the other days, I never saw the truck but today, I saw it. Why did it decide to rob me of the pleasure of figuring out the story of them?

I could have assigned a nice story with some rich context and background but I was robbed of it. Now I have to hunt for other regular people who stick to their routines and not have a satisfying conclusion so I can create my own story for them.

There is some comfort in trying to figure out the story of strangers. There is a better comfort when assigning your own story to them with your mind.

Thoughts

In this world, there are millions of people out there. Every second, every minute, on the streets, I see people out, all sorts of people living their stories in this world. It just dawned upon me today while having dinner with my friend.

What if I could be a friend to each and every person in the world out there? Maybe that’s a bit too much. What if I knew every person and their story? What would I do knowing it? I figure it might be a bit too tedious for my brain to handle.

If I hadn’t met her at uni, what would happen, of the memories, of the bond, of it all? Then I got thinking to the other people in my life. It’s an intense and disturbing thought that often troubles me when I have it. Many thoughts that I have are intense and distrbuing but some of the thoughts people find disturbing, I find it to be exciting.

What would have happened if I wouldn’t have met my friends? Would I meet the people who I would like? Would I be truly alright?  Would I have shared the same sort of connection? It has to be fate and destiny right? Or is it us just moving on and going with the flow?

What if I lived another life in another country with a different background and setting? Maybe I would just meet other people, make best friends there, probably change and learn something about myself.

While eating, we talked. We talked about life and the struggles. We all have them, don’t they? Everyone has their own struggles and problems, some worse than the rest of the world. But it doesn’t mean that what we have is also not worse. It’s worse in our own way.

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Why do some people struggle more in their life than others? Some people might have it all, and still, they seem to lack something or the other. Also, I often see that why does bad stuff happen to good people often?

What is this way of life? I see that some people despite being so kind and so generous, they tend to have the worst of the earth’s hits on them and the bad often gets away with it at times, or many of the times.

So when do they pay for this? At the time of death or after death?

I see it in my own life. We all get consequences for the actions we commit and do, and it pains me to see them happen in my own family. Some people do deserve it but seeing them struggle through it hurts me.

 

A random thought

I just finished watching Blackmirror- Bandersnatch that my best friend recommended and holy mother forking shirt balls, it is one of the brilliantly made movies I have watched in a long time, you get to choose your own choices and your own end to the film. I tried out all the possible ends, but I do have two left which I can’t wait to discover. I just feel that whatever end I choose, it’s grim. I have tried to discover a happy ending but it simply doesn’t exisit, and if it does exisit in the show, that’s simply not the end. It’s a false lie to make you feel better for yourself and the character. That’s all what it truly is.

I do not wish to spoil it for the people but have your minds ready to be forking amazed and baffled and tricked by.

I have always loved Black Mirror because it makes you think and ponder about everything in life and about the things you have never doubted but will start to when you watch this show. It’s a very interesting and unique take on the world, it’s technology. This show makes you think and question so much. Some of the episodes are merely frightening because you know there are the chances of it happening. Every episode in black mirror is different, so you have the option of watching any episode from any season because it’s not connected.

Watching Black Mirror does make you question everything of our existence and what the future holds for us.

It’s a brilliant show that deserves all the hype. 

 

I have many thoughts on different things, feelings, objects, the world, people, concepts and so much more that I just cannot hold onto. Every thought that I have connects to an other, and it just keeps going on and linking and latching onto every possibility it gets. I do not know how I do it, don’t we all?

We find our minds skipping to one thing and then to another. It’s a game of hopscotch, I tell you. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

Capturing it, Breathing it, Living it…

Everyone has those ways to keep hold of something that is close to their heart, a way to remember those moments, a way to go through it all over again. I love how it works. It’s unique to everyone.

Remembering every aspect and detail of those time, memory and moment evoke a different sense of emotion and remembrance.

I have my own ways of playing it back over and over. Sometimes, the details can get a bit hazy, but the memory, time, people, the emotions and the moment always remains the same.

I do it through writing, taking pictures and videos, music, movies and mostly by remembering it all and being in the moment.

 

– Sometimes, there won’t be times where one can quickly whip out a phone and capture the entire moment because sometimes it ruins it. Then also capturing it also helps with making it a memory for eternity.

 

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You don’t get to be in the moment and enjoy it wholly.  All you can do is pay attention to your phone, see it through that and well that frankly upsets me. I like seeing it alive and also record some bits of it. I get the best of both worlds. I want to cherish this moment forever but also see it forever.

Even if I don’t capture it, I will always remember it. But I would be guilty to admit that I wish I had some physical source of watching it again but I would not regret it.

Sometimes, taking videos and pictures is also one of the best ways. Being in the moment, capturing it, reliving it while playing it in the times ahead. Seeing how joyful it was back then.

There are pictures that I take by my friends because I want to remember it or just because I dress up once a rare while, the background looks good. So why not?

There are some moments meant to be captured, some to be enjoyed, some to be meant for both.

 

– Music and movies

 

 

Certain music reminds me of home, my friends, my family, the streets that I have walked through, the memories I have shared with that person who I listened to this music with, or danced to in parties.  The vibes and feelings I wish to have again and live through. It has no bounds.

The playlists I have curated from each memory and story are the ones that I absolutely live for. It’s something of my own, so personal, where each song tells the memories and the emotions. It absolutely is of utter sheer magic because it feels so warm and good to have something of your own in which you can record your moments of life.

Movies, I still remember how different movies I have watched with different people evoke various stories and emotions. Each story had a good memory of its own. The laughter, the tears, the discussions, the fangirling. It was a memory to die for.

In a way through that music and movies, they helped me capture some of the best memories to ever exist.

They make you feel so much more. It’s one of the most intense after effects you experience after reliving it. It all comes down at once and drowning in it is the best. 

Watching the movies and listening to the songs are another experience of its own, combined with it, the memories and the moments you have lived through them. It’s altogether a new found discovery and bliss. 

 

– Writing

 

 

The process that I always find myself falling in love with the most. It helps capture and recapture the feelings in your heart, body, and mind with words. I always find myself good with words. When I can’t get my thoughts straight, I write because it helps me sort out, think and ponder.

It gives me a new found courage and bravery to confront with myself, thoughts and address it. These words help hide my fear but also show it to me.

So when it comes to capturing and reliving it, writing down how I felt, the moment, the people and the world. I learn and understand how I felt through these stories. Writing helps me capture the feelings I experience whilst being in the story. Remembering them from my memories and writing it adds a different feel to it. When I compare what I wrote back then and now, I discover and learn how much has changed. I learn a lot about myself.

When I look back and read through it, the words help me get a deeper aspect.

 

I love to revisit some of the memories and stories I have lived through. They make me calm and happy. I do wish many times that I could go back to them but then I look forward to more good memories and have fun reliving and remembering the stories I had.

There are those nights where my mind keeps me awake and many of the times, it always goes through the routine of remembering many of the things that have played out in my life. 

Sometimes, I also revisit some of the bad moments gone through life to remind myself that bad times eventually do fade away, but they leave a mark. They either charge you for the good or for the bad.

Sometimes, I also remember the embarrassing ones, I do not know why I do, I just simply do.

So that’s it, folks

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

A week of philosophies, Day 4

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about various aspects and views of life.

7 days to learn new, different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

 

Day 4, September 14th 2018

Today’s philosophy: Existentialism

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What is Existentialism?

Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself.

Jean-Paul Sartre

Existentialism in the broader sense is a 20th century philosophy that is centered upon the analysis of existence and of the way humans find themselves existing in the world. The notion is that humans exist first and then each individual spends a lifetime changing their essence or nature.

In simpler terms, existentialism is a philosophy concerned with finding self and the meaning of life through free will, choice, and personal responsibility. The belief is that people are searching to find out who and what they are throughout life as they make choices based on their experiences, beliefs, and outlook. And personal choices become unique without the necessity of an objective form of truth.

An existentialist believes that a person should be forced to choose and be responsible without the help of laws, ethnic rules, or traditions.

Why was I inspired to take this philosophy today?

“Life has no meaning a priori… It is up to you to give it a meaning, and value is nothing but the meaning that you choose.”

Jean-Paul Sartre

The idea is very intirguing indeed, and I know this is what all of us, the world follows. We all are own unique individuals with different beliefs. This has always inspired me to always stay real and true to myself and the world.

We can decide who we are, we don’t need the world to write down what we need to be and do.

But at very rare times, I do get stuck and question myself and my purpose. Why? This  is called an existential crisis. I might not be facing a full blown existential crisis, but it’s always good to know what I am facing and how I could get over it.

An “Existential Crisis” is when and individual person starts to question their entire existence and questioning if being alive even has a point or if it’s all pointless. So when one finds themselves in that crisis, what do we do to resolve it? How do we get out of it?

How does one get out of an existential crisis?

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Even if I haven’t had a full blown existential crisis, it’s always good to know how to get out of one. So I researched ways and found some of the ways that could help me and you get out of it.

I coudn’t sum it all up just in a few lines, so I would be attaching a few links that will help.

  1. https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-an-Existential-Crisis
  2. https://peopledevelopmentmagazine.com/2016/10/02/existential-crisis/
  3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/how-be-grown/201401/how-work-through-existential-crisis
  4. http://www.artofwellbeing.com/2018/07/20/funk/

 

Today’s quote to end the day

“There is something infantile in the presumption that somebody else has a responsibility to give your life meaning and point… The truly adult view, by contrast, is that our life is as meaningful, as full and as wonderful as we choose to make it.”
Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion