Changes

This phrase, everything happens for the best and Change is good. I do not know what to make of it.

What is the protocol here? What is expected of me?

Changes simply kept happening everywhere and I slowly felt myself loosing my grasp on the world I lived in.

 

Incident that took place at August 2018

There was this small yogurt place down in box park, Jumeirah. The last time I had been there was with my family and grandparents. It was a beautiful time indeed.

I wished to go back there again because of box park and that small place amidst the fancy shops, big ship containers designs beautifully and when the night sets in,  beautiful lights surround and create the most magical and beautiful vibe.

My cousins had come to Dubai and we took them around La Mer and box park. It was Dubai’s highlight. Everything about this place had a certain aura and magic to it. Growing up around these streets and witnessing the changes around was one of a kind experience.

So coming back to the yogurt place, to mark the end of my day with my cousins, I wished to go there and have a frozen yogurt, It was always a tradition, whenever we would go there, we would always have that frozen yogurt. Big enough for a family because we weren’t that much of a sweet tooth when it came to things like these but for other desserts, yes.

So, in the hopes and excitement of getting a yogurt, I was filled with emotions and when we reached there, we were unable to find it. I still did not lose hope but it all came crashing down when the security guard over there told us that that place closed down months ago.

At that very moment, my heart dropped into the deepest pit of my body, then it broke into small pieces and was scattered all over into the depths of that pit. It felt as if going into a black void and with no way out to see the surface ever again.

That change, why was that change for the best or for the good? That change was bad. Businesses shutting down, people losing jobs, this country was becoming so costly to live in. The old Dubai essence whizzed away. This was not the Dubai I once grew up in. Certain parts of it still remain the same, but still. Why did that change happen? What good was it?

 

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My home, changed so much and I love it to the best. Leaving it is always was the hard part. When I had to leave my home for uni, that change. It was nice at first but then it took for a worse turn when I got homesick and cried every day. How was that change good or for the best? Probably it was for the best because I was getting a good education and making my life ready.

But what good were the changes at my home? They weren’t great, no one was happy.

 

“People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they’re really saying is that something you didn’t want to happen at all… has happened.”

-A quote from the movie you’ve got mail. 

A quote so true.

 

Right now

Change is the only thing that seems to be one of the constants in my life right now. Starting with family, the most fundamental root, I wish I could say everything is for the best and continue to keep the positive facade, but some times it’s not and it worries me sick about the present and the future.

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I worry about changes a lot. I look forward to the good changes in life, don’t we all?

I still can’t place my feelings on how I feel about change. For the worst or for the best? Is change life’s way of spicing up our’s and it’s lives. Is change a living entitiy that is in all our lives and can only thrive like this in every movement of time?

I also find myself changing a bit, it might be a silly or an insigficant change, but it does matter to me. When it comes to us, every single detail matters. It’s like a spider web, you mess with one string, the whole foundation just falls apart.

I had this habit, whenever I missed my mother, I used to play old malaylam songs because it reminded me of her and when she used to sign and hum to the tunes. It was embedded in me since I was a child. And intially when I came to uni, crying my heart out to it was what I did. I always knew what I was getting myself into when the songs came, long hours of crying and pain.

But now, as I play these songs, I do feel myself drown in the sorrow and pain of my mom not being there with me. The pain of being miles apart resurfaces but I once have not cried to it ever since I got back from my vacations. All of you might find this as a small change, but like I said, even the tiniest of change is a huge deal

I also find people changing, for some profounding reason for the good but then there are the basket cases where I have lost hope in.

So far, it has all been good. I am meeting new and amazing people.

As time gets ticking, my future keeps changing as well, every day has it’s own changes. I am anxious but also excited to see what the future has in store for me.

I am happy with some of the changes so far, exciting changes and moments have been happening for one of my best friend and I couldn’t be more happier and proud of her because she has worked so hard and she desreves it. I am happy with some of the changes that have also been happening to me. Through bad times I have learnt in some good lessons and changes.

And just a few minutes back, I have been blessed with the most amazing news for my family. I am not saying anything out loud because I do not want to jinx or anyone to jinx it because there are some people in the world who really would go to all lengths on destroying one’s family and peace of mind.

 

It’s time to end, and here is how I think I am doing

So, I am getting around just fine despite the storm… 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

The continuation of a new chapter

30th September 2018

The feelings of a teenage adult kid who began her year 2 at uni…

Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning to the continuation in my journey. A journey that began long ago but is going by in a flash. A journey that I thought would go slow but took upon the pace and moved so fast that I forgot how I lived through that one year.

It felt like a long time ago.

Tomorrow starts a brand new year, my second year towards my degree. The year where ” my marks” begin to count. The one good final year before the next year.

Forget about the new year, new me, new resolutions. This is the time to start acting upon it. Why wait for a few months, for that new year. Just start doing it. That’s what I am doing because life doesn’t wait that long for you to act upon it. So we better start owning up as soon as we can because it’s for the better and in the long run, it’s worth it.

I don’t know what to feel for this new year, I am overwhelmed, anxious and excited. I am starting to focus on doing more things for myself and also for the future because sometimes it’s too late to realise that all the time you could have done doing something, you did nothing and sometimes well it’s never too late to start something new.

I am somewhere in between that state of mind, though I am trying as hard as I can to lean towards the first situation, doing things at the right time and not wasting as much time I did before.

Things are starting to get real. I always knew that, but in the first year, it was a trial and error year for me. I tried, I learnt, and well that was it. Now things are getting very real and a bit serious. Not a bit, very serious. I need to start giving that extra dose of reality to myself.

I have always admired and always liked to inhabit some characteristics of Riley. She was happy, positive and thought of the world as a good place and also the people in it.  She refused to see the bad, I believe. She didn’t exactly ignore it, but well she was different in the way she thought, and I found that to be a bit not me and realistic. She also had her upsetting and dark moments, don’t we all?

I wanted to be like that but then what good would do that to me? Why build that shield that would let you refuse the bad in the world? What good would it really do? We need to know and learn that bad exists in this world. How else would we prepare for that? How else can we survive in this world? Why hide that part of reality and life? We need to understand and learn that there are bad and good people. We can’t expect the people to play the role and character that we envisioned in our mind for them.

I believe in horoscopes and astrology a lot. At the time of my birth, an astrologer had written some predictions, visions based on my stars and time I was born. So far everything had come true in that. Good and bad. It says that in my future, I would be successful in my field of profession and passion, and I do hope that comes true. But I know it won’t happen in a stroke of luck, it takes time and hard work to make that happen.

We can’t expect the world to hand us what we want. We need to work hard for it. There are chances and possibilites out there for us to grab and hold on to, we need to sure we make use of it and not let it float by like an aimless balloon in the deep blue wide sky. There is no easy way out. I have a goal and a vision in my mind, and I want to see it happen. My fate may be destined, but how would it work without me taking any action?

That’s what I am doing now in my year 2. Doing as much as possible for my vision and goal.

I have seen my past, and it’s struggles. It taught me a lot, and I learned. I am not saying that my future won’t have its struggles. It will, but I won’t make the same mistake as what the people in my past did.

I won’t stress myself too much over it. I have the right amount of stress to help me because stress always helps me do better and to work hard. I have my own equation to doing life, and I am not a fan of anyone messing it up. When change is necessary and essential to that equation, I will do it. I wouldn’t want to force things to happen, but sometimes I do, and that’s when I learn more on life and discover what I like and don’t like.

Many things are changing. In a matter of time, I will be done with university, and it won’t be long before I am an adult with my own life and responsibilities.

I want to thank you life and everyone in it, I have learnt a lot, especially from that of mistakes of myself, family and friends. I am learning how to do with it all.

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The past, present and the ability to create the future are all in us. In ourselves contain the ability to change, crave and make that path. 

So that’s what I am doing now. Reading, Studying, Learning, Changing and Trying.