Sad

16th November 2019

I try to wake up out of the bed, but I can’t.

My mind does not work today and it has just taken on the role of making me feel miserable about every aspect of myself.

I am sad and I just want to be in my bed all day.

I want to move on from being sad but I do not want to.

I also want to be sad and just not want to relish in any other emotion today.

My heart wants to go out, do things that will make me feel anything but my body and face phsycially can’t move any of its muscles. It just stays there paralysed.

I am hungry but I do not want to eat. I watch the hours go by and decide when I want to eat, but I don’t.

I get myself out of bed because my bed no longer feels comfortable. I try my best to not prolonge this sadness, so I clean my room and attemp to clean myself in hopes that a change would improve my mood but it doesn’t.

I do not want to do anything.

My heart tells me to go and seek for companions, my heart tells me to go and seek for anything but this. My heart tugs on my strings tighly causing my chest to pain but I just sit here and do nothing. I take a deep breath and continue to do nothing.

I hope this passes away because I do not like feeling this way but for now, I do not mind this. Why do I want to feel this way now? I do not know. Perhaps there would be a lesson for me to learn.

This sadness, is this real? I do not know. I can’t figure out what mood I am in right now. I do not want to talk to people but I just wish someone would ask me “how are you?” or any question related and I could just answer “fine”. Just asking this question is enough for me. It would make me feel nice because I know someone atleast bothers to care about me.

Just for one day, I would like someone to focus on me and listen to everything I want to try and say. Just this one day, I would like to not go after you and instead would prefer you after or for me.

Am I choosing to feel this way so that my artistic drive has something to write about or am I geuninely sad? I do not know anymore. I am conflicted and I need help.

17th & 18th early morning, November 2019

Days are going by. I am still sad but not wholely. I am keeping myself occupied with things that matter most to me but I still am sad. I try so much to move on from what keeps me sad but I can’t.

My heart starts to physically ache, my chest at times starts to close in on me and I can’t breathe. I breathe in and out and I some how manage to get myself back on track.

My insecurities start to pile up one after the other reminding me of horrible facts and outcomes. I feel worthless and my constant fear of no one ever loving me comes to haunt me and makes me sad. My constant fear of being a failure comes to haunt me and makes me sad.

Everything that I think about makes me sad. Everyone around me makes me feel insecure.

I know why I am upset. I know why I am like this right now. I feel terrible that I let this reason affect me so much. I hate myself for it but there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to go through and deal with this hoping time would make it better and easy.

I look at the hours and wait to go to sleep but I do not want to. I can feel my eyes wanting to shut down but I try to be awake for just a few more hours so that I can sleep after exhausting myself of all thoughts.

Whenever I feel like I have made progress, I am just becoming worse. Perhaps being worse and then feeling better is what I need right now.

I scream inside to “please stop this” but no avail.

18th November Mid day, 2019

A new day yet the same old sadness.

I think I am getting better and slowly forgetting why I am sad. Who am I kidding? I guess I should fake it till I reach it.

I just hope it gets better.

For now, time does not seem to be working in my favour.

I shift back and forth between faces I show to my friends and family and then to myself. It has become tiring.

I do not know how to talk about this or who to talk to. I just am not good with this. Even if asked, I know I will not provide the full truth. So I guess, I should just keep this to myself and do my process of making it go away.

I want to cry because I know once I start crying with my heart and eyes, this sadness will start to leave bit by bit but the problem is I can’t bring myself to cry. I do not know how to cry or what to cry about. I do not know what trigger to use.

I know it will get better but when?

I am tired of waiting to feel better.

I am sad. I want to feel better now.

Afraid, Scared and beyond

We all have things that we are afraid and scared of. Synonyms of the same feeling but all carrying a minute difference.

Upon further research, I present to you the difference between these words.

‘Scared’ is an adjective used to indicate fear or anxiety. A scared person is nervous or frightened about something.

‘Afraid’ is used as an adjective too, and it literally means ‘filled with fear’.  So we might imagine a person so full of the feeling of fear that they cannot think about anything else.

To indicate a higher level of fear, the words ‘frightened’ or ‘terrified’ can be used.  While these are synonyms of ‘scared’ and ‘afraid’ they can be used to indicate a more sudden or reactive fear. “

This brings me to my next question. Can one experience all at the same time? I guess so because I know that I am juggling with all these adjectives at the same time.

Look at me go while I use all these synonyms

Scenario 1

I am scared about my future plans

I am afraid about putting my future plans into action and being afarid when things go awry. I am bold to step into the light but I am equally afraid and insecure about what I can do which brings me down.

I am terrified that I will not be able to achieve any of my dreams and goals.

I am frightened and terrified thinking of the possibility of where my life is going and when failed or if nothing goes according to plan, what do I do?

Scenario 2

I am scared thinking of the possibility of living a life after my family leaves me.

I am afraid of this thought duanting every aspect of my life. I am afraid of this truth.

I am terrified to ever live in this truth. I am terrfied of what will be of me after this horror.

I am frightened to live in a world without my family because I would be loosing my pillar of everything.

Scenario 3

I am scared of confronting or talking about my feelings to the others because of the inconvience I would put them in.

I am afraid when confronted. I am afraid to think of the ‘what if’ situations.

I am terrfied and hate myself because of the damage I do to myself and everyone around me.

I am frightened to let go of the people I love the most because of my inadequate behaviour to not be upfront or by hiding everything I feel.

Scenario 4

I am scared of loosing my friends.

I am afraid my friends or people who I wish to be friends with would not understand me or would leave me as soon as they discover something bad about me.

I am terrified and always think of reasons as to why my friends would leave me someday. The reason would always be me doing something. It could be the only rational explanation. It always is me.

I am frightened that this quality in me would render me alone for a very long time.

Scenario 5

I am scared of loosing my sense and style of writing

I am afraid of them being stripped away from me. I am afarid of loosing my touch with them.

I am terrfied of the thought of loosing them because when or if I do, who am I? What am I? What makes me different from everyone else? How else would I tell my stories and pour out my heart?

I am frightened that I will no longer be heard or seen. Once I am stripped away from my words, I fear that I won’t have an identity that makes me original.

I am frightened and terrified to loose my words because my words tell a lot about who I am. I am scared of loosing my uniqueness to a world filled with more mystery and uniquess.

I try very hard to not let the synonyms of terror haunt me but there are just some of those days that the strongest house you have built for yourself will fall apart.

The thing about a house is that you can also build it back up, stronger and sturdier. I should just make sure to not be crushed under the debris permanently.

Being Cozy

I woke up to a good day! The skies were clear but now it’s a bit dark out. It’s moody, grey and comfortable; my cup of chai!

Started of the day talking to my mom, dad and grandparents. I had fun! They told me I glowed which made me happy. It was just one of those days where I woke up warm. I laughed along with them in certain memories, was embarssed to hear and be part of some memories but I enjoyed it!

There were moments of sadness in the conversation but today, I chose not to relish in any of that for a change.

I chose not to brood over current challenges and just be cozy today. I decided to read a book, watch a show, listen to some music and go out exploring with my best friend for food!

In many ways, it was turning out to be a “cozy” Saturday I wanted in a long time.

I then started to wonder how wonderful all our minds were, the reason being I remembered a very insiginfcant detail of my dream and I was just curious and amazed by how our minds remember those tiny moments or objects we just saw and then project them into our dreams.

Our mind is a labyrinth streaming many different things, each opening up to a new sense of wholeness or emptiness. A weird labyrinth designed and made for every one of us.

Each thought that I was creating and living it now was aligning up and I couldn’t be more at peace and calm. One thought leading to an other creating a sort of a perfect order in my mind. My system was finally understanding what it means to have your mind in order and learning that a small break from life can achieve wonders to your work.

Later after watching a few episodes, I had then gone to take a shower and came out fresh as the Kerala monsoons. I then opened the blinds and my heart was pleased and in love with the darkness outside my window. The golden lights from the houses illuminated and I saw everything. The green, the hills, the city. I saw it all and I was happy.

I was also happy and excited on the thought of going home. The thought of going back to be with my mom and dad kept me going. Many of the days, it was the sole reason that kept me going through.

I did not worry or overthink over simple things/matters close to the heart today. I treated my mind and heart to a shower which kept its promise in making their troubles go away.

For the first time in god knows how long, I experienced peace and warmth not by escaping into a world of mine but rather into this world I live in.

I want to have more days like these and I also want to know how I can stop doubting myself and be more confident in what I can do.

Today, I believe that I will be fine. I want to keep having that belief now and forever.

Dancing At Two Am

As I was preparing to go to sleep, I decided to suddenly play some Hindi songs and let us say, I did not sleep for a very long time

I danced, pranced around my room imagining scenarios where I would get to perform these songs, weddings, parties and what not!

It was an amazing dance party! A party where my truest colours were lit around the entire room! I decided to let my best friend in on the secret and I sent her two videos of me just dancing and being my best!

After dancing to the fun songs, the romantic in me took over. Hindi romantic/sad songs for some reason have a strong grasp over my heart, the words, the rhtyhm, it makes sense. It makes you want to be in love and be in mutiple heart breaks just so you can imagine what it is like to go through those feelings in the song.

When I was a child, I asked my mom what these songs meant and she said they didn’t mean anything. They were just a bunch of words put randomly to create something for us to sing along. I trusted her blindly without question.

As I started to grow, I started to search for the answers to the questions myself. As I started to grow up, develop feelings and also understand the language more; I started to finally understand what everything meant.

What each moment of the song was trying to say and how I can possibly relate to it now or sometime in the future.

As I go back to listen to these songs, new feelings that were once not there are present as I listen to these old songs I once loved.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love and I beg to relate to it truly for at least once. With these songs, I am starting to understand and my heart wants more. The pain hits harder than ever before.

I guess that is what happens when you start to grow up and understand. You understand how complex and deep everything is rooted and once the wave hits, you sink in deeper.

The songs and movies that didn’t make sense suddenly make a whole lot of sense. Things I didn’t find once touching or meaningless now mean the whole world to me and are the most beautiful.

Why does everything mean different when you grow up and listen to it again? The meaning you thought back then was not what you think now.

When you close your eyes, concentre on nothing else but just the words and rhythm, you can slowly start to feel your heart clench, in pain or joy. I don’t know but what I feel now is pure truth and pain.

When my mother said that statement to me, did she really believe it and if she did, how did she even like the songs she liked back then if she believed they had no meaning. I bet she doesn’t remember that she told me this, but I remember every syllable as clear as day.

When those songs she liked played, why did she react if she believed they had no meaning? I guess she said that to stop the curious and annoying questions that I would ask her further.

Why am I doing this right now?

When small, many things don’t make sense and some do

When you start growing up, many things start to make sense and some still don’t do.

If any of you are interested, I will link down the songs I love to listen to that make me feel the most



Love letters to myself

I was thinking about the good things I like about myself and I could barely come up with Ten things I like but when I started going down the bunny hole of all the bad things about myself, that list outweighed everything.

Is it just me or is that all of us? Do our negatives outweigh the positive?

Do we ever look on the positive? Do we only have that limited qualities we love about ourself? Why?

We should have more than a Hundred reasons as to why we love ourselves. Perhaps, we should see ourself in the eyes of people who love us. I guess we will know our worth but why do we need someone to see what we love about ourself. We should know our self worth and why we love ourselves.

It is just that there are different perceptions of beauty and what it means to be beautiful and it is all very confusing.

Some of the people stick to the traidional norm of beauty which I find silly. Beauty comes in all shapes and form and if you want to change something about yourself, you should do it to make you happy not just because someone is pressuring you to change.

Be you and be proud of it! Own it!

This is going to be a series where every month, I write something I love about myself. This is not boasting but self love that we all need to do every day and not just once a month.

I want to focus on the physical beauty as well as the inner shine in me! I am going to alternate between physical and inside beauty.

Eventually I will be running out of body parts to list, so I will have to stick to other aspects I like about myself. It is going to be quite a challenge to write out what I like about myself. It seems like a passage of self discovery.

Sometimes all it takes for us to come crashing down is one moment of self doubt, comment or anything and we forget everything that is good about us. So, when I feel low or insecure, I can go back to these letters and remind myself why I should love me!

I want all of you to do this as well! Love yourself every day!

When it comes to physical beauty, I blank out. I literally do not know what I find beautiful about me. My mom says I am beautiful but she is my mom. That is her job. She loves me, so she says it and so does my dad and my grandparents. I just do not see it.

Today, I am going to try and figure out one physical aspect I love about myself.

This is hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.

Dear Roshni,

This is Roshni writing to Roshni!

The first thing that came to my mind is that I love our eyebrows. They are thick and just suit our face!

It makes me feel confident, beautiful and cute! My mom says I got her sister’s eyebrows and I am glad! She was a very beautiful person inside and out. God bless her soul!

My eyebrows help me express a lot of emotions. I can be sarcastic, mean, confused, bubbly. You name it and I can try and do it.

My eyebrows make me feel amazing! When I go and get my eyebrows done, it makes me feel so confident that I can take on the whole world.

It feels weird not writing a very long passage as to why I love my eyebrows. Usually, I find myself ranting on and on but this feels short and precise. I think sometimes that is just it.

It feels right ending it now.

How long?

I go to sleep with tears rolling down my face making its way to seep into the pillows

I have drenched myself into a beautiful melancholy of sad music. As each tone begins to play, I start to associate different moments of sadness to it.

I want to go back home  A home filled with memories and moments I lived happily in  I want to run through fields of time and spend each moment getting lost in those fields. 

My heart throbs and pounds  It races and runs out of breath  My mind races to help but it too gets stuck in its own quick sands I do not struggle with getting out, so I just accept my choice to sink. 

The thing with getting out using force is that you never free of yourself from what you feel You are abrupt with the escape  You are not closured You leave it and move on…

When it comes back later, it comes with a powerful wave and knocks you down again but  this time, it promises to be stay there for longer and will make you feel everything you once forgot to allow yourself to feel.

I am so confused  I want to cry endlessly  Every moment that once scared me is coming back to haunt me Every moment where I spent nights crying inside my mind is coming back to suck the tears out of me.

The grudges that I carry inside me, I do not anymore I am not proud of those grudges  I want to feel liberated but how can I when people think so wrong of me? I want you to be happy, person. When I speak of you, visible moments of hate present themselves but my grudge does not continue to lament.

All I know is that I have a feeling growing inside me, a feeling to be loved I want to engage in acts of love without having to think about next day’s and regrets I want someone to be beside and hug me, placing sweet and sensual kisses on the side of my neck while telling me everything is okay.  I want to drift into the unknown with him.  Why would anyone ever love me and for what? For just one long second, I want to act without having to think about consequences.

I want to cry  I want to cry and pour my heart out I am doing everything I can to make this happen but nothing seems to work. Instead, I have this anxiousness building up and I have no cracks for my tears to come through 

How long will I have to cover up the deep gnashes cutting me so that others won’t judge us all?  Why hide the truth when everyone knows it but it can’t be brought to light because the world would look down on us?  How longer would I have to care? Why care about the world at all when it is our lives being lived? Give me an answer and I will remain silent  I do not want to be a pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good.

It is not easy growing up because more feelings come into play and sometimes there is no way to comfort them  My imagination cannot always fix it for me  That very imagination wrecks my soul.

Feelings create poetry  Sadness creates beauty 

How long can I convince myself to deny the  thing that fixes a part of my life because of the consequences that come with it?  I seem to be loosing at everything I care about. 

As I get ready to sleep onto my pillow The stars in my sky fall down leaving a canvas of black  My sadness says goodbye letting me rest for tonight promising to invite itself back again for an other time

Until then. 

My parents teach me…

Thank you mom and dad for teaching me the real and unfiltered version of parenthood, a marriage and a relationship.

Many of us learn differerent things from our parents and I have decided to take it upon myself to learn everything I can, the do’s and the don’ts. You learn a lot from your parents, they have experienced this parental and marital life and now you are the next in line if you want to be.

You learn from their mistakes, that’s how I have learnt majority of the advice I have written down. My parents are flawed people but good. Some flaws outweigh more than the good things they have done. That doesn’t deviate from the fact that they are still good.

So here is a compilation of some of the things I have learnt from them. This piece will all be about the parental tips I have learnt.

Parental Tips

  1. Try not to be condescending towards your kids. Trust them when they tell you they know what they are doing but that doesn’t mean you stop helping them or you stop monitoring them. See what they are doing and offer help but do not bug them on every step. If they fail, avoid the ” I told you so” and offer a comforting talk instead.

2. When you fight with your partner, try to not put your children in the position of choosing sides. It is an incredibly difficult, painful and an anxiety invoking situation for them. I know that feeling because I have been put in it countless moments of my life. The parent who I side with is happy but the other feels betrayed. Children, if you also have to choose, choose the right moral side.

3. Trust your children and give them space. Be their parents and also their friends. Sometimes, even if they think they don’t need that advice, give it to them.

4. Never attribute the worst traits of your partner to your children. The most hurtful lines that can ever be said are “you are just like your father/mother” when said in a negative spotlight. Trust me, I know that gut wrenching feeling. You are doing everything you can to support them and make them happy and one slip up from your part and they say that one line, it wrecks you.

5. Have the uncomfortable talks with your children. My parents to date have not given me the “sex talk”. If I would have got the “period talk” back then, it would have been pretty useful and I could have avoided the mini freak out I had back then.

6. Be accepting, warm and loving of their choices. Do not become that parent where your kids are terrified of you and have the need to lie to you for every single thing.

For a while, I have had that type parents and I still do. I have lied a lot because I was scared but then things changed with them, they became more open, supportive and started understanding my struggles, that helped me a lot.

7. Try not to have the big fights with your partner in front of your kids. It creates a damaging family environment for them. Kids do like peace in their families.

8. Be parents only if you are ready to be parents. It is a lot of work. When your kids grow up, do not ever be in that position where you feel you have sacrificed your identity and life for them. Do not guilt them for your mistakes. Do not make your kids feel the burden. They came into this world because of your choice.

9. Parents fuck up kids. That is one things parents should really acknowledge. You cannot raise the perfect kid, so stop. Let them be, guide them, be with them but let them have their own path.

10. Do not over burden your kids. Do not pressure them into being A-star students at school. Help them, monitor them but do not give them a life time scolding just because they got a B.

11. Teach them manners, what is right and wrong, teach them more about the world. Teach them what you wish you would have been taught by your parents.

12. I would like to have family movie nights with my kids. Make a tradition, any tradition that you and your kids would enjoy!

13. Do not be the over protecting parents monitoring your kid’s every move. Give them independence at the age you think they need. Teach them responsibilities they will need to do later on in life.

14. Children have needs and wants and it is your responsibility to fulfil them. Don’t say the line, “I am doing this for you and that.” It is what you are expected to do, it is your responsibility. Unless they are asking for irrational ones, think about it and do what feels right.

15. Have an open communication. Make sure you know what is happening in their lives at any age. Ask them, be there for them.

16. Treat them like children when they are at that age and treat them like adults when they are at that age. Do not have a double standard opinion.

There is no manual on how to raise your kids right. You figure it out and you hope that you are doing it right. Even though, I have gathered few tips doesn’t mean I have it mastered for the future. I know I will be making mistakes but I hope I can learn from them. I just hope I do it right.