Unfinished Beauty

You know what people don’t talk enough about. Unfinished beauty. There is a beauty when certain works are unfinished. You can’t help but wonder how would you finish the rest?

You are left with the power to create the end. It is your mind that has the power to complete the rest. You are allowed to perceive what you want. You create what ever you desire. The power to complete one’s work lies in your hands now. If you do not desire to see it finished, you can also let it be. That is the beauty. It carries infinite possibilites.

However it also leaves you in questions. How would the creator himself complete it? Is there something missing? What if I had finished watching this whole beauty rather than leaving it incomplete? How would the others make of it? What if?

Having questions in one’s mind is good because it makes you want to search for the answers to them but when you don’t find what you seek, it drives you mad.

The thing with unfinished beauty is that it differs in perspective from one to an other. What may seem like unfinished beauty to you may not be for an other. Another thing with unfinished beauty is that very few things carry the grace to make it an unfinished beauty. You can’t force things to be that way. It is in the feeling, the work and the thought proccess.

I find unfinished beauty in certain movies, art, places and photographs. I do not find them in music because in music, I love to hear it complete. Music is one thing in my life I know that will always be complete and would not leave me hanging.

I had a chance to witness a finished beauty become unfinished. It was on the May 23rd, few minutes before hitting the stroke of the 24th midnight, my birthday. It was between those moments, between the past and of the future that was about to hit me when I became an audience to a finished work becoming unfinished.

I was watching the movie Speechless, a 1994 romantic comedy. Watching that movie was like watching every dream that I ever want come true. Every dream that I hope for a great romance. That movie just showed it all and I had never been more speechless by a movie. ( Pun Intended)

The movie had only started at 11 and an hour into the movie, I fell in love with it. I wanted to see how their story ended but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I had to go back to a life where I was turning 20. I had to go celebrate it with my family which I was great for but it made me miss this movie.

Some of you might say I can watch it again and find out how it becomes complete but I have scoured the whole Internet to find that movie and complete it, but sadly I could not find that movie no where. I also gave up on the search because I believe that I will find it when it wants to be found.

However I also believe that when the day comes I find someone I love, I will find that movie and watch the end with them. I guess in my own way, I have achieved a film worthy moment in my life. Completing an unfinished beauty with the man I love.

This is how I witnessed an unfinished beauty. I missed a chance to watch a love story that I dream of not have the ending. I left it incomplete. If I were to go back in time, I would sit and finish that movie but that would mean I would also miss out on the chance to not celebrate my adulthood at midnight with my family.

I guess, even if given the chance, I would probably still miss it because I don’t think I would want to miss a moment of my life to live in the fantasy of someone else other than mine.

Inspiration

So I have plunged into a creative rut recently and I am on the lookout for inspiration and ideas. I have quite a few ideas that I have and I know how I can work on it. I do have quite the thoughts that I can pour but that is not what this post is about.

This is about how I get the inspiration to write. Some times, I get inspiration from quite a lot of things that sometimes I deem not of value in my life. I get inspiration from almost everything now but I do not have the patience or the effort in me to write them down, for now.

I watched this movie “The lady in the van” and two of the lines in the movie got to me. One was a line said by the lady that he uses people to write and the second is that ” You don’t put yourself into what you write, You find yourself there.” That in many ways is true.

In the first case, I think that being in these situations out there and not being very well with confrontation, I write about it so that this becomes my peace of dealing with the situation. I find stories in every thing and being. Does this mean that I use people and situations to write what I want?

As for the second one, I do believe that I find myself in what I write. I don’t put myself in it. I happen to put a part of my soul and a truth of myself into every work I write. It just comes out naturally.

Lately I have been getting the inspiration and the passion to write from some movies that have a similar character in almost of them. I am inspired by the writers in the movies and their journey towards their creativity. I like watching it. I somehow can relate to it on a certain level.

If not the movies, I listen to some tunes that I crank up on my laptop. I listen to some indie, alternate music that keeps me going. They do have a tone that always inspires me to write. Their choice of words along with a beautiful symphony helps the mind to create some of the most inspring and artistic works.

If not music and movies, then I simply look out from the window to the world that lies before my eyes. I see everything happening in it which simply keeps me at the most somber state. It is as if I were looking at the night skies that were somber. Watching the world as it is gives me a drive to be my most artistic self. It gives me a chance to be creative and aesthetic. It makes me want to give out something beautiful to the world.

Along with all of the beauty in the world, madness bleeds behind it. To put it in better words, “Beauty behind the madness”. Thank you Abel for the words and the music!

I do not want to write a very lengthy post on where I find my inspiration from. I have written it down in the most simplest of terms that I am happy with. I do not find myself the need to go on and on about how each of these carry the power to inspire me. I believe that the mind is powerful to imagine the rest of the details.

I like 500 Days Of Summer :)

It is a rainy day outside. Living in a small condo sure has its perks. We have a balcony out with a wooden table and few chairs around. I like to sit around when it’s cool, enjoy the weather, hear the birds chirp and just look out and write.

There only exist some days where moments like these can be remembered and can be thought about again and it is through words of mine. Through these sentences, I can remember to pause and take a break and see what’s present.

The windows were left open to let in the heavy wind that came from the rain. It was around 10 am when the aroma of grated coconut filled the living room. It acted as a blissful background to the movie set I wanted to watch. The wind from the rain also gave me company while I watched 500 days of Summer.

I have always only known about the ending of 500 days of summer and I had only watched somewhat of it before. Today I sat down and watched the whole thing. It is beautiful.

The narrator tells us from the start that this is not a love story. We all know what we can expect now. We see the journey of love or so called love of Tom and Summer. We see how the expectations of love can sometimes lead us to chasing the wrong thing or being in awe of something that is not meant to be.

This movie is a perfect example to teach us that love is not perfect and sometimes doesn’t exisit like the way in movies. It shows how the ideas of this fantasy love does not exist and we should ackowledge it.

The movie is out of sequence. Tom’s story with Summer is shown in 500 days and the viewing of the story in these days are not in order. It is a nonlinear narrative.

I like that each date of their time together is presented in a title card showing which of the 500 days it is. It was interesting to see fragments of their relationship shown from different days of their relationship. One showing how the relationship was and one showing what had become of it.

The cinemaphotgraphy of the movie was simple yet had so much of meaning to it. It is the simple thing that carries the most impact.

What I loved most of the movie were the side by side comparions it often had. The side by side scenes showed Expectations/Reality, Tom/Summer and when asked about love, it showed what each character said but Tom wanted to answer but couldn’t. He didn’t know how.

The expectations show the brighter happier side of life. What we wish we wanted. The reality is much harsher, sometimes not giving us what our heart desires the most.

I also am in love with the cinematography of this movie, the ending of that scene above.

As he walks into the road and then stops with all hope lost, everything turns black and white, everything erases around him and then he fades away. That scene is just moving and very symbolic. I feel that it depicts what it feels like to loose something very important to you and then shows what it does to you. Everything in the world vanishes and there is nothing left to do but just stay in that.

These are the type of visuals I like to see. It is done so beautifully yet very heartbreaking to watch.

This movie executes the idea that time changes perspective flawlessly. Summer is a girl who does not belive in the idea of love, fate and coincidence but as time goes by and with the right person, she believes it all and as for Tom, he learns the untold version of Love that movies, music and stories kept away from him through his relationship with Summer.

Tom falls in with the idea of this superficial love. He projects these fantasies onto Summer and is dissapointed when she does not live up to it. He does not fall in love with her but rather falls in love with the feeling of love. He fails to understand and get to know her on a deeper level and he learns from that. I am happy to see him learn.

Summer does tell him from the start that she is not looking for a serious relationship but he fails to accept the reality which led to his downfall. I also do blame Summer a bit for leading him on even after the break up. They both were at fault and that is what this movie shows. It does not fail to show the uglier side of love.

Despite his failed relationship with Summer, the ending is what gives him and all of us hope. Even though love gives us pain and heartbreak there is always a second chance of having love. You learn from the past and understand.

Rachel, Tom’s little sister is such a great addition in the movie. Despite being so young, she is the one with the most brilliant advice for Tom and I learnt something good from her.

After his break up with Summer, he choses to mope in his sadness and can only think of ways to get back with her. Rachel tells him that he might have only been looking at the good aspects of the relationship and that is what keeps him going back to her. She tells him that next time when thinking about their time together, she tells him to look again. I like what this means.

Sometimes when friendships or love fails, we only think about the good times and it draws us back to them. Many a times we tend to not see the bad stuff. My take on this is that we should look at the whole perspective rather than being selective with our memories. What has happened has happened. There is no use in moping around it. You can move on, learn from the past, be glad it happened and be glad it got over if it only did bad to you.

Like Tom, I still believe in fate and destiny. Now days, not in the grand way like how the movies show but I do still keep my faith in it. Some where out there, I would like to believe there is love waiting for me.

Just when you think there is no such thing as coincidence and destiny, the ending proves you wrong. I suggest you watch the movie to find out. It’s a beautiful coincidence to show that faith and destiny do exist. It could be a bit unrealistic but still, my heart always liked to see the unimaginable happen.

You can still have a chance to have your second story. Just because one story ends doesn’t mean there is a new one not waiting for you.

Choosing these choices

So I have been playing this game “Life Is Strange.” It’s a choice based game where each and every choice that you choose would affect the past, present and the future of the story and that of the characters as well.

I am not avid gamer but with games like these, I love to take my time and explore. I had also played two choice based games prior to those and those are Batman The Enemy Within and Game Of Thrones Tell Tale series.

I remember when playing Game Of Thrones, I felt so much of fury and rage when I witnessed the consequences of some of the choices. I did everything good, wise and I felt it benefitted everyone but as Game Of Thrones has the reputation of being traumatic, I should have seen it coming, but going through it on my own hurts a bit more.

When you make these choices, you feel more responsible because if things go awry, it’s your fault and there is nothing you can do but face the wrath.

This made me think about my life and the choices I am presented with. One choice can lead up to a consequence or a good outcome. Could you imagine if our lives were as brutal as these games? Someone’s life depending on our choice. If it goes side ways, the final ultimum is almost like death or something worse.

Life Is Strange is the game that invoked some serious thinking. It’s a game where you have the ability to use time to your advantage to change the past, present and the future. That power does come with a consequence tho.

Imagine having that type of power and using it to your own will. The things I could do and if I were given two or more choices, how would I choose? It’s a very tough scenario, but imagaine if someone had to choose it for you and you could do nothing but go with it.

What if we could look into the future with choices we have made and then go back and change some of the choices if we do not like it?

What if we try different choices and see where it takes our life to, if we don’t like it, we can come back and change it.

What if there was a time limit to these choices we have to make, if we do not choose within 1 minute or less, it is chosen automatically and then we have to live with it.

Is that how the characters feel? Being forced to play a game they are not interested in. It’s like Bandersnatch, a Netflix interactive movie where you can choose options for the character and they have to live with it with force. The character can’t do anything but go with it unwillingly.

I cannot imagine living life like that but wondering on it, sometimes it would be easier if someone else decides what I can do, so I can just blame it on them if things go wrong rather than going through the process of pondering.

But what fun would life be if it were in the control in an other man’s hand? We couldn’t then enjoy the frivolities of life.

Dreams

I am a fool for dreams. I am utterly and completely obsessed and in love with dreams.

Dreams are like a comfortable dress, they are laces of wavy soft fabric stitched onto my mind. My dreams are like cloths of different colours layered one after the other making it very flowy and intricate.

They are like a hot air balloon that I hop on to so that I could see the magic of the land above.

I hold on to them and they let me fly into a world that is filled with fantasy.

Dreams are both a curse and boon, sometimes you can chase after these dreams hoping they might turn true eventually or you could just chase them and live in the fantasy and not accept the truth or you could just quit it all and move on to the next dream.

I have dreams, I like to dream. It’s like being in a movie when I am asleep, or going off to a different universe where time works differently altogether. It’s a nice concept.

There are new and familiar faces in my dreams and there are new, horrifying, creative, passionate and unique stories out there that are waiting to be played as soon I go to sleep.

However there are some dreams that often have the same theme going on and on over again. Why? I guess it’s your mind and heart telling your deepest desires and knowing myself, I guess my dreams are the only method to work those out without any complications and repercussion.

Sometimes I do talk and have these cries and screams in my dreams. These are the signs of my nightmares. In very few instances, I do remember my nightmares but many of the times I possibly cannot remember what caused my terrors during my sleep. I seem to wake up without any recollection of what happens. There are times when I am aware of the fact that I have cried and screamed but the others, I am not. I am only aware of it when someone comments about it which then catches me off guard because I can never remember what I dreamed about.

Then there are these dreams that only happen once but they seem too real and you start to question if these dreams are memories supressed down that are now resurfacing up. These type of dreams are the ones where I can’t distinguish whether it was reality or just a dream.

Then those dreams happen where everything is heartbreakingly beautiful and perfect. The story in these dreams are seducing and alluring. The details are perfect and you remember everything even after days and months. You couldn’t be more satisfied but you wish for a continuation because either you were woken up abruptly or you just want a continuation to this story, to see what lies more.

It is an agony being awake after dreaming of it. You would and will want to do anything to go back to them.

So one tries anything, and I mean anything. I have tried to recreate the same scenario by imagining every detail as it was with nothing changed. I imagine the ending in my mind and then try to convince my mind to somehow incooproate this into the continuation of my unfinished dream, but it has never once worked. I always land up with a different dream instead.

I have also come up with various ways on how it would end or how I could continue it without dreaming but none of it as good as dreaming it.

Those good dreams, I feel they are a privilege that has to be earned.

Don’t you ever wish there was a machine to capture all these dreams that you dream of and then you can watch them later like a movie or be able to dream of the continuation in your next sleep?

Why does one dream? Is it a way to indulge into fantasies that reality cannot deem to offer? Are our dreams the actual lives that we live, when we dream, we go to that world and we live our orignal life and the life that we lead when awake is sort of a stimulation run by someone else?

Or are dreams a sort of drug injected in us by aliens, by humans or by any other creature as sort of an experimentation or do they need us to be in heavy slumber and dream so that they do something to us or the world without our knowings?

An other theory of my dreams are that these unknown faces that I dream of, what if they are actual human beings and we all are somehow being put in the same dream by a force. I see my side of the story and they see thiers, what if we are meant to connect all the peices of the story and the dream to find something?

Why are our dreams being interrupted? Is it because we are capable or on the verge of finding something that is not meant to be found?

How do we know that these lives that we lead now are also dreams? I have a theory that this life what I lead, these people I know, these expereinces I am going through are something that has happened in the past or a sort of stimualtion. When in reality, I am in a choma dreaming of all this.

I end all of this now. I depart off to an other world, to another time to dream and you might find me writing my stories there.

Until next time.

The one where I turned Twenty.

24th May Midnight

I sit here waiting for the clock to strike midnight and it has already stuck. I can’t help but feel not at home and lonely

I feel sad and an impending sense of doom has crushed me as I hit 20. I feel worthy and not accomplished.

I haven’t created a set of goals to achieve by 20, but when why do I feel worthless and unaccomplished?

I feel as if there is no meaning to life

I felt like Joey and Rachel in the moments leading up to turning 20 and after turning 20.

(The below clip was my reaction both internally and somewhat externally. Rather than turning 30, this was my state turning 20.)

I guess one more reason as to why I felt so glum and chum was because right before I hit 20, I was watching a movie called Speechless which is a beautiful romantic comedy and damn I love that movie so much, I have decided to let that movie be in my top all-time favourites.

So when watching that movie, I felt like my life was going nowhere. No love, no boyfriend, no relationship, literally that moment in any romantic comedy where the girl says she is going to die alone and drowns herself in food and alcohol. I had that moment minus the food and drinks and it was not good.

I mean I still love being single and enjoying life and having my best friends but you know those moments do exist when you look at others and wish you had what they had, maybe even something even more special.

I mean I turned 20, an adult now. Responsibilities and obligations soon will bind me, not that I don’t like having them but there are some of those responsibilities  I am not a fan of. I don’t know what they are but I don’t like them already.

Coming to celebrating my birthday at midnight, everyone was there, my family and my friends called me right on the stroke of midnight to see me cut the cake and well wish a happy 20. I swear, they literally in that moment were the reason for a tiny ray of happiness of turning 20.

And as the midnight progressed into the morning, my mom has tears down her face and cries because I am growing old and well then I am going to get married and I am going to go away and all that. So well that also put me off of the fact that I turned 20.

I am always very excited for my birthdays, I love them!! I look forward to my birthdays like it’s the greatest thing on Earth but this year, I did not feel that glistening sense of hope or an excitement towards the adulthood.

I mean I like adulthood, I enjoy the freedom and I look forward to having a job and everything, my own house and all that but comes at a cost of growing old. Have I lived my life the right way? Have I done what I have intended to do?

I feel content and happy with how I have lived life but I always wish I could do more, but I did not have the opportunities back then but now I do and I intend to utilise all of it.

It’s been three days since I turned 20, so far I feel normal. I don’t feel old but everyone keeps reminding me that I am old and I should know this and that and what not. I still don’t like the fact that I turned 20.

I feel like a teenage kid trapped in a teenage kid body living a teenage adult life. Like a Freaky Friday situation.

I have many goals, visions and desires I want to complete and I do hope I can do all of it or at least some of the ones that I really desire.

Thank God, I did not decide to get a tattoo of my birth date on my hand because I do not want to be reminded every day that I am growing old and closer to death.

Here is a toast to Adulting

I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me and dear God, I hope I can bear it.

19 things I have learnt roaming around 19 years on this earth

So I turn 20 tomorrow, officially an adult, can’t turn back now. God I wish at this point, I was living the Disney show life…

My last day of being a teenage adult and now it’s gone just like my childhood.

I don’t think I am ready or will ever be ready to take the plunge into adulthood. I mean I am still a kid stuck in a kid like adult body. I only have a few good years left before I get married and all that. I mean how is time going by so fast?! I am doing my year 2 at university and I have only one year left before adulting takes my life.

Is the Flash messing up my time line?!

I have my masters and my PHD in the future, but that’s going to be different. I am going to be done with my university care free yet serious days in one more year… (It also depends whether I pass my year 2, inserts nervous laughter…)

I am one step closer to death, one step closer to everyone dying around me, one step closer to robot domination, one step closer to the apocalypse, one step closer to responibsilites and impending doom…

So before I turn the big 20, here I am writing 19 things I have learnt in the 19 years of my life. Someday Future me, you will enjoy all this…

I hope this helps…

1 – The world is filled with all sorts of people and as you grow older, it begins harder to find people you like and who you can be yourself with. So when you find those people, make sure you cherish your times with them and never let go of them. You will loose friends but don’t worry about that, there will always be the ones that will always stick with you.

Nothing in the cosmos will tear the fabrication of your friendship.

Try not to also be a people pleaser because you will only end up having time for that and nothing else. Do not worry of what other people think about you.

2 – At the same time, know when it’s right to cut people off from your life. Give them an explanation. If they are toxic for your health and well being and your happiness is at stake, know that it’s time to let go. Confrontation is hard but when you relieve of that feeling, it’s one of the best feelings in the world.

3 – Bad people know good food spots. I have this theory, a person is bad and the only way other people can like them is through food because who doesn’t love food, so they introduce you to the best food spots making you like them and making you think they are nice and interesting.

4 – As you grow older, you will find that you will be forced to have conversations you are not into, but know that its for the best and you will learn a lot from them. It might be uncomfortable but you know and discover a lot.

5 – It’s okay to be alone and have the time you want to yourself rather than feeling guilty about not spending it with your dear ones. Sometimes you need that space to figure out what you want and need. You need that space to be calm and peaceful. Not everyone thinks like how you think.

6 – Try out things. You might not know what you would end up liking. Don’t say NO to everything, Say YES to most of it but if you find yourslef crossing the boundaries you have set, then its okay to say NO.

7 – Time goes by very fast. So do not be upset over the things you missed upon doing but look forward to things now and also the future.

8 – You will always remember the mistakes you did and would wish to go back and rectify them, know that it happened for a reason and there is nothing you can do about it but move on. Just don’t repeat it.

Sometimes, no amount of preparation can prepare you for thr worst that’s yet to come.

9 – You will have doubts in your mind for whatever you are going to do. You will overthink a lot, you will be stressed but always listen to the gut. If it makes you nervous, I find that it’s worth doing because it teaches me something always and I have a new sense of accomplishment in me.

10 – When you need help, ask for it. Don’t be stubborn about things you don’t have a clue about, but do not always be dependent. You need to also know how to do things on your own.

11 – A clean room helps!! Sometimes when I am panicked or nervous, cleaning and organiazing helps. So it might help you all too.

12 – Do not worry about being single and having no one to cozy it up with. Your time will come. Time has a lot to do with everything. It’s okay to be single. You need to have an idenity of your own without having to depend upon an other person for it. It will suck seeing other couples because you will wonder on what you are missing out and be upset but at the end of the day, I am happy and I can have a good time by myself and with my friends!!

13 – You are your own best friend!! Have conversations with yourself. It’s fun and you learn a lot about yourself. It’s the most fun thing to do.

14 – Dreaming helps cope up with reality. It’s okay to dream but know where to draw the line because once sucked, it’s very hard to go back to reality. Balance is a key factor.

15 – It’s okay to watch a movie by yourself. It’s a very liberating feeling. I love watching movies by myself because I enjoy my own company and I can react however I want to!!

16 – Arcades are the best place to be and also beaches!! There is something about playing games in an Arcade that I love because you let loose and have fun!! Beaches are the most calming places to be and with some good music, you can just unwind and stare at the waves hitting the shore while watching the skies change colours. Night strolls are the BEST!!

17 – Spend time with your family and friends. They won’t be there for long, so make use of all the time you have to spend time with them but also remember when you have work, it’s important to complete your work as well. Balance is the key again.

18 – Your feelings are always valid. Your pain is also valid. Sometimes you may not know how to express them or you might think it’s not worth it. Find a way to unleash your pain.

19 – You can tell a lot about a person by their choice in music.

Special Bonus Advice: It’s okay if you dream of the feeling to kill some very specific or non-specific people in your mind. It’s okay if you dream of murders and the ways you could do it and how you could escape it. Embrace the dark side to yourself.

Just don’t proceed to do it. Jail is not a fun place.

The End.