The two men

It has been three days since I had gone to the gym. Three idle days of sitting in bed, reading and watching.

Today I went to the gym, it was energetic. It is a small gym with three equipments and some weights and a bounce ball in the building on the same floor as I live .

Nine huge glass windows were mounted to one side of the gym and a plain white wall on the other. The treadmill among the other gym equipments faced the windows giving me the opportunity to look out at the people on the streets indulging in their routine and/or activities. 

I have a specific time when going to the gym here. Eleven A.M to Twelve P.M. I spend around an average of Forty minutes at the gym. During this time, I watch new and old people on the streets do their thing. 

I am not much of a good observer. I just look at what the other people see. I see but not observe. I am trying to improve on that. So when at the gym, I teach myself by setting people as targets so I learn. I cannot deduce like Sherlock Holmes or Doctor Watson but they do teach quite a bit. I just let my mind do the bare minimum with some context either given in by the environment or by my mind.

When in the gym, I keep on some music or a podcast so that I tend not to strain my eyes looking at the screen of the phone which I do everyday every hour. So just during these Forty minutes, I let my eyes prey the world outside.

I notice what the people do. I feel like a hunter stalking its prey but not deciding to act on it. Instead just looking outside and watching, keeping it all to myself. I take note of the time when the vans come around and I would like to deduce for what purpose they come. I deduce it by the logo on the van. Pretty easy work. I like to keep my mind occupied with minuscule details like these.

Today I went to the gym at 10:50 AM.  As usual, I watch the old and new people. What always catches my eyes are a pair. There are always those two men sitting on the ground sometimes standing indulging in conversations or sometimes resting.

I only see them there till I leave. I do not know what they do after. All this while I have been coming, I have never witnessed them leave during the time I spend in the gym.

I always wondered what brought them there at this specific time. I am assuming they were brought there by the obligations of their job. I would like to think of a higher purprose that brought them there, everyone who was brought there during the time I was there.

As always when I am on the treadmill, I watched them keenly trying to decipher why they were here. They wore Red shirts with Green luminous bands imprinted on the shirt around their arms and had black pants on.

I figured they were some sort of workers, but of what vocation, I could not figure that out. It would have been easy considering how one could learn about the purpose of different uniforms, but I rather not.

I tried to figure out the nature of the conversation they were having right now. The guy on the left had various hand movements going on. It seemed as if he was explaining some concept or a joke to the man, colleague or perhaps his friend on his right.

I could not understand what expression each of them had fixated on their faces because they wore big hats and looking down on them from a height, it was nearly impossible to figure. So I could only deduce. I say a joke because I could see the man smile a bit even if he had the big hat on.

After a brief of Ten minutes, they stood up and went near the big can that ressembles a canister but worn out and rusty. Then I saw a big white garbage truck come along and these two men placed the big can onto the rear holders and the garbage was dumped into back of the truck. As soon as the the truck completed the job, they hopped along the sides of the truck and went away.

That was it. 

My keenful watching was over. Why did the truck decide to come at this specific time today? On the other days, I never saw the truck but today, I saw it. Why did it decide to rob me of the pleasure of figuring out the story of them?

I could have assigned a nice story with some rich context and background but I was robbed of it. Now I have to hunt for other regular people who stick to their routines and not have a satisfying conclusion so I can create my own story for them.

There is some comfort in trying to figure out the story of strangers. There is a better comfort when assigning your own story to them with your mind.

Lately

Lately it’s been a bit rough and tough.

It’s been a while I have posted. This has been in the works a lot because my mood and mindset have been in the works a lot. So I am going to try and jot down every feeling i have had in this one tiny post.

I am not active as I used to be and I would like to change that, so I am trying hard now. Trying to post when I can, and I know trying is not the only thing in this component, I have to find time and make it work. I don’t want to let this go and I am not planning to.

With uni deadlines, procrastination and being sick, it’s a bit hard. At times like these you wish you could stop the time, go back and change something about the way you done, or just hire someone to do the job or just be a better version of yourself.

I have been in a funk with myself lately. Not being happy deep inside, feeling left out and alone, being stressed about deadlines and submissions, missing home, being sick and dying of cough.

So what to do when you feel like you are stuck in the deep pit of sorrow and agony? What to do indeed?

Sometimes it takes time, it took me two weeks to get out of it, and I still am not out of it wholy. At times, I force myself to get out of it by pushing myself to atleast work for a bit. It proves to be helpful, debatable?

A lot of thoughts has been consuming my mind. Time at times is not in my favour, everything seems to be speeding too much, I need to get a lot done, I want to discover and grab the opportunities out there. I feel as if I am not doing enough.

I just had an interview for a job last week and I got it!! So now, I feel very relieved and half of my stress has come down. I feel a bit better than before. A lot to be honest. I have started to work on my essays and I am completing them before time.

Kids always do your work before time, atleast a week before, get your research done because the stress of stressing on it and not doing much is the worst. So that’s one friendly piece of advice I would like to give y’all.

So what to do to ease yourself when you find yourself in the tough spot?

  • Sometimes time just takes a bit longer than usual to help you, that’s what I have learnt. Just try changing something about the way you do things. When it comes to work, I find that getting a headstart is always good, so far it has helped me because I know how lazy I can get.

So I have been taking it one day at a time and it helped. 

  • Spend some time alone or with friends. Do it the way you want to. Try not to think about mind succumbing thoughts, so I think being with your friends takes your mind off it, but at the same time that is always there in the back of my mind. I overstress in my mind a lot and sometimes it gets me to really bad places and moments where I can’t breathe, think or just exisit.

It just continues and then stops. Then starts again.

  • I try and block out the world with my headphones and it’s music. ( Subtle promotion and of the fact that I have headphones)

 

  • Right now, what I am doing to get my mind off it and to realize what’s going wrong in my mind is by writing it down. It helps in a very subtle yet powerful way.

It’s a silent way to express myself to myself but comes with it the strong words and sentences that help me understand and gain a bit of clarity.

  • I wasn’t finding the right word until now to describe myself. I do not know if it’s a good or a bad thing but when I was talking to my best friend, we got to talking on what type of partner we look in for and she said that the guy who I end up with should deal with me and my mercurial self.

So that’s what I am doing. Trying to find a solution to contain this mercurial self or try to be in that one mood. I like to change my mood and mind often. I just can’t seem to stick it to one mood.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I write about the same thing over and over again just in different words, sentences, phrases and titles. Probably it’s just what I think of a lot. I do think of loads of things a lot but usually that happens in random outbursts during any time.

If only my brain was connected to a laptop or a piece of pen and paper that wrote every thought about every weird thing that I thought of. ( SIGH )

Wouldn’t that be one interesting piece to read about? It would also be a good way to orgainze my thoughts. Like I said writing helps me organize my thoughts.

Why can’t humans be organized like the way we organize our shevles, clothes and more? Like why can’t they be orgaznied like a librarry? How cool and wicked would that be? it would make my life so much easier but bland. I want a bit of mess and chaos to run wild and free in the human system. That’s what makes us so fascinating and intruguing to understand and learn about.

I am not much of an extrovert at all, I am in the midst of an introvert/ambivert leaning a tad bit more to the introvert side here because different place and people bring out a different version of me that is true always, but with people who I ain’t real close with, you could guess what happens. If not, I either get super super awakard and be silent or I just pretend to pay attention and talk.

Sometimes I am a walking singing dancing clumsy gal and then comes those days, where I want to be left out and be the most silent person in the world, and then comes the part of me which always thinks about weird dangerous stuff. I have a whole lot of moods that people haven’t seen yet and one day, I wish there was that one person I could show it to, be it a friend or a lover.

 

Right now, I feel alright. I got a majority of my course work done and as I prepare to end this piece, I am greeted with the pitter patter sounds of the rain hitting the glass and that of the ground.

All I see are the clouds and a dark night and in it pours down the rain that comforts me. All I wish, hope and pray is for the best to happen.

 

I guess when people ask me what I think of myself, I am just gonna be like

 

” I am mercurial.

I don’t know how to desrcibe myself.

I guess I am alright.  “

– Roshni Marath Jairaj