I am selfish

I am selfish

I am selfish when I wish for plans to be cancelled so I can have a day to myself.

I am selfish in wanting to do things alone, things that my friends like to do with me, but I am selfish and want to do it by myself.

I am selfish for craving momentary happiness and for wishing momentary sadness for people who bring me down.

I am selfish in wanting to keep everyone to myself but I am also selfish when I want to keep myself away when they need me.

I am selfish when I don’t to share my world with the others.

I am selfish for wanting so much when I don’t deserve half of it.

I am selfish for not speaking up about what matters the most to me because it hurts others when I don’t.

I am selfish for speaking my true mind that hurt others and myself.

I am selfish for going after I want and not thinking about the countless lives I am leaving behind

I am selfish for wanting to chase something that can bring destruction to my family.

I am selfish when I escape into a world of mine because I refuse to participate in acts that hurt myself and other people

I am selfish when I do not want to face conseuqences to my actions

I am selfish in wanting to dodge my problems

I am selfish when I think about bad sins I want to do

I am selfish for judging about people’s sacrifices that were unnecessary. I am selfish when I do not see the real motive or purpose.

I am selfish for not making enough sacrifices.

I am selfish when I fail to commit to my words even if I can sense that it will kill me.

I am selfish in every way in everyone’s hearts

I am selfish in every binary situation and in every contrast

I live upto everyone’s words and yet continue to be selfish

I try my best not to be but I end up being anyways.

Do I know what selfish is anymore or do I just need a word to end everything I want to say?

I can do fine or maybe good by myself, but not great

As I was getting ready to sleep, this thought popped up into my mind and got me thinking the above. 

I simply cannot understand how only the nights are set out to get these thoughts from me. How is it that the nights are only capable to question the deepest thoughts man mind is afraid to be alone with? How is that in the nights, I have to confront them?  So rather than going to sleep and forgetting about them the next morning, I decided to sit down and write every thought that came to me.

This is what came to me.

I can do fine or maybe good by myself but not great.

You know what makes it great. It is the family, the friends and the world I live in that make it great.

You give me a laptop and good wi-fi connection, I will be alright by myself. You give an apartment, a job with money, I can go out and travel and live by myself without the need for human conatct to bring me joy. I can spend days just being with it but in order for my life to be great, I need my family and my friends.

The world is a companion that I need when I am alone. I need the world so that I can step out and go for many walks. I need the world so that there is something I can go and discover. 

I need them all so that I can still try and live my great life. I need it all to give me the drive I want and still have.

I am an introvert. I like very specific people and can only express who I authentically am just with them. They bring out the me. With different people, I am a different and authentic self. Some of my friends may not see the side I am with the other people I spend my time with.

That is the thing with me. I guess it can be the thing with everyone. I never show the whole 100 percent. I guess I want to hide that part or maybe I just haven’t been comfortable to show it to you. Keeping that part of myself, just to myself makes me happy. A secret only I know.

I can still live good being by myself in this world but still I need my family and best friends to keep the 50 percent human in me. 

I know this sounds selfish, it is all about me, but when you come to think of it, why do we form friendships, why do we love? It is all for ourselves, to make us happy. These people give us happiness and love and that is why we want them in our lives. I like them because I like spending my time with them. Watching them happy makes me happy.

I guess we all are selfish but it is the good kind of selfish. The kind of selfish where we deserve happiness and love for ourselves and the world.

I need them to balance my life.

I need them because I want to shower them with love and I also want to be showered with love.

I need them so that I am aware of life and what is real. 

I need them to know what is right and what is wrong. I need them to keep my moral compass alive and good.

I need them so that I can learn all sorts of things.

I need them for many of the memories I want to make. I need them because I still want to live this life of love and happiness I lead.

I need them because they are there for me and I for them. 

I need these bonds so that I am not alone in this journey of life. 

I need them for me. 

I need them to exist.