How long?

I go to sleep with tears rolling down my face making its way to seep into the pillows

I have drenched myself into a beautiful melancholy of sad music. As each tone begins to play, I start to associate different moments of sadness to it.

I want to go back home  A home filled with memories and moments I lived happily in  I want to run through fields of time and spend each moment getting lost in those fields. 

My heart throbs and pounds  It races and runs out of breath  My mind races to help but it too gets stuck in its own quick sands I do not struggle with getting out, so I just accept my choice to sink. 

The thing with getting out using force is that you never free of yourself from what you feel You are abrupt with the escape  You are not closured You leave it and move on…

When it comes back later, it comes with a powerful wave and knocks you down again but  this time, it promises to be stay there for longer and will make you feel everything you once forgot to allow yourself to feel.

I am so confused  I want to cry endlessly  Every moment that once scared me is coming back to haunt me Every moment where I spent nights crying inside my mind is coming back to suck the tears out of me.

The grudges that I carry inside me, I do not anymore I am not proud of those grudges  I want to feel liberated but how can I when people think so wrong of me? I want you to be happy, person. When I speak of you, visible moments of hate present themselves but my grudge does not continue to lament.

All I know is that I have a feeling growing inside me, a feeling to be loved I want to engage in acts of love without having to think about next day’s and regrets I want someone to be beside and hug me, placing sweet and sensual kisses on the side of my neck while telling me everything is okay.  I want to drift into the unknown with him.  Why would anyone ever love me and for what? For just one long second, I want to act without having to think about consequences.

I want to cry  I want to cry and pour my heart out I am doing everything I can to make this happen but nothing seems to work. Instead, I have this anxiousness building up and I have no cracks for my tears to come through 

How long will I have to cover up the deep gnashes cutting me so that others won’t judge us all?  Why hide the truth when everyone knows it but it can’t be brought to light because the world would look down on us?  How longer would I have to care? Why care about the world at all when it is our lives being lived? Give me an answer and I will remain silent  I do not want to be a pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good.

It is not easy growing up because more feelings come into play and sometimes there is no way to comfort them  My imagination cannot always fix it for me  That very imagination wrecks my soul.

Feelings create poetry  Sadness creates beauty 

How long can I convince myself to deny the  thing that fixes a part of my life because of the consequences that come with it?  I seem to be loosing at everything I care about. 

As I get ready to sleep onto my pillow The stars in my sky fall down leaving a canvas of black  My sadness says goodbye letting me rest for tonight promising to invite itself back again for an other time

Until then. 

After Death

So, I fall asleep pretty fast or I take ages to hit the slumber. It’s always one of those. So when I take ages to sleep, it always leads to the paths of overthinking and countless thoughts clouding my mind.

Yesterday I started thinking of death and what would happen to my things after my death. Would they be stored in a box somewhere and be kept into the depths of unkown or be savoured or be burnt to ashes or be thrown or be donated or be left as it is?

After death what is supposed to happen to my soul? Is there a heaven, hell or the middle place? Once my mom told me that God was noting down all our sins and good deeds, so that when the time comes, God will know where to put us and that scares me because I have done questionable number of things that might not earn me a spot in Heaven and that’s just the deeds up till now.

Do I start to live an other life in the after world because I can’t imagine my life ending after death for some reason. I want to keep living, I want more of it even after I die because it frighthens me as to what lies ahead after death.

What if I have some unfinished quest, does my soul depart the face of the earth after completing it or my soul just leaves unfinished.

What happens to the people I love? Are they going to be affected by my death? What about me? How can I live without them in the after life? Do I get versions of them where I am or I meet other people and they become my family or do I get to be with my loved ones who have died before and it’s a reunion with them. A Happily Ever After in The After Life. You know like the one in the movie Coco. That was a beautiful movie!! (Insert Tears)

An other intriguing aspect to consider, what if I just disintegrate and that’s it. Nada, Zilch, Nothing. That’s it. Here is the end to Roshni and nothing lies forward.

Sometimes I look forward to death because it’s an escape from all the problems that tie me down but then I fear of what I am going to miss and do not want to die ever and I also do not want my family and friends to leave me and join the after life.

There is so much to look forward to in life. I worry about not living my life to the fullest which is a fear when death arrives. What if I might have not done nothing? How would I feel then? I guess that’s for an other time.

Death is what evokes the strongests of emotions in me. It is an unpredictable factor in our lives and we not know when we are going to succumb to it. We can’t control it and it scares me.

If there is a God Of Death, how does it feel? Does it feel remorseful doing what it does or does it feel like a responisbility. Does it know the consequences of doing so? Does it know it’s being hated? Does it know the value of what it’s taking, what it does to people? Does it select people and if so why? Why does death exist? Why can’t we all just be beings living?

If I had an interview with the God Of Death, it would be very interesting and I would let you all know how it went.

I have imagined the way I want to die, NOT anytime soon. I want to die in my sleep peacefully in my parent’s hands. I want to die in their arms peacefully and happily. Do we not all think about our deaths at some point in our lives?

As I am an only child, I wonder on how am I going to survive the moment something bad happens to my parents. They are my only family and if they go away, I am going to be all alone with no comfort of my family’s presence to love me or to console me when I am upset ot just be there for me and I for them.

I hate having those thoughts but sometimes I have to think about it because it prepares me, I guess in a sort of way to face the fact that it will happen one day and I do not think I will ever be ready for it. God forbids that day come.

When people die, what happens to them. I always think about that. Is that the end or is there something more. I have read theories, seen edits of people in heaven looking down on us and so on.

Once my mom said that, when people die, they become stars in the sky and they look out for us. So when my Aunt died, I always believe that she is the brigthest star in the sky looking out for me and when I look up, I feel relieved and comforted because she is there with me and so are everyone else. I like that.

Death is a very sad being, I see why people do not like it much. It does take away what you love but sometimes sets them free. We should think about that as well. Sometimes death liberates those beings in ways life possibly cannot do.

I try to think about the positive side to death but that above is the only one that comes to mind, liberation of the dead from this world.

Death, I honestly don’t know what to expect of and from you, but please try not be very cruel to me and the ones I care about.