In my head

I have these pictures and depictions in my head on how different sceanrios could take place.

Some of them are confrontations.

Part 1

I am not entirely good at confrontations or voicing out something that really bothers me. For half of the time, I ignore it and for the other half of the time, I devise plans on how I could get rid of them or do a mental confronation in my mind.

Not only confrontations, but also pointing out things that people do wrong to me and to people who do it.

Mostly I have been quiet in some of the situations and in others, I do speak out what I feel and think when I feel that I cannot bear it or when I come to a breaking point, or when it affects others.

With some people, it’s not worth it and it is pointless

With some people, it’s hard

With some people, I just go with it

I tend to think about what the others would feel when I would speak out my mind against them. At times, I simply can’t muster up the courage to do so. I am scared and afraid.

So what I do instead is I imagine how it would all go down in my head. In my head, I realese the fury and the rage that I contain. I go to the extreme. That’s what happens when you keep it all in.

This thing that I am doing, I know it’s not healthy and I should speak up. But I feel that for most of the times, my argument and the situation that I am in is simply pointless and not worth a confrontation. It’s petty and silly. In no way, shape or manner, does my self get destroyed but yes, I do obsessively think about it but also I feel that it’s not worth the fight and the argument.

I really need less of that because my whole life has been filled with impending doom and sadness of the past.

But for the ones that I know and feel would take a serious toll on me, I confront it. This would cause certain friendships to break, families to fight or cause a rift. But at the end, removing the toxic effects are worth it.

I not only have confrontations with the world but also with myself. I confront every aspect, every mistake, every thought, feeling and action. I obsess too much on those thoughts at the night and it keeps me awake for a long time. So, I put myself to sleep by either loosening myself into a world of fantasy that goes on in my head or I slowly succumb to the countless damaging thoughts.

 But in my head, confrontations do have it’s appealing yet damaging aspect.

This world of mine is a beautiful treasure kept in hiding.

Enrooted in me. 

Part 2

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In my head, is a place that I can control every factor, starting with the environment, the person and how I can let it move on. That is one of the most splended and beautiful part about our minds and our imagination. We are the sole owners of something so powerful and delicate. That creative process is the most wonderful aspect and immersing into it is a whole other level of high and addiction. Inside my head is a favourite place to be.

One sets out to create a puzzle, falls deeper into the complexity and into the endless void. It really is a wonderful feeling with break taking moments.

I wish I could be trapped in that space forever. Locking myself in my own stories. Living through the creations and of my mind. Locking my memory of ever creating this world, so that I have no recollection of what’s going to happen, but my world knows. I might make choices that would alter the creation of my story, but for a fact, I know that I will enjoy it and know what to do. I want it the easy and the hard way. I want my choices to be given it to me the easy way but I also want that challenge and pain. It’s a habit that I learnt from my life here in the real world, a habit that reality taught me. I  have thought through it all, but I feel that it still lacks a flare, a flare that I can’t pin point to.

I have designed my world accordingly to every desire, dream, challenge, pain, hurdle and also some deaths balanced with the proper mixage of my dark thoughts. I have created multiple worlds, story lines, choices and characters that fit and suit my story. I can jump from one story to an other. My worlds consisit of the ones that I read in books, watch everywhere, listen to and want to experience.

My hidden desires and wishes have always been in me and I have always had the chance to go and do something about it in my world.

It is a world that is so beautiful and extraordinary. A world where all dreams come true. A world to escape into. A world that will always be in the works of making and accomdoating to myself and the changes. A world that would forever change the way on how one lives their life.

 

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It’s a hopeful world, too beautiful and perfect to ever become a reality.

“It would forever become a world that will only cease to exisit in my mind.”

 

 

It was probably meant to be that way since the beginning.

If not, this world would not have existed and I wouldn’t have had the chance to enjoy every minute of my creation.

 

 

 

Movie Talks

A new series emerges again, a series where movies I watch inspire me and make me think about that the topic of the film and more.

Today’s thoughts are based on the movie, ” The Bridges of Madison County”. This movie is based on a novel.

Starring Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep, it’s a beautiful well-thought movie that evokes loads of thoughts and feelings. It makes us think about the underlying feelings and emotions of love and family, and it’s complications.

How loving someone is so simple, but the relationship that comes along with it is complex. The mentalities of people, the responsibilities of having a family, the strains and limits that it takes on one, how difficult choices have to be made; ones that can even break you.

A love affair taken place in 4 days, 4 days that were of absolute bliss and perfection but it came crashing down when Francesca has to make a choice between her lover, Robert Kincaid and her family and children. It’s a tough movie to watch, and our hearts are always on the line with characters and the plot.

The end is a powerful and bold choice. She chooses to stay with her family, a sacrifice she made for her and her eternal love. She decides to keep her love aside and lived for the family, but she always loved him and will keep loving him. It’s a bittersweet ending.

It makes us wonder why couldn’t she leave her family and go with the man who makes her happy, the man who understood her, the man who she wanted to spend her life with.  A man who was kind and good of nature.

Love and connection like that only come once in a lifetime and she left that for her family. A great sacrifice indeed.

On the other hand, I do understand why she chooses her family. She knew she couldn’t leave her family behind, She would be leaving a whole other life she had back here to move on to a new different life. Responsibilities bound and kept her. I felt that she felt she owed it to them or maybe more, out of love but a different love, a love for the greater good of others.

I cannot stop wondering why she wouldn’t go with him? I also do understand why so she couldn’t go.

Why are families complex and robust? Why does one always have to sacrifice for the greater good? Why can’t one be selfish? But as you see once, one becomes selfish, so many lives are on the line. The lives you have interacted with and become a part of can be broken or are.

All it takes is a moment for an earth-shattering event to take place. A moment to make or break you.

Till the very end, I expected for a reunion, but I wasn’t given that. It got me thinking that’s just how some things in life are. Sometimes you don’t end up getting that. For some closure or out of pity, people tell change is good. Some change is good but what about the changes that we just cannot accept or fathom? We learn to be okay with it in the course of time.

We all live only once, why not do everything we love? We can but in this movie, she could but also couldn’t. Sometimes life gets in the manner and responsibilities, but we should and always ought to try our best in living the best lives.

Marriage is a respectable, caring loving yet a frightening institution, and along the fine lines comes the family. It still upsets me why she couldn’t leave, but as I said, I also understand why because I have seen it happen in real life but in a very different way.

It’s also the mentality of the minds that also got me about this movie, how we are raised to think of certain things and parts of life that are completely absurd and cannot be deemed as usual. We are expected to believe that life is some sort of routine and along with it comes certain expectations and moral are you are supposed to follow.

I do understand those morals have been established to ensure the happiness of the family and to keep it from falling apart but what happens if you are no longer happy?

What then? Are you allowed to leave it or continue living it for the family? Can you do both? But will they understand? Why isn’t there a fix to this? A protocol or a solution. Why do certain problems in the world that exist where answers cannot be found that makes everyone happy? Why must one get hurt and upset? Is this how the world functions and needs to work?

I do understand that there lie obligations, responsibilities and a life that you have build for yourself and your family, all on the verge, but if one isn’t happy with it, should we silently suffer for our loved ones, for the greater good? I know many people who have.

I know of many stories, but what I can’t find is a story that ends up with the person happy, with not many consequences, but I guess life is not a movie huh? Where one can direct and make it the way they wish to see.

We only live life once, and all this time, somewhere deep inside of us, we know we aren’t happy with it, but is it too late?

What if you realise that, at last, breathe of your life, you have a sudden epiphany that the life you have lived turned out to be the life you were never happy or genuinely joyous with. A life where one was unable to seek true happiness, joy and freedom. What happens then?

After we die, what happens? I don’t know.

Are our souls happy and finally free now that it’s over or will it be haunted by the life it never had and wished that it had? Will, our souls, roam around the face of the earth searching for that lost life or will it be lost forever without finding it? Will our souls depart from this earth after discovering what it always wanted or leave without finding it?

The answers are unknown, endless and of many.

 

I don’t know what will happen.

Probably I might have to be at my last breath to find out. 

 

I have many thoughts, many conflicting thoughts, many troubling choices and decisions lie ahead. For all of us, for me. I hope I can make the right choice without upsetting the world and myself.

I know for absoulte certainity that as the course lies ahead, I will be stuck at crosspaths, quite a lot of times. I do hope and pray that I can make decisions that will make me happy as well the people in it.

I also know that some or the majority of it might not be possible, but I am willing to try and not be afraid.

For the things that truly matter, I will fight. But if I loose? What can I do?

Perhaps I can be happy about the memory that it happened and then console myself by saying that certain things are not meant to be.

Countless other thoughts come into my mind and I cannot find an absoulute true answer that I want. There are always many sides to that thought.

I don’t know if I will ever find one clear answer to the thoughts and questions I have.  I do hope to find an answer that will make my mind at ease and heart at content.

Perhaps, maybe, there is not one clear answer but I do hope whatever I learn and whenever I learn will finally put me at contenment.

 

Or I might go searching for more?

The mind never stops working, does it?

 

 

4s85

 

Back to the roots, a celebration.

August 19th, Sunday, 8:53 AM

( PS: Based on true events.

This whole piece was written in a drive to Abu Dhabi in a car, all handwritten. I have modified some of it a bit, but everything in this was written down in the book.

Attached at the end are the pictures of the piece I wrote in my book whilst on the drive. Do pardon me for my handwriting.

Before you all think why I chose the picture above as my feature image, it’s because I really like this picture and well it’s a celebration. I really like the song Hymn For The Weekend and it’s music video. It gave me a very good vibe just like how writing this piece did. So I felt like this captured what I felt during writing. I didn’t want to upload the classic pen and paper as my feature image, thought of doing it a different way. )

 

I have decided to go old school today. Back to the roots of writing. Back to a common man’s tool, the pen and paper.

Being so engrossed with my laptop and keyboard, I have truly forgotten how it feels to hold a pen in my hand and write what flows from my mind into a book filled with blank pages.

This idea quickly sprung upon me when my father decided to take myself and my mom to Abu Dhabi. a 2 hour drive.

Staring out to the buildings, the views of the sand and the watching the buildings rise up to the sky with the sunlight gleaming on them, looking at the whole of skyline in the comforts of my car. Looking at all those above views, I was pretty sure somewhere in my mind, I would be buzzing and itching to write something. I could have noted it all down in the notes section of my phone but I would loose the previlge of writing with a pen in my hand and I would have lost the opportunity to loose myself into the process of writing on this wonderful inspirational drive.

Before embarking on this drive, I was in the comfort of my sofa/bed watching a wonderful heartwarming movie, ” You’ve got mail.” A movie filled with simple yet charmatistic mentalities. Words, humorous personas, encounters and last but not the lease, the profounding quotes spoken by the characters. This played a role behind the inspiration today. ” To go back to the roots. ”

Now, as I am writing, I am in the comfort of the backseat of my car, writing with a pen in my book listenting to the businnes breakfast 103.8 reflecting on my surroundings and everything around me.

If this was my laptop, the grammarly softwarre embedded would have been correcting everything forcing my brain not to even apply the basic rules of grammar, spelling and work into what I write. During this process, my brain is forced but with a gentle push and nudge to apply the basic rules into what I write.

I forgot what this felt like. It is a nice yet overwheming feeling having a pen to pen down all my thoughts into a book. I still could have chosen the later option of noting it down in the notes app but why did I decide to do this? Why in the car whilst going on a drive?

Perhaps I was looking for an inspiration. Probably I needed an execuse to detach myself from my laptop. Maybe I needed this to remind this experience to remind me of the beauties and wonder of the feeling I once had, the feeling of writing using my pen and paper. It felt warm and nice to be reminded of that long last feeling and the joys that it gave me.

As I look out from the small window of the car, I see skycrapers all around me on one side and construction work on the other.  Conversations spark in the car about various topics of disucussion including myself. I sense discomfort in the air and I am quick and wise to go and seek the comfort of my penship because it feels safe.

The world and everything in it is changing.  I feel happy looking at it, my home for 18 years. Then, I feel a trail of sadness looking at it. The thought of leaving it could be the reason. The thought of leaving my family and friends upsets me, but then there is an excitement to return back but also follows the dread of leaving my mom, dad and friends behind. It’s a conflicting feeling.

Changes are different and hard to grasp and believe. Even the slightest move in my world affects me. It’s hard to describe my feelings to to change, that concept is a baffling one for me. It’s for the good and bad, like many of the other things I know. I simply cannot grasp and get hold of how I feel towards it.

To describe how I feel towards it, I have stringed down together a few words that I think could capture my views.

Like the waves of the sea behave, up and down, high and low, strong or mellow;

Like the wind, easy and breezy, cold or warm, harsh or soft, destruction or mellow;

Like that, I change my views and feels to the emodiment of change.

There is another quote as well that reflects a part of what I feel towards change. A quote from the movie You’ve got mail.

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I am glad I took upon the experience of writing this down with my pen in my book. I am happy that I was able to take a quick descison just before leaving for the drive, to take my pen and book. It felt absoultely joyous and warm to head back to the roots, where the process of writing took place.

Once in a while, I think we should all go back to the roots of writing. It gives you a nice sense of feeling.

( PS: Of course however I wish there was a machine that could just copy my writing into what I am writing right now, it’s complicated, because I kind of find it a menace to write the whole thing over in my laptop again but this was worth it. )

My mind and the thought process of it are overflowing with numerous thoughts, but for some reason, I can’t seem to write them down. The irony of it all. I have a pen, I have a book and I have the words. Then why can’t I?

I look outside, the commentary in the radio is interesting but I want my eyes and brain to rest for a while. I look outside and I can myself drown in the drowsiness of my weary and tired self.

I feel like a writer now. A writer in search for words and stories. A writer in touch and connect with one’s self. A writer with a mind keen to write.

This feels like something out of the movies. A movie where a lost writer goes out to a new place in search for inspiration and stories to write or is in search for his lost identitiy or set on a path to discover something.

I am starring in that movie right now, my own life, a movie, but I don’t know what I am searching for. I am on a car ride going to a place, far away from where I live. I am in a car simply enjoying what I am doing right now, writing with a pen in the paper.

Farewell for now.

 

( As promised, here lies the pictures of the piece in the book I have wrote.)

 

A bad week

Based on a true story. This piece is inspired by recent events. The events below might not be of any big issue for everyone out there, but we all have problems and for me, this is pretty big. It all depends on one’s persepctive and the mind.

Starting from 5th August 2018, this week has been a very bad one. A week to remember. A week that now belongs to my history of bad times. A week filled with mishaps, sadness, tears, agonizing pain and loss.

Sunday morning, the 5th started with a fuss over a movie and somehow ultimately lead to me spraining my neck and being in dire agonizing pain. The day I became upset and how some things were more valuable than others.

The next day, a hangout and sleepover with my dear friend who I meet once in a blue moon, the day started out really well, ended on an extremely bad note with me losing my phone, the phone that has captured my whole life and work. A phone that wasn’t more than a year old. A phone that was very dear to me.

The guilt and sadness consumed me, times were tough and this week has not been easy in any manner.

The only good thing that happened was watching my favorite actor who I love and adore so much make his Bollywood Debut in a movie called Karwaan. For those 2 hours, he made me forget all my worries and I was the happiest person alive. Made me smile and forget my worries. Dulquer Salmaan.

Then I was snapped back into reality again, but I felt better than before. Even the tiniest ray of a good moment is enough to make your day be a bit better.

What was the point of this week? What was it trying to establish here? What good did all the bad things do? What lesson have I learned? I wonder why it all happened and I get upset all over again.

From my perspective, and based on my outlook and that of my parent’s, sometimes bad things need to happen, not because of the good things that are going to come, sometimes it needs to happen for you to learn something.

Sometimes, you need the bad things in your life to be aware of how life is not all ideal just because you have been having a good time recently.

Sometimes you need that big blow/thud to get hold of you and teach you something, or maybe you needed it.

Before the major mishap happened with my phone, my mom read my horoscope which stated that I had to be very careful this week as this week would be “quite the bad week” and boy oh boy, it has proved that.

I always have been a believer in horoscopes. Today, I read that I could be overly concerned with what’s wrong and I shouldn’t let mistakes or errors like these to take too much of my time. As always, it surprised me and I was shooketh.

What have I learned?

So that’s what I am trying to do, trying to not let my mind get consumed by whatever has happened. It’s hard to not let it go. It’s hard for my mind to help but not wander at the same corner of destruction and replay and live through everything that went wrong. My parents consoled and told me it was okay and mistakes happen. After all, we are just humans, God’s creation, in this big world.

It’s hard to follow that advice until it has not happened with you, but as I said or so the world has said, that is life.

Things happen, we have to move on. If we ponder on what’s wrong with everything in our life, we might only have time for that and not for things or goals that matter to us. Time is a tricky rascal and a weird friend. Sometimes, all you need is time and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you have praises for it and at times, you throw around curses at it. That’s the same thing as life.

I still can’t help but wonder why.

Thus, this was a mistake and I am trying to move on. Things look promising and sometimes not. Go with the flow, be careful and learn from it. Try not to ponder and get upset over it. It’s hard but you have to try. There are good and bad things out there. So, learn and embrace it. It does shape who you are and your mind.

Move on. This ain’t that bad because there are things much worse yet to come. Things much worse have happened and you have come through it. So, let time take care of this and you take care of your mind.

Bye for now.