I have to change

7th August 2019, 7:20 pm

Now I am in the airport heading back for Singapore, back to my mom and dad! Here I am editing this piece that I want to post before I leave Dubai physically because this piece means a lot because it happened here and I got some good advice here, so I want to give it a nice goodbye.

I promised my teacher that the first thing I would write after having a talk with her was going to be a positive one, a positive one about me and the changes I wished to bring in my life from now on.

I am not solely writing it to honour my promise to her, I am writing it because I believe in what she said and I want to be that change.

Changing oneself can be so hard especially if you are at an age/mentality where you are so used to being yourself and it is hard, but that’s what I have to overcome. You can change at whatever age you are but that mentality to change, that is hard. I need to overcome that comfortable phase I am in. I need to change for the good of me. I need to change so that I can be the best version of myself.

I promised my Ma’am that I would try and commit to these changes. These changes are necessary to grow for me as a person and to be in this growing world. 

The changes that I wish to see in myself are as follows.

  1. I have to try, go out and make more friends. I like being by myself but that would turn out to be such a negative thing for me. I need to go out, meet people and make more friends. That doesn’t mean I am going to leave my best friends; I just have to do it for myself. I need to understand people more. I need to talk to other people and see their view points and let my analytical skills grow. I need to try and be more active. It is going to be good in the long run!
  2. I need to not undermine myself so much. I need to believe in myself and my skills. I don’t want to be so insecure about most of the things. Regarding this, I will be doing something very soon. You will see! I need to be my own cheer leader!
  3. I have to start living life a bit more on my own terms. I have always been living life on my own terms but sometimes a few factors hold me back. I don’t want those factors to determine my entire life and hold me back from achieving my full potential to live life. I do not want other’s emotions to hold me down from going after what I want.
  4. I do not want to be scared of the what if’s. If a what if comes in. my way, I want to try and do that what if? If regrets arise out of it, I will deal with it but I would be free from that liberation of what if?
  5. If I want to commit to changes, even the smallest of changes, I want to do it!
  6. I want to be more in this world.

Thank You Sneha Ma’am for being there and for having an honest, fun, insightful and a beautiful conversation!

I have to change. I need to change. I want to change.

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

4. No control

Followed from 3, The master continues to tell the story…

Dear Visitor, I do not know what you seek but over here you shall find no rhythm to a proper story but just a flow of lines that my mind wishes to let loose

I have no control over my hands or my mind

It as if I am strapped onto a seat locked away by a force, a pleasant one that knows what to do 

A force that I created and nurtured and now it only needs my hands and my mind to do the rest

I sit and write every drop that comes to my mind without stopping for once

Every new thought protrudes, and this force compels me to take it all down in one piece 

I know I have to write it because it is through this way, I let go 

It is this way how I unburden 

I wonder when I would stop to write this all down 

Will there ever be a day?

My hands have grown tired but my mind bustles

I wish to close my eyes for a while, but these thoughts refuse to close down 

How do I truly let it go because there is a limit to it all? 

I can’t keep doing this, but I like it because in some of these finest moments I believe comes out my finest creations


Are these those moments

Those moments where the artist is truly happy with what they put out

The work they poured their bleeding life into it 

The vision they believed that people would understand 

But when presented it’s not 

This is not what people want but you know it’s what you want and you still believe that there are people out there who will enjoy your creation because in that enjoyment there lies that satisfaction and happiness you seek 

So you go out and venture

You put yourself out there

Every raw passion and burning and tired breath into it

Desperate to find at least that one soul who would get it 

You go and try and try 

What happens if you don’t find those people

Do you stop? 

Have you failed? 

Do you need to try? 

Do you have to try? 

Do you give up or pursue until your very last breath believing someone will show up?

Do you die like this never receiving that satisfaction you ache for? 

Or do you like in that sadness you can never get yourself out of? 

Who are you doing it for? 

You! or you?…

This doesn’t stop here. It moves on…

3. The Master

Continued from 2. The Monologue…

I want to be that one who teaches you

I want to be that one who people learn about 

Do you not find it fascinating or tentative or is it just me? 

How to make you understand is beyond my limits 

If you were I, this would be so much easier but where does the fun in that lie?

 

How else will I teach you? 

How else will I be that one that stands out?

Am I the master of this? 

Have I changed the way as to how people look Future self? 

Are the pondering and wondering about these random lines and interpreting them just how I imagined them to be? 

Has my rhythmic flow of randomness changed something or put a spark in one mind or many? 

I want to be that writer where I do not have to fear of letting loose 
I want to let go in my words and lines and not have anyone edit or cut it out
I want to let loose in my words and capture every thought I have and pour it out on to this 

To be continued….

Teaching and joys.

July 17th, Tuesday, 10:38 pm

It all happened as I was watching Star Wars: Episode 5- The Empire Strikes Back. It all happened in the blink of an eye. The question was popped up after a few moments the movie began.

A few moments into the movie, my mom pokes at me and tells, “my friend, asked me if I was on Instagram”, and well it got her thinking and finally, the moment happened!!

She asked me to make an account for her and teach all the basics and tricks. I have been begging and nagging my mom on making an account on Instagram and finally, that day has come!!

God how elated I was!! I was over the moon!!

I dropped everything all at once and went on to help her in this mission.

The joy and the curious look on my mother’s face was the world to me and my heart melted with joy and overwhelming cuteness when I saw my mother trying to learn the world and how everything she loved was in one platform.

We took it a step by step. I taught her all the basic functions of what each thing does. We followed all her favorite actors and things that she loved. We followed her friends as well. She was extremely happy and delighted.

A quick learner, in fact, she is. ( PS: Why does this sound like something Yoda would say? :} )

It was cute on how she got scared when she saw new follow requests. She looked up to me and told in a cute childlike manner that she got scared and did not know what to do.

At that moment, I felt like the mother in our dynamic and told her to be calm, think, and only be friends with people who she knows. I held her hand, kissed her forehead and told this was all a part of the process.

This learning process continues tomorrow as well.

I find her curiosity and surprise adorable and god in moments like these, I understand that there is so much out in the world that is new to her and I can’t wait to be the person to introduce her to all of it.

Every now and then, she checks on her phone, laughs, and giggles at the posts she sees. I can’t help but be softened by this.

Is this how feeling proud and happy feels? I think so.

My heart is all fuzzy and warm. It feels nice. Was this how all my mentors felt when they taught and shared knowledge?

I guess it differs to everyone. Like Corey Matthews once said, Teachers are the foundations of this world. I do believe it, because behind every student, there has to be come teacher who inpsired them to take what they are doing now or or atleast they might have inspired them in some way or the other.

If not, I do understand it.

Moments like these make me happy and are what I live for. Moments like these reassure me, even if today was a simple and a basic task, teaching is what I want to do in the future.

It gives me joy, happiness and I can’t wait to impart knowledge and be that teacher who brings new ideas to the class. I already have planned a list on what kind of a teacher I wish to be and there are also a list of teachers who inspire me. I have always taught students and kids and I know I can be a good teacher. This topic is for another post, someday.

Right now, All my mind can even focus on are on my mom and her immense happiness!! I am so proud of her!!

Now I have got to get back to my movie and poor R2, I love that robot!! Yoda and R2 tho!! Hillarious!! I love Yoda, Gawsh I love the robots, Chewbacca, and Yoda so much!!

Farewell and until next time!!