Last few seconds

If only you had these last few seconds to live, what would you do?

I would try and make it count . I would try and see the world for as it was and remember this sight infront of me

Be it bad or good, I would like to make it memorable 

I would drain out all my thoughts and for once remain in the silence that these few seconds would give me before I pass on to an oblivion, an after life or perhaps the end. 

I would try and not cry over the time I wish I could have had

I would try and not cry over the possibilities of doing more with my life if given more time or with the time I was given

I would rather accept and believe that I have tried to live a great and happy life with its given take of sorrows

Maybe I would relinquish to the thoughts of what could have been 

Maybe I would go down the path of sorrows and misery 

Perhaps I would question the eternal Gods and spent my last few seconds arguing 

Or I would just slip into a memory so good that these last few seconds will help me live in them forever 

I do hope I take on an other life in a new beginning. I don’t want my mark to end so soon. 

I am afraid for my life to end. I want to keep living in this world perhaps as a different being the next time. 

I would never know how I would act until I would be placed in the apocalypse. I can come up with a mulitude of hypothesis but I wouldn’t know which one of it I would live out in my last few seconds.

Everything might turn out to be okay, I am not sure how I know or why I know.

I hope it will be okay.

Inspired by the movie Source Code 

How long?

I go to sleep with tears rolling down my face making its way to seep into the pillows

I have drenched myself into a beautiful melancholy of sad music. As each tone begins to play, I start to associate different moments of sadness to it.

I want to go back home  A home filled with memories and moments I lived happily in  I want to run through fields of time and spend each moment getting lost in those fields. 

My heart throbs and pounds  It races and runs out of breath  My mind races to help but it too gets stuck in its own quick sands I do not struggle with getting out, so I just accept my choice to sink. 

The thing with getting out using force is that you never free of yourself from what you feel You are abrupt with the escape  You are not closured You leave it and move on…

When it comes back later, it comes with a powerful wave and knocks you down again but  this time, it promises to be stay there for longer and will make you feel everything you once forgot to allow yourself to feel.

I am so confused  I want to cry endlessly  Every moment that once scared me is coming back to haunt me Every moment where I spent nights crying inside my mind is coming back to suck the tears out of me.

The grudges that I carry inside me, I do not anymore I am not proud of those grudges  I want to feel liberated but how can I when people think so wrong of me? I want you to be happy, person. When I speak of you, visible moments of hate present themselves but my grudge does not continue to lament.

All I know is that I have a feeling growing inside me, a feeling to be loved I want to engage in acts of love without having to think about next day’s and regrets I want someone to be beside and hug me, placing sweet and sensual kisses on the side of my neck while telling me everything is okay.  I want to drift into the unknown with him.  Why would anyone ever love me and for what? For just one long second, I want to act without having to think about consequences.

I want to cry  I want to cry and pour my heart out I am doing everything I can to make this happen but nothing seems to work. Instead, I have this anxiousness building up and I have no cracks for my tears to come through 

How long will I have to cover up the deep gnashes cutting me so that others won’t judge us all?  Why hide the truth when everyone knows it but it can’t be brought to light because the world would look down on us?  How longer would I have to care? Why care about the world at all when it is our lives being lived? Give me an answer and I will remain silent  I do not want to be a pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good.

It is not easy growing up because more feelings come into play and sometimes there is no way to comfort them  My imagination cannot always fix it for me  That very imagination wrecks my soul.

Feelings create poetry  Sadness creates beauty 

How long can I convince myself to deny the  thing that fixes a part of my life because of the consequences that come with it?  I seem to be loosing at everything I care about. 

As I get ready to sleep onto my pillow The stars in my sky fall down leaving a canvas of black  My sadness says goodbye letting me rest for tonight promising to invite itself back again for an other time

Until then. 

Dreams

I am a fool for dreams. I am utterly and completely obsessed and in love with dreams.

Dreams are like a comfortable dress, they are laces of wavy soft fabric stitched onto my mind. My dreams are like cloths of different colours layered one after the other making it very flowy and intricate.

They are like a hot air balloon that I hop on to so that I could see the magic of the land above.

I hold on to them and they let me fly into a world that is filled with fantasy.

Dreams are both a curse and boon, sometimes you can chase after these dreams hoping they might turn true eventually or you could just chase them and live in the fantasy and not accept the truth or you could just quit it all and move on to the next dream.

I have dreams, I like to dream. It’s like being in a movie when I am asleep, or going off to a different universe where time works differently altogether. It’s a nice concept.

There are new and familiar faces in my dreams and there are new, horrifying, creative, passionate and unique stories out there that are waiting to be played as soon I go to sleep.

However there are some dreams that often have the same theme going on and on over again. Why? I guess it’s your mind and heart telling your deepest desires and knowing myself, I guess my dreams are the only method to work those out without any complications and repercussion.

Sometimes I do talk and have these cries and screams in my dreams. These are the signs of my nightmares. In very few instances, I do remember my nightmares but many of the times I possibly cannot remember what caused my terrors during my sleep. I seem to wake up without any recollection of what happens. There are times when I am aware of the fact that I have cried and screamed but the others, I am not. I am only aware of it when someone comments about it which then catches me off guard because I can never remember what I dreamed about.

Then there are these dreams that only happen once but they seem too real and you start to question if these dreams are memories supressed down that are now resurfacing up. These type of dreams are the ones where I can’t distinguish whether it was reality or just a dream.

Then those dreams happen where everything is heartbreakingly beautiful and perfect. The story in these dreams are seducing and alluring. The details are perfect and you remember everything even after days and months. You couldn’t be more satisfied but you wish for a continuation because either you were woken up abruptly or you just want a continuation to this story, to see what lies more.

It is an agony being awake after dreaming of it. You would and will want to do anything to go back to them.

So one tries anything, and I mean anything. I have tried to recreate the same scenario by imagining every detail as it was with nothing changed. I imagine the ending in my mind and then try to convince my mind to somehow incooproate this into the continuation of my unfinished dream, but it has never once worked. I always land up with a different dream instead.

I have also come up with various ways on how it would end or how I could continue it without dreaming but none of it as good as dreaming it.

Those good dreams, I feel they are a privilege that has to be earned.

Don’t you ever wish there was a machine to capture all these dreams that you dream of and then you can watch them later like a movie or be able to dream of the continuation in your next sleep?

Why does one dream? Is it a way to indulge into fantasies that reality cannot deem to offer? Are our dreams the actual lives that we live, when we dream, we go to that world and we live our orignal life and the life that we lead when awake is sort of a stimulation run by someone else?

Or are dreams a sort of drug injected in us by aliens, by humans or by any other creature as sort of an experimentation or do they need us to be in heavy slumber and dream so that they do something to us or the world without our knowings?

An other theory of my dreams are that these unknown faces that I dream of, what if they are actual human beings and we all are somehow being put in the same dream by a force. I see my side of the story and they see thiers, what if we are meant to connect all the peices of the story and the dream to find something?

Why are our dreams being interrupted? Is it because we are capable or on the verge of finding something that is not meant to be found?

How do we know that these lives that we lead now are also dreams? I have a theory that this life what I lead, these people I know, these expereinces I am going through are something that has happened in the past or a sort of stimualtion. When in reality, I am in a choma dreaming of all this.

I end all of this now. I depart off to an other world, to another time to dream and you might find me writing my stories there.

Until next time.

What to do?

As I am writing this, I am completely bored and I thought why not do some piece of writing to take my mind off from being bored.

Today is the day my summer break has officaly started. After weeks of intense research for my essay then going on to writing 3 essays that are 3500 words each, then crashing and having breakdowns; I have finally submitted everything before time and well I am done with it all.

So my summer break has begun because I do not have exams. This whole month, I had a routine set for me. Get up, do research, distract myself a bit and then get grinding. That was my routine and I was so heavily involved with it. Now that it’s gone and over. What do I do?

There are three days left for me to go back home, so these three days left here seem like an eternity, but then it got me thinking, I would defintely have to face days like these in my summer break because that’s going to be three months of free time without any stress. Well there is going to be massive stress about worrying for my results but other than that no stress.

So before leaving off to my summer break, I have one whole day dedicated to doing errands and exploring Nottingham again before I leave for summer break.

Honestly I have just been on my laptop and my phone for half the day and I am not going to be a type of person who says do this – do that because I am realtsic with the options I have and I know what I am capabable of. I am not going to be that positive inspiring sunshiny person but be realistic and see what I can actually do.

So that is what I am going to do during my summer break or atleast try to do.

So what to do indeed?

Write more and discover new aspects or just go with the flow of writing.

Try to read more because reading helps with the vocabulary and is a chance for me to explore and incooporate new worlds into my life

Watch a lot of Youtubers and Youtube content to live the lives of interesting people in other countires

Explore Singapore because I have heard that place has quite a lot of things to do

SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY rather than spending all of it on the laptop

Write by the pool and listen to music, it might evoke some new inspiration in you

Watch loads of movies because summer break is the only time you get to do so and also watch shows as well

Listen to music, lie down and contemplate

Sleep, because sleep is worth every bit of it

Buy games in the steam summer sale so that you can play games and have fun and make up for the fact that you have no friends in Singapore to hang out with

Sometimes it’s good to make best use of what’s around you rather than going and chasing objects far within your reach, but that does not mean you give up on them. Maybe right now, you just don’t have the resources for it, so you can dream on and wait for it to finally happen someday

Write a short story about anything you want. Who cares if it’s good or bad. Do it for yourself and explore where your writing can take you

Try vlogging, you might like or it or you will hate it forever but I think you might like it considering how much I like ranting and well being on camera but not in the attention seeking sort of way

Discover more music on Spotify

Try changing some aspects of yourself, things that you are not a fan of. Keep this summer as a self love/discovery challenge for yourself!!

Live more

Somewhere along the past…

( I do not remember when I wrote this, but when I read it, I knew this was me at one stage in life, probably around last year or might be in 2017 and I was helpless…

When I am stuck in moments like these, words pour out of me without myself putting any thought into it. I write and write until my heart and mind are pleased or relieved… When I later read those pieces, I am often astonished by the depth, seriousness and introduces me to a new side I haven’t met before. This side of me stays hidden and comes out when I am in deep thoughts or stuck in moments where everything fails except for words…

I have never felt more like a stranger to my own self when I read this.

I have decided to post more of these and express myself more for myself… I do not want to hide behind my fears… )

 

What has become of me? Right now at this very moment, I am confused and in a dilemma at all times. I am in a tough spot some of the times, maybe the majority of them. The world and the people in it are all a puzzle now. I seem to not understand what makes me me. It all seemed so simple back then, what happened now?

I can assure you it’s not life what has happened. Something else has changed and I can’t seem to put a finger on which part of the equation I have to fix in order to get out of this hole.

It was all easy a few moments before and now in the blink of an eye, I seem to be standing at no crossroad. I now stand at a path with various disruptions and continuations to many other paths. These new places and people confuse and intrigue me, reinventing myself at this point is not what I look for right now.

I feel like I have changed for the good in some aspects of myself. Change is a risk.

I would like to think it’s been good yet a tough ride to self discovery and achieving. I am honestly tired of it all.

Everything is a constant change.

Never have I felt more alone and complete at this point. I feel vulnerable yet strong somewhere along the lines.

I tend to finally feel at peace when I listen to songs that my soul cries out to in the nights.

Solace and quietness is what I look forward to now.

I feel like I have been real this entire while but there is also a constant void and lost sense of feeling that always lurks around. This feeling has partially consumed my body.

It won’t take too long for it to completely dissolve within myself.

I have brought out these new feelings in me which I am not used to. For the better or the worse, I do not know.

The most beautiful heartbreaking feeling in this universe is to keep all those pouring soul tearing emotions and thoughts in.

I want to tell it out but I don’t know how and I feel like I would lose some part of myself if I do that.

I have so many contradictions within me. There are so many undiscovered aspects of myself I want to know about.

Home has now become a confusing word. I feel nowhere at home except in the arms of my mom.

I wish I could hold onto everything that I love and not let it go.

I am tired of questioning myself. These questions now seem to wear me out.

Insecurities, fears, doubts have now established as a strong foundation in this body of mine and the process of discovering who I am beneath all this is in its works and is a long way.

There is a void in me which I don’t know how to fill

After all, Nothing is ever as it seems with me.

Why do time and life have to get in the way of it all?

 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

The Last Day of 2018 at Nottingham

13th December 2018, 1:00 AM

 

Sleep refues to potrude and take over me, what do I do at times like these? I take out my laptop, watch a few shows, listen to some music especially to Panic! At The Disco because they are love, and they are life.

 

Now it’s 10:40 pm, a few hours left to go

I slept for a few hours, after I started to write this post. This girl needs her sleep. After my sleep, I woke up, did my laundry, changed bed sheets, cleared out the garbage and fridge, cleaned the washroom, vacumed the floor, ate food, slept and now continuing to finish this post before I leave.

Looking forward to 2019 because too many exciting things are happening, which I will tall about later in my later blog post.

Right now, I am going to focus on my feelings on the last day of 2018 here, at Nottingham, a place that feels like home now thanks to the “good group of friends” I have. I put them in quotes because, inside joke…… And if my friends read this post, they will kknow about it. Now I know whether you read my posts or not.

So, getting back to my feelings. I feel a bit nervous and very excited to go back home. Why does it feel werid tho? Going back to your own home. It feels like such a long break and then you returning back to your home is a whole sort of process in itself. The whole nervous, anxious bit, the sadness of leaving your friends, the journey and the airplane ride in itself. It is such a pain but it’s worth it.

I try not to think about the time that I have to come back in January because I want to be more of the version of myself where I do not want to worry about every worrying moment of the future, I want to live each day without worrying about every bit. I want to enjoy and live in the time, at the moment.

It’s a process in learning and making.

So right now, I am excited and staring at the clock real hard waiting for the hourse to go by fast so that I can reach home and then pray and hope for the clock to start working really slow when I reach back home. I want time to go as slow as possible the minute I set foot in Dubai.

 

14th December, 1:30 AM

My Last Day.

I look towards the clock tick and anxiosuly wait for each hour to pass by fast so that I can leave for home. I walk around, pace in my room, listen to some songs to kill some time, partciualrly more of Panic! at the disco and Zayn’s new ablum Icarus Falls. Also killing some time by watching some interviews.

So right now, I feel excited, nervous and ready. I am also relived because I wanted to post this piece before I left and now that I have, I feel free and liberated.

The minute it hits 3, I know that I can’t containt it in me anymore. Just one more hour and I am on my way to the airport and then comes the tedious journey.

I am so ready to go back home.

 

 

Doing it on your own

 

I like doing many of the things all by myself. It’s the time out of the day where I get to be away from the crowd and just be there on my own.

This past week, I had to get quite a lot done, so doing it on my own gave me a sense of independence and confidence that I am alright on my own and I can do it.

I feel that sometimes we need to do some things alone, or try to do them alone. It makes us realize that we can make it on our own.

Sometimes, after an eventful day, I go to this small restaurant that my dad and I went to, sit on the regular booth and have a meal all by myself. It makes me feel happy and at peace. It’s just me. I am okay with eating by myself at a restaurant, that doesn’t mean I don’t have friends or am lonely. Sometimes it’s just what I need.

I like to go to the movies alone at times as well, I used to do that at home. It’s not because none of my friends were there to go to for the movies. Like I said before, having alone time is sometimes what I need the most. I get to enjoy my thoughts and my presence. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy it always. I do it when I feel like I need a break.

I like to take the bus, sit and just take a few rounds. Go to the city and explore and walk around aimlessly not worrying about anyone but me. It feels good to sometimes let go and just focus on yourself at that moment. No one but just you.

Going for walks has also become my favorite way to spend some time alone. It feels nice to walk around with your headphones cranking up to those songs and walking. It truly feels blissful.

 

I feel happy”

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One of my main wishes is to Travel Solo. I want to know how it feels to explore an other country, it’s places and culture on your own. Just you and the whole world left to figure out. There will obviously be highs and lows, but that’s the challenge. To conquer it. I feel that you understand more and discover new aspects of yourself.

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When I feel like I am losing touch with myself or am not happy, I just take some time out, reflect and think.

Sometimes, you want to do things by yourself and not with your friends. You just want to do it by yourself. So how do you get around to doing it? Honestly, I never figured it out. So I do not do it, because doing it with my friends is another sort of experience and a special one and it means a lot to them.

But what if you had plans of the same sort with your other friends? What to do then? Do what feels right and you think is right and the best for everyone and yourself.

 

So I would like to end on a final note by saying that go out and explore the world and yourself. It’s alright if you want to do it with others or by yourself.

As long as you are in the right mindset, happy and free, then you got nothing to worry about.

Different people have their own different ways of living life, it’s good to try new things and mix it up. If you don’t like it, you now know…

You don’t have to do it again

Roshni Marath Jairaj