The Joker’s Naughty Sister

Brought to you by my Nightmares

I have written down every detail I could remember from this one. This nightmare stuck to me the most and also from many of the frightening nightmares, I remember this very vividly.

I made sure I remembered all the details by going over them again and again while trying to sleep because I wanted to write this down. I have been thinking about writing my dreams for a while and this helps.

Sometimes, I think by fixating over these details over and over, the nightmare would come back but it never has. Instead a new one comes every night.

I have put names of the people who were in my dreams by their starting and ending letter of the name in “quotes”.

It starts now…

The dream starts by I boarding the metro to a destination. When I stepped out, it seemed like I was in China Town. I figured so because of the atmosphere, the buildings, the unknown language and the markets. The strange thing was rather than expecting to find what one finds in China Town, I found that it was markets of Harry Potter instead.

The town was abandoned. I was alone. It seemed like some thing out of an apocaplyse but with everything still managing to look fresh.

Each store was a theme related to Harry Potter and this one particular store caught my eye. I guess it was a cafe and outside the entrance were the statues of Harry, Hermione and Ron pointing their wands casting a spell at the store. It was an interesting sight for the eyes.

An unknown sense of cold filled the town and I knew I needed to get out. I felt this dread within. I tried searching for a way to get out. I walked back and forth and around to find a way out.

I don’t what happened next in the dream but now I was at the metro. This metro had connections to the entire world and could take me anywhere. I saw the metro rush behind the glassed doors carrying passengers or something else. I am not sure anymore.

I went down to the platform to ask someone for help and I got helped. I needed to get to Burjuman, a mall in Bur Dubai. I did not know what for, all I knew was that I was headed there.

I stood on the shaking compartment and proceeded to look out at the views outside. It was different but appealing. I saw buildings achieve various architectural feats. Among the many buildings, I saw this one building have the most beautiful stained glass allowing various colours to be seep into the glass building. Those stained glasses had pictures that told stories. Sadly, I did not know what they told.

Now, I was at the airport with my mom and we were in a lounge. This lounge seemed like it was meant for people travelling in an elite class. The lounge was spacious and it had red floors and golden curtains hang. The place gleamed.

There were many tables and six chairs surrounded each one. It was the most fanciest and sophistcated place I have ever been in.

I don’t think I was in the right attire for this atmosphere.

Myself and my mom walked down this big lounge and we find our old neighbours seated at the table right in the middle. It was the mother “M.Y” and her daughter “M.A.L”. It looked like we all were having a jolly time, with choclate mouse on the table for all of us to dig in.

Out of nowhere, this Malayali actor Suresh Gopi comes and decides to sit with us. He sits next to me.

There were 6 chairs at the time, two taken by mom and myself, two taken by the other mother and daughter and one taken by the actor. The other chair was not taken. For some reason I do not rememeber the sixth chair being there but I knew it was. My gut says so.

Suddenly, I find the actor and myself sitting on my chair. I was sitting on a very tiny space of the chair and I was half hanging out but somehow I managed to sit just fine and then numbers of the chair reduced from 6 to 5. I frankly don’t understand the logic of this.

There were 5 occupied chairs but how was the actor still in my chair if the fifth chair were occupied?

The space seemed much smaller and more intimate. I started to panic and with my heart racing out of my chest, I rushed from there.

I did not know where my legs took me but now I was in a small movie theatre hardly with 30-50 seats in it. I saw four of my old high school friends, now who I no longer keep in touch with.

“T.L and J.E” stood on the right side of the theatre while “M.A and A.I” stood on the left. They had concerned looks on their face while watching me break into this paranoia.

I broke down on the stairs. I knelt down and remained there saying to them that I was convinced that I was in some sort of experiment, being controlled, being watched. I was convinced the whole world was in on this. It felt as if I was in a psycholigcal thriller. I was missing the bigger picture, the bigger lie.

Those four people stook there trying to tell something, something in the lines of “what you are thinking is not true, it is nothing of that sorts.”

I was on the main stage now, in front of the big screen, down on the floor. As I rushed towards the door, I found the joker stand. This joker looked different. This joker took the form of Milley Cyrus, a rather frightening version of her. Her hair all tangled in knots, pale white skin, colours of green and purple bled on her face and in her hair. She looked into my eyes viciously with meaning.

In seconds, I found myself spring upright, mere inches away from her face and then I saw what terrified me the most. Her eyes sewn shut. I could see the black thread stitched in and out of her eyes. Her eyes opened.

I was now a few feet apart from her and the Joker. This Joker was now the Joker I was used to seeing in movies. The Joker played by Heath Ledger and then beside him stood that being.

I do not know if you know this, but there is this black board above some of the movie halls that show the movie they are about to play or the ongoing movie in that hall. That board appeared above the movie screen and showed the title “The Joker’s Naughty Sister.”

I was watching all of this behind my computer screen, watching the other me. It felt like I was watching a movie but it was not. I knew that being beside the Joker was me. This connection was personal and intimate. I felt it.

Then I screamed

Dream Over

I screamed for my mom. I called her name out loud. It was as if a demon was being exorcised right out of my body. My mom came by my side and comforted me like always.

She was used to these nightmares of mine. I have them almost every single day and in every single day, I cry out for her name. Most of the nightmares, I do not remember what happened but this one, I did. I do not know why.

Every nightmare, I scream for my mom and in some of them, I wake up in terror. I do not know why I get these. I wish I knew.

I tried going back to sleep but the moment I shut my eyes, I saw the stitched eyes looking back at me. Every time I wanted to close my eyes, instead of seeing darkness, I saw those eyes.

So I opened my eyes out of fear every once a while to get that image out of my head and then I slept.

“The Bucket List”

What is a bucket list? A list full of dreams that you want to do before you die. 

For me a bucket list is a list full of goals that I want to achieve before I die. 

The word bucket list carries a sort of magic that makes it so perfect and dreamy. I want a bucket list to be not dreamy. Instead, I want it to be as realistic as life because I want to believe that I can achieve these things on my bucket list. 

There are some wishes that I want to add but I don’t think I can ever see it happening. So when I am sure of it, I will put them or I will do them when I feel it is right.

I do not want it to be a list where I will not regret not doing any of the wishes I have. I want to do everything I wish in life rather than writing it down on a piece of paper and then proceed to decorate it with all the fanciness that I can possibly give it.

On the other hand, I could see how displaying all my goals on the fancy piece of paper can give me the creative drive to chase put in hard work to these goals so that I can make it happen. 

I am so very conflicted with the idea of a bucket list. If I give it the special treatment it so calls deserve, I shall find myself in despair when I do not see a dream come true from it. 

I would not lie to you by saying that I have not mentally notes all of the things I would like to do. I would say that not noting it down on that piece of paper made me forget some of the things I wanted to do. I wonder if me forgetting some of these things somehow diminshes the value and desire of how much I want to do it.

So here I am confirming to the norm of creating a bucket list but with a twist. So here I present “The Dream and Goal List”

The thing with this list is that these are the things I wish to achieve not just because I am going to die someday but I want to achieve it for my own and I believe this is going to help in my growth as a person and it will make me happy. Achieving this would mean I have done something greatful in my life. It is with time that some of these goals would be achieved and I am ready to do anything to achieve them.

I will make sure I achieve each of this not before I die. I will achieve these goals because I want to not because of the fear of death. I want to make my life worth it.

The dreams and goals list

  1. Do my Master’s and PHD
  2. Get a job as a university professor
  3. Live in London or anywhere city like with a killer apartment
  4. Make a solo trip to anywhere
  5. Travel as much as possible with your mother
  6. Do a road trip and listen to those playlists that make you feel all the emotions
  7. Honour promises made to myself and to everyone
  8. DO Skydiving
  9. Learn how to drive a car and ride a Motorbike
  10. Buy a car, probably a jeep so that in the back you can sit there and watch all the sunsets
  11. Get the tattoo you planned when you feel the time is right
  12. Visit New York, The Northern Lights, Scottland, Spain, Greece and every place that you ever dreamed of
  13. Buy a light saber and also the star wars robes or droid
  14. Have the best day in Disney World and Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge
  15. Try all kinds of food and also the famous must try ones
  16. Go for artists concerts that you like
  17. Invest in experiences and memories
  18. Watch as many movies and shows possible
  19. Keep writing
  20. Keep discovering
  21. Keep on adding to this list whatever you want to do

Thoughts in the sky

In the admits of the clouds flying and soaring high amongst different shades of colours. I see all possibilities of a happy time but none can comfort me at this moment.

Right now I am in a moment of nervousness and sadness. Even if it was coming to Dubai for 4 days for an urgent matter, it felt out of place.

I should be happy going back to home for at least a small time shouldn’t I, but then why am I not?

 

The night before the journey

I was afraid to sleep, so I drank a cup of coffee and I usually never drink coffee because I have always found a bitterness to it but now that was what I needed to stay awake throughout the night.

I spent the night watching 3 of my favorite movies and eating snacks.

I took a puff to calm myself down, and it helped for a bit but then I fell back to the same old system again

It took me some time to adjust myself to the routine I made for myself. I was interested to go for my classes this year because I got to choose the modules I wished and wanted.

I was interested because I got into a good volunteering program and it upsets me to know that I won’t be there for the first meeting of the project.

I did not want to leave the life and my friends just for four days that would disrupt my whole life pattern.

I was trying to be happy, going back to my mom, that’s one bonus I am acquiring and her home made food, but I still am not calm about it. I also had the chance to meet two of my best friends after a long time and I got to admit, this was the best highlight.

And I know once I reach, I will find it hard to come back to Uni because that’s just me.

Once I land Dubai, I know it’s going to take everything in me not to fall apart and wish to stay there for as long as possible. I would wish and pray for those 4 days not to end and on the day of departure, I would be a wreck and I need to start adjusting myself again.

This is the process that I hate and absolutely despise.

But I find myself ready to come back to Uni, I am preparing myself.

Not to cry, not to fall apart. That’s the power of home, once you even take a step into it, you are gravitated right into the center and it would take all your wits and mights to break free from the force.

 

 The moment the plane landed in Dubai 

I knew the timer started to set for my return to UK and that’s the hardest part but now I am calm with it

Listening to some good songs helped me out and whilst I am here I am going to try and not focus on that

Uni ain’t that bad and I am finding it really lit and happy this year,  and I can finally call it home because of the place and the people who made it special but, there will always be that but.

 

The day to leave

A few hours left to go.

I am feeling alright, not great but exisiting and being alright.

I am excited to get back to the routine that I have made for myself. I am eager to study, be with my friends, make notes, be in my room and have my alone time.

At the moment, an overwhelming surge of sadness and heart break has taken over me. Leaving my mom and Dubai never became easier.

But this is all for the best.

 

What we go through now, it’s all helping us prepare for a greater change and life. All these emotions, feelings and changes are my lessons. I am trying real hard to be the type of student who learns from it and use it at some point in life. Or just learn and deal with it for the fun of doing it.

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

Amidst​ all the books.

I entered into a beautiful trap. It was a trap right from the start. I knew it but I went in.

At the entrance, it gave me a chance to let go of my worries and I hastily took it to enter the world of words.

Far away from all the crowd, I spotted a small bench and sat down amidst all the books. Every story looked towards me. Everything was within my reach. I felt at peace.

The covers of the book charmed me. I read them front and back. I felt excited!

I  looked and gazed at all the wonders the authors left for me. I fell into an enchanted trap.

Amidst the crowd, I held the two books that caught my eyes.

I sat down in a spot, far away from the eyes of the crowd. I gently opened the first page, admired it, flipped each page and thus I began to read.

After a short while, I looked up at the world around me and I saw it all.

Different worlds under one roof. Any book that I held in my hands, refused to let me go. I refused to be taken away from my world.

Once the thoughts tried to make its way back, I started to get back to my reading. The music played soothed me, yet I got worked up as each page turned by. Time seemed to halt for a long pause when I was here.

Hours could pass by and I never was aware, because it was all a part of an elaborate scheme in works. It was all a beautiful trick, a trick of feeding on my emotions until the very end.

I was oblivious to the happenings of the world and the crowd around me. This was a world where I was persuaded and allowed to take breaks from life.

Perhaps this was why it played its tricks, it could have been its way of acting out on the pain inflicted on taking some of its heart away. Or it wanted some of its heart to be taken away. It might have enjoyed it.

Two sides existed, one can never know which one it chose and which one it was forced to end up being. Or it could have ended up with its favorite choice as well.

This was a world where manipulations and trickery were at its level best and it worked its enchantment quite well.

Those who survived had a gleaming pride on their face because they got to take a huge portion of this world’s heart with them, and for those who couldn’t as much as they liked or couldn’t at all had their hearts toyed with, they had a sliver of hope yet were dismayed.

Over here, hope existed despite all the pain.

Despite all of it, this place took away my worries and sorrows.

It became a place to indulge my mind and heart with the world of others.

It was a place that took me to places further and beyond within and from this spot.

It soon became the time to leave.

The moment I stepped out of the exit, I was forced to head back to a world of ruins and mind succumbing thoughts.

To help cope up, I brought a part of it along with me. It wouldn’t last long, but I accepted it and held it in my hands. I kept it close to my heart vowing to never let go. I sniffed the pages and instantly, I was brought back to a world of beauty and tranquility.

I was a lost traveler until I stepped into your world. No questions arose when I came to you. You are a force that kept pulling me to you and I vow to always be in that loop.

Thank you and until next time.

( The featured image is taken by my dear Friend, Raveena.

This is one of the bookstores I love going to. I wrote this when I was here sitting on one of the spots with two books in my hand. Bookstores and libraries are where I feel at peace and at home. I have this dream when I own a house, a room dedicated just for my books and to every book out there. A room filled with treasures overlooking the view of the skies and tall scrapers and at night, I see all the city lights within the comfort of a book in my hand and some good music. )