Stranger

Hey Stranger

I have all these people around me. These people who love me but I can never find myself to talk as openly as I would like. There is always a wall that will stand between them and me. I build this wall and refuse to climb over it or let anyone break it down. When times comes, I might let the right person break it down or I will.

I subconsciously always refrain myself from telling you all my truest feelings because I don’t want my stories to burden you or I don’t feel comfortable telling them to you no matter how much I love you. I don’t know what the problem is, all I know is that I am not comfortable with crossing that boundary.

I hate myself for that, but I also don’t. I don’t think I can remember ever having much open conversations where I have laid out all my true feelings. This does not mean I lie to you, I just haven’t laid out the full picture. I have only given you the icing, the information I think is necessary or the maximum I can give. The whole cake remains, and I don’t think I will let anyone take that entire bite.

When I try to tell you it all, something happens that makes me not tell you. These might be excuses my mind conjures up into tricking not to say to you, but I believe these excuses. I feel like I let you open up completely, but you don’t want to do it for me. Maybe this is just my mind. I don’t know.

If I ever want to explode and spill out all my secrets and the feelings I am harbouring, I think I can only do it with a stranger because they don’t know me. We both are going in with zero contextual knowledge of each other. So I will not be afraid of them judging me or having to worry about how I am burdening them because we might never see each other again after this.
We can talk and talk and promise to never meet each other again until the next time or perhaps move onto another stranger to avoid all the connection with the previous.

I guess I feel more at ease about talking my truest stories or feelings with strangers because, with the people I love, I don’t know how to. I guess I am afraid of thier thought process when speaking to me and maybe of the words they would use to reply back.

It’s too complicated. I value your love, maybe that’s why it hurts. I am afraid of things changing after I tell you about what keeps me up at night. I guess I am not sure if I want to let you in on all my vulnerabilities or my thoughts.

I can’t seem to place a finger on what it is that is keeping me from exploding my secrets to you.
Perhaps it has been in my family and nature not to reveal too much of ourselves out to the world because then that is how they will perceive us, through pity eyes. Perhaps it is the doubt of you taking advantage of my vulnerabilities.
It is never one reason. It is a whole multitude of them.

I have always made up these stories of spilling out everything, having these talks I have always wanted to have with someone. I am not sure if it will ever function in reality, considering I can’t even share the truest of my feelings with my family and best friends.

It sucks, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t seem to do it. It looks so easy, but it is so hard.

When you ask me how I have been, I give answers such as I am fine, which I actually am. It’s there will always be these buried stories and pain with me that I can never truly get out in the open. It’s just there continuing to live alongside my life.
So I keep all this inside me, and I just let it be because that is how I have done and I don’t know anything that could change it now.

So that’s why I talk to you stranger because you know me because you are me, but I can’t even be brutally honest with you too because that would crush us both.

So Readers, I place the burden on you and spill out my secrets to you because it is your concern now. I am not afraid of you because you have become my vessel upon which I can spill onto. You hold me.

You and the world are now my strangers. You will always be my strangers. I tell you a majority of the story but never the whole truth because that’s just how. I hide the truth in lines I know you will never be able to decipher because that’s just how.
So in a way, I tell the whole truth. Sometimes.

Speaking up.

We desire to make change. We desire to make change for the world. We do change the world in some way or an other but to make a change that would impact us to the very core, we need something big.

Let us take our lives for example, we desire to make changes. Knowingly or unkowingly, we do make changes. For the good or for the bad, that is on us.

Just when I think, we are in a different time and an era where we are trying to progress for the good, the world and its leaders are just out there trying to break down the process of making humanity good.

All these crimes against everyone, we speak about it, we voice out our opinions, we do so much but is anything happening? Are their cold and inhumane hearts warming up to humanity?

Yes, things are happening! Moments of strength, bravery and courage has led us this far and has opened new doors to everyone but we still have a lot to go keep going for.

There are times when I think about the most henious and depressing state of our contries and about the crimes that have been taking place since a long time.

It makes you wonder if your voice is reaching out there. It makes you want to pause for a moment and wonder if this is going anywhere. Will anything happen? People have been doping it for ages and what difference is your voice going to make. Everyone has been trying, yet we all are stuck in the same boat just inches away from where we have left. We need to cross the whole ocean to reach at the place we desire.

At the same time, I am proud of us for speaking out and uniting against the wrong doings commited by people. When we speak out, we make the world aware of what is going on. By using our voices, we inform and let people know. We should continue to do so.

I admire those people who risk their lives to get the truth out. They are the brave ones out of the lot.

I know there will be times when we wonder if our actions lead us anywhere and sometimes the results won’t be flattering but that shouldn’t stop us because that is what those people want. The moment we give up, that’s when they win.

So let’s keep fighting till we see the change we want to see. Sometimes the fights stop and then a new fight starts. So let’s keep battling throughout our life but let’s also stop to take a breather once in a while.

Inspiration

So I have plunged into a creative rut recently and I am on the lookout for inspiration and ideas. I have quite a few ideas that I have and I know how I can work on it. I do have quite the thoughts that I can pour but that is not what this post is about.

This is about how I get the inspiration to write. Some times, I get inspiration from quite a lot of things that sometimes I deem not of value in my life. I get inspiration from almost everything now but I do not have the patience or the effort in me to write them down, for now.

I watched this movie “The lady in the van” and two of the lines in the movie got to me. One was a line said by the lady that he uses people to write and the second is that ” You don’t put yourself into what you write, You find yourself there.” That in many ways is true.

In the first case, I think that being in these situations out there and not being very well with confrontation, I write about it so that this becomes my peace of dealing with the situation. I find stories in every thing and being. Does this mean that I use people and situations to write what I want?

As for the second one, I do believe that I find myself in what I write. I don’t put myself in it. I happen to put a part of my soul and a truth of myself into every work I write. It just comes out naturally.

Lately I have been getting the inspiration and the passion to write from some movies that have a similar character in almost of them. I am inspired by the writers in the movies and their journey towards their creativity. I like watching it. I somehow can relate to it on a certain level.

If not the movies, I listen to some tunes that I crank up on my laptop. I listen to some indie, alternate music that keeps me going. They do have a tone that always inspires me to write. Their choice of words along with a beautiful symphony helps the mind to create some of the most inspring and artistic works.

If not music and movies, then I simply look out from the window to the world that lies before my eyes. I see everything happening in it which simply keeps me at the most somber state. It is as if I were looking at the night skies that were somber. Watching the world as it is gives me a drive to be my most artistic self. It gives me a chance to be creative and aesthetic. It makes me want to give out something beautiful to the world.

Along with all of the beauty in the world, madness bleeds behind it. To put it in better words, “Beauty behind the madness”. Thank you Abel for the words and the music!

I do not want to write a very lengthy post on where I find my inspiration from. I have written it down in the most simplest of terms that I am happy with. I do not find myself the need to go on and on about how each of these carry the power to inspire me. I believe that the mind is powerful to imagine the rest of the details.