Being Cozy

I woke up to a good day! The skies were clear but now it’s a bit dark out. It’s moody, grey and comfortable; my cup of chai!

Started of the day talking to my mom, dad and grandparents. I had fun! They told me I glowed which made me happy. It was just one of those days where I woke up warm. I laughed along with them in certain memories, was embarssed to hear and be part of some memories but I enjoyed it!

There were moments of sadness in the conversation but today, I chose not to relish in any of that for a change.

I chose not to brood over current challenges and just be cozy today. I decided to read a book, watch a show, listen to some music and go out exploring with my best friend for food!

In many ways, it was turning out to be a “cozy” Saturday I wanted in a long time.

I then started to wonder how wonderful all our minds were, the reason being I remembered a very insiginfcant detail of my dream and I was just curious and amazed by how our minds remember those tiny moments or objects we just saw and then project them into our dreams.

Our mind is a labyrinth streaming many different things, each opening up to a new sense of wholeness or emptiness. A weird labyrinth designed and made for every one of us.

Each thought that I was creating and living it now was aligning up and I couldn’t be more at peace and calm. One thought leading to an other creating a sort of a perfect order in my mind. My system was finally understanding what it means to have your mind in order and learning that a small break from life can achieve wonders to your work.

Later after watching a few episodes, I had then gone to take a shower and came out fresh as the Kerala monsoons. I then opened the blinds and my heart was pleased and in love with the darkness outside my window. The golden lights from the houses illuminated and I saw everything. The green, the hills, the city. I saw it all and I was happy.

I was also happy and excited on the thought of going home. The thought of going back to be with my mom and dad kept me going. Many of the days, it was the sole reason that kept me going through.

I did not worry or overthink over simple things/matters close to the heart today. I treated my mind and heart to a shower which kept its promise in making their troubles go away.

For the first time in god knows how long, I experienced peace and warmth not by escaping into a world of mine but rather into this world I live in.

I want to have more days like these and I also want to know how I can stop doubting myself and be more confident in what I can do.

Today, I believe that I will be fine. I want to keep having that belief now and forever.

Why

Why does my heart ache at something that never had the fullest possibility of ever happening?

Perhaps it was due to the fact that it dangled in front of me like a bait and I was lured into and trapped.

Why does my heart cry out in silence and clutch at the possibility of clinging on to that hope that would make me happy again?

Perhaps it was due to the fact that I had to pass these days to finish of work and find a drive to motivate me to do my life.

Why do I put myself through these days and hope for a miracle to befall and change it all?

Perhaps it’s because I am a fool to believe in the grandeur and delusions that my heart still clings on to waiting for some good miracles to take place.

Why does the universe conspire against me?

Perhaps it enjoys tricking me into believing that my happiness would be fulfilled; but it then snatches it away at the very end leaving me in sadness and despair

I blame it not on the world and the people in it but solely on myself for expecting it to happen

I blame myself for clinging on to that hope and faith of it taking place into action

When the odds are stacked up against it; I still firmly stand my resolve onto that very last hope

But as each day transpires; I find myself being toyed with and not knowing where to stand and what to put my beliefs into

It is the night and I find myself very upset and lonely at how the outcomes have played in

I seek no companionship or love but only the warmth of some warm home food and the comfort of my loving family beside me at these sad times

But they are not here and are miles away, away from my heart and away from bodies…

My troubles are deep rooted and lie in the tangled web of my feelings and emotions for my family… This is a string so entangled in this web that disrupting it would be equivalent to destructing myself and the universe I exisit in.

I bother to not find a way of letting these troubles escape and fall into the hands of my companions as it is of no use…

I have the best of the comrades with me, but why can I not confide in them?

Perhaps a solution even by them won’t solve the fix I am in…

Why bother when the world can’t help or create a solution?

Talks with my comrades help

Talks help but for how long? They are a source of comfort but the pain still resides now stronger than ever without myself ever realizing it…

No one seems to truly understand where I come from or what I intent as I have trouble laying it out for them to understand, see and dwel.

As I struggle to take out these feelings and pour it out here, I find that the ache still tighlty clutches around my heart and the feeling of sadness has made its home in here now.

What use are my efforts to put it out if I am not getting relived of this mess?

Why bother when the world can’t help or create a solution?

What can I do to evade myself out of this glorified pain?

Sleep it off and let it transpire to the next dawn I wake up in.

Let my mind skip on to the other good things of life and try to move on

What I find myself comforting is indulging is into bussum and the pleasures of Satan?

The former was an attempt to humour myself from the the series of unfortunate events I have taken a turn to

I find myself indulging not into the pleasures of Satan as a comedic relief but into the world of movies and televison shows, being a spectre and the observer of an other world helps myself slip away from the troubles I am in now

From one world to an other, oh how I would love to hop around when things go uneasy all the times but alas one cannot do that at all times.

Or wait for the event to happen and then mope around for believing in the chances and the luck of it happening at all, but what if?

A fool you are to believe that good things happen all the times…

Have you not learnt anything my dear fool?

Why does …

Perhaps, let’s not bother…