What’s been happening

Dear Me,

Right now, the world is not so great, and you are losing inspiration and motivation to do things that you love, and you need to do.

Through this, I am attempting to try and get some of my creativity flow through my hands and perhaps watching my words unravel might bring me some joy and make me remember why I started to do this in the first place. 

Let me tell you what’s been going on. 

Right now, there is this “small virus” going around in the world, I have heard its potentially life threatening and apparently the people are supposed to stay at homes and maintain social distance amongst other people. 

It’s officially a pandemic and I am not saying this for the boom effect. It’s actually been declared as a pandemic by WHO. 

If any of you were living under a rock and not aware of this news, I would advise you to still be living under a rock because right now, that is the safe thing to do. 

The most “bizarre” thing I have heard is that they have to maintain hygiene by washing their hands with soap. Have you ever heard of such a ridiculous thing? I am surprised people have started to take this seriously considering such sort of hygiene was not maintained back then, so why now?
Just for this “small virus”. RIDICULOUS. 

Due to this “so called virus”, there are some people rebelling and “I appreciate them”. They are doing what they want by going out and not caring about if other people get it and die. How daring of them to care for themselves! How nice of them to not stay at homes and just wander outside!

I truly understand them because why should one stay at home and inconvenience themselves for caring about other people when they can just go out into the world and have a “wonderful day”! 

I applaud you! 

Sadly, I can’t display such an extravagant feat because my parents have “told” me to stay at home and dare I say, they are concerned about them and myself getting this “virus”. Honestly, I don’t see what the “big deal” is. 

Let me get real with you. Staying at home with my parents under one roof is not easy. Sometimes, I wish I was back in the UK but then the other times, I am glad I am back at home with them.

I just wish I could go out and enjoy but sadly, “I must care for myself and the people around me by not stepping out and remaining in ‘jail’, because that’s the safe thing to do”

How rude! 

Apparently, some of the countries in the world are also on lockdown. This “virus” must be one hell of a “killer”. This has caused people to buy huge amounts of toilet paper amongst many other products.

 I “totally get it”. 

I mean I “understand” why they buy such huge amounts. “Sadly, people who stockpile” are getting a bad rep!

 “I don’t get it.” 

One should always prepare themselves for a big bathroom emergency or for dressing up as a mummy for the next Halloween. (If only we get to go trick or treating, considering there is this inconvenient virus going around.)

The world’s current scenario somewhat resembles the movies with plot lines of deadly viruses eradicating the people. 

I always thought maybe, I could survive but now I am not so sure because it’s not a zombie apocalypse and I don’t think I might even possess the skills to survive a zombie apocalypse. 

If you count watching countless movies and shows and gathering information from it as a weapon, perhaps I have a chance. 

Passing the days at home has now become a task. 

Each day, I am slowly running out of goals or interests to do or I just don’t have the interest to do anything because being confined in the four walls of my room apparently is not inspiring or motivating. Who knew?!

I don’t know if I have a sanity to lose because it seems that I have lost it quite a while back. 

These last few months were quite the worst for my mental state, and I didn’t spend enough time with my friends and I deeply regret that now. 

I wish I could go back in time and change it all. 

When this virus wasn’t around, all I wanted was for was confinement, a good internet connection, my laptop and food. 

With this virus around, I still want those above-mentioned things but also be granted the freedom to step outside into the world and have adventures by myself and with people without the crippling fear of contracting a virus. 

Time is what it will take for this nightmare to end and when it does, I hope not to transgress back into my ways of not understanding the worth of the world and my freedom. 

When a new dream soon starts, I want to make it all count. 

It’s funny that all it took was a “pandemic” to truly realize how much I miss being out in the world. 

It’s funny that all it took was a “pandemic” to truly realize how much I miss being with my friends and family.

It’s funny that all it took was a “pandemic” to truly realize how much I took things for granted.

What’s next?

Your regards 

Me

I think I need help

So as a matter of fact I know this isn’t me 

I honestly don’t remember how to function like I used to 

I keep my brain occupied with everything other than focusing on what’s wrong with me 

I can’t figure out what’s wrong 

I don’t feel the happiest nor the saddest

I don’t feel like talking, if I have to engage in conversations, I shall but I don’t know how or what to talk.

I feel missing but I don’t know what I am missing in myself 

I seem to have forgotten how to function with friends 

I seem to have forgotten how to function for myself 

It’s been like this since a long time 

I have given up on myself but I am continuing 

I am living every day but I don’t remember how I am getting by 

I just get by nowadays 

I don’t know if I am making any efforts because I can’t seem to remember 

It’s as if my body resets my mind as I wake up each morning 

My body resets my mind to nothing and I just fill it with the contents of today 

Then I go to sleep and it starts again 

I have lost myself and I don’t know what to do 

I need help to find my way back 

But how can I call for help when my hands don’t let me do so

Talking to family and friends doesn’t change this thing about me

There is a sadness that sinks in most of the time, at least the sadness made me aware. Now since the sadness has washed over me, a neutrality now sinks in.

Nothing feels the same anymore and I don’t know what feelings to attribute to most of my life now.

I feel as if an alien host has captured my body and seemingly forgot I existed. So, it took over my body and its trying to figure out what to do or how to go by everyday. It is perhaps trying to forget the original possessor of this body. I just feel like a body now.

My goals are a part of me but somewhere in between, I and them seem torn apart for now. I hope I get better.

I say everything is fine everyday and then continue 

I guess now that I have written down how I feel, I can read and realise the extent to which its serious and then call for help 

There are moments in time where both my brain and heart shut down from defeat or exhaustion 

That’s when one should know whatever pain or ordeal the body has to go through, it shall go through with it in peace because there is no mind or heart to break and no mind and heart to feel the bodily pain

The pain of the body becomes mundane and of routine

Every time, as I inch towards my phone to call for help, my brain convinces me it is going to pass away and it does, just to the next day.

It keeps repeating and I believe it.

Update: After a few seconds from posting this.

I think I might have made a mistake letting all this out because now I don’t feel relieved that I have shared this out. I guess I would I have preferred this to be kept in secrecy.

Today was a beautiful day.

The world spoke to me and the day invited me to seek and soak out the sun and everything it touched

“Get out!” it screamed and that’s what I did!

I have been living in Nottingham for quite some while and it was the first time I had heard of Night Lights- a celebration of lights and art! 

There were many events being held in different parts of the town! 

It was only very few times that one would come across this celebration! 

So, I took the chance and it gave me a reason to go out and explore! 

A reason to discover and to connect! 

An event that caught my attention was one organized by the Green’s Windmill and Science Centre! It offered visitors to view the night lights of the city from a height. My lust for the lights convinced me to go and feast

I did go to the windmill once with my father and we had to climb four flights of steep stairs to reach the top. 

Each step to the view that awaited was a step closer to my heart clenching. 

The reason for my heart to cry out in danger were because of the large gaps between each step.

My brain convinced me that I would slip through those gaps and break the bones or my body or my head

So, my father held my hand and helped me face my fear to climb them. 

I trusted my fears to leave me as soon I held my father’s hand who led the way. 

My fear subsided but never left.

Cutting back to the present, I forgot about those steps and went to see the light.

As soon as I entered the mill, my eyes fell upon those cruel spaces between those stairs. 

My fears came back and I almost decided to abandon my quest to see my love, but I took a brave step and started the ascent 

It was terrifying but my feet led the way and my heart dropped further and further. 

Upon reaching each level, I looked out those small windows and let my eyes gaze upon the skies and then stared with awe at the lights twinkling in the dusk

I couldn’t get enough from each floor and the desire to see more kept me going further and further upon the stairs 

It was terrifying with each step and when I looked down at my feet climbing them, my heart and my body shivered but the desire was stronger than ever. 

As, I finally reached the top, relief and accomplishment showered upon me

I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF! 

I for the first time successfully without anyone’s lending hand faced the daunting fear of these god forsaken stairs

However, my challenge did not end there.

I had to come back to the ground and climbing down somehow was much worse 

To see all the huge gaps at one go as you walk down was my doom 

I carefully took all the time the world offered and let my feet step down onto each step slowly as a tortoise. 

The rest was history but I reached the ground. 

I had completed the ascent! 

No matter how small the adventure or challenge is, once completed, nothing can ever amount to the greatness you feel!

One day, one adventure

Many more to go

To capture this state of euphoria, I wrote down my thoughts and I couldn’t be more serendipitous. 

Out of this day came a work of art that I am proud of.

Sometimes, I do it for the words and sometimes, I do it for the adventures. 

Today, I did it for both. 

Dear Emily Dickinson

Dear Emily Dickinson, I come from lands and times where your desires come true. Women do get to vote, but we still don’t have it all. However, we are working towards making the world a place where women and men are equal in front of everyone’s eyes.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I come here to tell you that what your heart seeks does not make you strange. You were just born into the times where no one could ever understand your worth.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish I could have held your hands and tell you how great your words are. I wish I could have held your hands and comforted you.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I believe you, and I would have shared wonderful conversations about literary works. You would surely be surprised at the quality and amount of works that come from my times, and I could hear your thoughts on the works that existed in your times.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish I lived in your times because I would push you into publishing your words so that you could witness the world awing at your poetry.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish you would have taught me how to have a green thumb. You and I could spend infinite time in your conservatory, and I could say I have had the honour to watch Emily Dickinson in action getting inspired from nature.

Dear Emily Dickinson, I do not know if I have would been the companion you truly deserve, but I would have surely tried my best.

Dear Emily Dickinson, if this world’s techonology would have been made available to you, you would have been an internet sensation with your poetry. On Twitter, you would be considered a sage and a savage. On Instagram, you would gain millions of admirers for your poetry. In this world, you would be a known as a poet, what you always wanted.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish there were a way that I could tell you about the impact you have brought upon me and millions. I hope that this piece of admiration reaches you, wherever you are.

I like watching food related movies and here is why

So I watched Chef, the movie long back and absolutely loved it. What’s not to love, food, making food, the journey, the sizzling and the close ups of making food. It was bomb in many ways and my heart always tends to have a soft spot for food related movies and shows.

An explosion of flavours, visuals and sounds are what always brings me back to these movies and shows.

Watching people cook and make these amazing food are magic. It’s science and art fusion. It also includes responsiiblity and organization. I like how Chefs show their immense love for food through their words and dishes in these movies. Food is one of the ways where everyone can just sit together and enjoy putting aside thier differences and conflicts. Food binds us all.

So recently on Netflix, the Chef Show got released and every episode is an aestehtic appeal of different foods, making food and having fun conversations whilst making them.

The dynamic between Jon Favreau and Roy Choi was absoutely bro friendship on so many levels. It was fun seeing them in the kitchen making these fun dishes and god how I wish I could eat and make them.

Roy being like a parent to Jon when cooking and helping him and also sometime undermining him. Hahaha. It was cute to watch and Jon being so curious and inquistive and saying “May I” to trying out new techinques in the kitchen or just following the chef. It was nice to see him so curious and interested to learn and cook.

I personally loved the second episode because the special guests were Robert Downey Jr, Tom Holland, Kevin Fige and the Russo Brothers. It was perfect and being an avid lover of food and Marvel, it was perfect.

There is also this one episode where they make the iconic dishes from the movie Chef, that Jon did. Watching them recreate that, oh my holy god. It was the most visually appealing master piece I have watched and watching them make that grilled cheese sandwich, it was bliss. I have tried to make it so many times but fail every single time.

The above clip is not from the show but from the movie. It’s the fast pace action that takes place in their food truck is what I like. Assembling of the sandwich, that melting of that oozing cheese. Oh my and that crunch. Ever since that, I have always been in hunt for Cubanos.

This grilled cheese sandwich is all what I aspire to make in life. Listen carefully to that sizzle when he places that sandwich, look at that golden browning of the bread making it so crusty and crunchy. Crisp on the outside and soft, tender and gooey in the inside. Who does not love a grilled cheese sandwich?

When he cuts the sandwich with that knife, hearing that perfect crunch is the most satisying thing ever!

What I also loved so much about this show is that before making this dish, they reveal what they make. That is present in all the cooking shows but what they do with this is that before making this dish, in a small animatiaon, they deconstruct this dish and show the ingredients that make up this dish. It’s a 2 second clip of the deconstruction of this dish and putting it back together. It just blowed my mind to be honest.

It was enjoying to watch and such a good way to unwind. The only disadvantage of this show was that it made me hungry so much and I only wanted to eat those food and nothing else.

Moving on to my favourite cooking movie of all time, Julie and Julia. What I like so much about this movie is the connection Julie and Julia share with food when they exist in different times. Through food, Julie shares a special bond which Julie who helped her from her soul sucking job. She does so by deciding to prepare Julia’s 524 recipes from her cook book over a course of an year and she maintains her progress and writes about in her blog.

I guess this is why it’s my favourite cooking movie ever. It has all my favourite elements. Writing, cooking, food, comedy and a good tale.

Julie making these dishes were just so connecting, fun and meaningful to watch. I am going to insert some of my favuorte clips from this movie and you shall see why I like it so much.

Having a good conversation over food, finding your spiritual calling.

What’s not to love about this scene? It’s butter, melted butter. How is this not the most heavenly scene? That creamy melted butter and Julie’s voice and words explaining what unfolds is a complete trance. I also love the fact that she writes about it and she has a way with words which just instantly grabbed my attention and makes me love this movie more.

I am a sucker for words and food.

I am proud to say the fact that I have eaten Boeuf Bourguignon. Its because of this dish in the movie that I took the courage to go out, try something new and I am embraced every flavour of it. I usually am very hesitant when it comes to trying out new dishes but that doesn’t stop me from taking the plunge.

In this clip, just look at that wonderful stew in that pot, the steam arising from it as she pours the wine, her explaining the connection she shares with Julia Child in that moment. What’s not to fall in love with?

And would you just take a look at that raspberry and cream. The pink and white colours blending to create the most perfect and tastiest pink dessert ever seen. I can imagine it being the most creamiest tasitest luxiourus grandest elegant piece of food ever put in my mouth.

Watching her complete her great grand success by making a hearty meal for her friends and husband and for herself is the cherry on top to a beautiful sunade ever known to man kind.

That toast and the monologue that takes place over this scene is so touching and emotional and a grand end to a great movie. Her voice so delicate and touching is what pushes it to a nodge.

Some of my other favourites are Masterchef Australia, The Great British Bake off. I do not mind the competion in these shows but what I enjoy so much again is the creative mind of these chefs in making and desigining their food. How they come up with such interesting takes on food and creating a completelty new dish. That is wow.

An other favourite is Ratatouille. My most favourite scene is none other than Remy cooking Ratatouille. Making a simple food but with putting all your passion and heart into it is what makes it the best and so elegant.

Watching Remy cook that dish, showing how to cook, his plating of the dish is just pleasing to watch and then the critqiue dropping his pen as soon as he takes the first bite. Now that is the IT FACTOR. The food hitting him close to home and reminding him of the good memories, watching him enjoy every bite of it and not resisting it’s power. He takes a break from his mean cold persona and just relishes in his food forgetting about everything else.

That is what’s called Being in the moment.

It’s inspiring to watch this movie because it shows no matter how small, big, you are. I like how he proved his worth, his skills and how he took that chance to show who he was.

He was not afraid to chase his dream. That’s a lesson we all can learn and remeber once in a while when we feel upset. Not to quit chasing and working towards our dream.

You can do anything as long as you have the passion and heart into it and also well a tiny bit of luck!

At the end of the day, food is magic created by the Gods and Holy Spirits to cure us from these horrible moments of life. In that moment, when food is there, you think about nothing else. A good time always comes out of food. Food is divine and the people making it are Gods.

I just wish I could just live, sleep and eat food and rest like how the Gods did. What a divine life that would be!

Feeling things

12:00 AM July 22nd, 2018

Quite a day, today was.

Screams of my mom and myself filled the air. The usual.

Emotions were thrown and hurled around.

Pains and misunderstandings were on the minds.

But as night dawned upon us, it faded away into nothingness.

Apologies and amends were made.

We returned back to the loving bunch we were.

Yet somewhere in our minds and hearts, the marks of it are always imprinted.

 

This day, I was made to feel different feelings and emotions from different sources. Every day, I do feel something or the other, but today was different, like some of those other days. 

Reading and watching “Call Me By Your Name” overwhelmed me with emotions. It made me understand more about love and the pains of it. The ending of the movie, it’s raw magnetism, the character breaking the fourth wall with its heart-wrenching tears and realization.

A Netflix movie “Margarita with a straw” made me vulnerable and emotional. I learned about difficulties, challenges and changes.

Again, Netflix does its miracles by throwing me into the jaws of a documentary, “Dark Tourist” I learned quite a lot about the dark culture of different countries and also the dangers of some. A very intriguing and new concept and to watch the journey unfold was quite the enjoyable time. Taught me a lot.

David does justice to the show as well as to himself. I found him to be the type of person I see myself becoming very close friends with. I would say some of the interests are not up my alley, but I wouldn’t mind friends who do it, because I would like to get into the brain and know all their experiences through them.

I also find his accent very energizing, interesting, unique yet calming. Not afraid to speak out what he feels about the experiences and I love the way he is not afraid to push his limits into trying something new. His commentary, never unnecessary, everything just plays out right.

We get to experience a lot through people like them. These kind of people are one of the wonders and miracles in this world.

David phrases it quite well in fact. His words on Dark Tourism is “Escaping normality to stumble onto something beautiful and unexpected. ”

One of the philosophies I keenly and heavily follow. I escape reality and go into my mind because it’s a world created by me to do anything I wish and desire. A world to come into when I am upset, happy, excited and much more feelings.

Out of this, I feel a lot of things, but nothing ever sad.

I am the audience and the actor in this movie of mine.

Something just for myself. A place to unleash my unwanted and wanted thoughts and dreams. 

It’s a world of mine where no one could ever tarnish or bring it to ruins with their words and self. A world just for me to devour.

How much ever I put it into words, it simply isn’t enough to describe how much it means to me and why. Maybe, sometimes no amount of words could equate to the feelings.

Everything in this world teaches us one thing or another. It’s always exciting to learn. A process I hope to never get tired of.