I can do fine or maybe good by myself, but not great

As I was getting ready to sleep, this thought popped up into my mind and got me thinking the above. 

I simply cannot understand how only the nights are set out to get these thoughts from me. How is it that the nights are only capable to question the deepest thoughts man mind is afraid to be alone with? How is that in the nights, I have to confront them?Β Β So rather than going to sleep and forgetting about them the next morning, I decided to sit down and write every thought that came to me.

This is what came to me.

I can do fine or maybe good by myself but not great.

You know what makes it great. It is the family, the friends and the world I live in that make it great.

You give me a laptop and good wi-fi connection, I will be alright by myself. You give an apartment, a job with money, I can go out and travel and live by myself without the need for human conatct to bring me joy. I can spend days just being with it but in order for my life to be great, I need my family and my friends.

The world is a companion that I need when I am alone. I need the world so that I can step out and go for many walks. I need the world so that there is something I can go and discover. 

I need them all so that I can still try and live my great life. I need it all to give me the drive I want and still have.

I am an introvert. I like very specific people and can only express who I authentically am just with them. They bring out the me. With different people, I am a different and authentic self. Some of my friends may not see the side I am with the other people I spend my time with.

That is the thing with me. I guess it can be the thing with everyone. I never show the whole 100 percent. I guess I want to hide that part or maybe I just haven’t been comfortable to show it to you. Keeping that part of myself, just to myself makes me happy. A secret only I know.

I can still live good being by myself in this world but still I need my family and best friends to keep the 50 percent human in me.Β 

I know this sounds selfish, it is all about me, but when you come to think of it, why do we form friendships, why do we love? It is all for ourselves, to make us happy. These people give us happiness and love and that is why we want them in our lives. I like them because I like spending my time with them. Watching them happy makes me happy.

I guess we all are selfish but it is the good kind of selfish. The kind of selfish where we deserve happiness and love for ourselves and the world.

I need them to balance my life.

I need them because I want to shower them with love and I also want to be showered with love.

I need them so that I am aware of life and what is real.Β 

I need them to know what is right and what is wrong. I need them to keep my moral compass alive and good.

I need them so that I can learn all sorts of things.

I need them for many of the memories I want to make. I need them because I still want to live this life of love and happiness I lead.

I need them because they are there for me and I for them. 

I need these bonds so that I am not alone in this journey of life. 

I need them for me. 

I need them to exist. 

Unfinished Beauty

You know what people don’t talk enough about. Unfinished beauty. There is a beauty when certain works are unfinished. You can’t help but wonder how would you finish the rest?

You are left with the power to create the end. It is your mind that has the power to complete the rest. You are allowed to perceive what you want. You create what ever you desire. The power to complete one’s work lies in your hands now. If you do not desire to see it finished, you can also let it be. That is the beauty. It carries infinite possibilites.

However it also leaves you in questions. How would the creator himself complete it? Is there something missing? What if I had finished watching this whole beauty rather than leaving it incomplete? How would the others make of it? What if?

Having questions in one’s mind is good because it makes you want to search for the answers to them but when you don’t find what you seek, it drives you mad.

The thing with unfinished beauty is that it differs in perspective from one to an other. What may seem like unfinished beauty to you may not be for an other. Another thing with unfinished beauty is that very few things carry the grace to make it an unfinished beauty. You can’t force things to be that way. It is in the feeling, the work and the thought proccess.

I find unfinished beauty in certain movies, art, places and photographs. I do not find them in music because in music, I love to hear it complete. Music is one thing in my life I know that will always be complete and would not leave me hanging.

I had a chance to witness a finished beauty become unfinished. It was on the May 23rd, few minutes before hitting the stroke of the 24th midnight, my birthday. It was between those moments, between the past and of the future that was about to hit me when I became an audience to a finished work becoming unfinished.

I was watching the movie Speechless, a 1994 romantic comedy. Watching that movie was like watching every dream that I ever want come true. Every dream that I hope for a great romance. That movie just showed it all and I had never been more speechless by a movie. ( Pun Intended)

The movie had only started at 11 and an hour into the movie, I fell in love with it. I wanted to see how their story ended but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I had to go back to a life where I was turning 20. I had to go celebrate it with my family which I was great for but it made me miss this movie.

Some of you might say I can watch it again and find out how it becomes complete but I have scoured the whole Internet to find that movie and complete it, but sadly I could not find that movie no where. I also gave up on the search because I believe that I will find it when it wants to be found.

However I also believe that when the day comes I find someone I love, I will find that movie and watch the end with them. I guess in my own way, I have achieved a film worthy moment in my life. Completing an unfinished beauty with the man I love.

This is how I witnessed an unfinished beauty. I missed a chance to watch a love story that I dream of not have the ending. I left it incomplete. If I were to go back in time, I would sit and finish that movie but that would mean I would also miss out on the chance to not celebrate my adulthood at midnight with my family.

I guess, even if given the chance, I would probably still miss it because I don’t think I would want to miss a moment of my life to live in the fantasy of someone else other than mine.

Inspiration

So I have plunged into a creative rut recently and I am on the lookout for inspiration and ideas. I have quite a few ideas that I have and I know how I can work on it. I do have quite the thoughts that I can pour but that is not what this post is about.

This is about how I get the inspiration to write. Some times, I get inspiration from quite a lot of things that sometimes I deem not of value in my life. I get inspiration from almost everything now but I do not have the patience or the effort in me to write them down, for now.

I watched this movie “The lady in the van” and two of the lines in the movie got to me. One was a line said by the lady that he uses people to write and the second is that ” You don’t put yourself into what you write, You find yourself there.” That in many ways is true.

In the first case, I think that being in these situations out there and not being very well with confrontation, I write about it so that this becomes my peace of dealing with the situation. I find stories in every thing and being. Does this mean that I use people and situations to write what I want?

As for the second one, I do believe that I find myself in what I write. I don’t put myself in it. I happen to put a part of my soul and a truth of myself into every work I write. It just comes out naturally.

Lately I have been getting the inspiration and the passion to write from some movies that have a similar character in almost of them. I am inspired by the writers in the movies and their journey towards their creativity. I like watching it. I somehow can relate to it on a certain level.

If not the movies, I listen to some tunes that I crank up on my laptop. I listen to some indie, alternate music that keeps me going. They do have a tone that always inspires me to write. Their choice of words along with a beautiful symphony helps the mind to create some of the most inspring and artistic works.

If not music and movies, then I simply look out from the window to the world that lies before my eyes. I see everything happening in it which simply keeps me at the most somber state. It is as if I were looking at the night skies that were somber. Watching the world as it is gives me a drive to be my most artistic self. It gives me a chance to be creative and aesthetic. It makes me want to give out something beautiful to the world.

Along with all of the beauty in the world, madness bleeds behind it. To put it in better words, “Beauty behind the madness”. Thank you Abel for the words and the music!

I do not want to write a very lengthy post on where I find my inspiration from. I have written it down in the most simplest of terms that I am happy with. I do not find myself the need to go on and on about how each of these carry the power to inspire me. I believe that the mind is powerful to imagine the rest of the details.

Writing is grace

(If you would have the time, do listen to this song as you read this, it would create a special touch. Making this post as personal and emotional like me)

It has been one year since I started this small world of mine and I have never been more estactic in my life. I have finally found a way to share years worth of my works and many more to come.

This post is in honour to the passion that started it all. “Writing”

I watch these writers have a way with words. How they take the most simplest of words in thier language and turn into such a delightful art to be feasted upon.

I want to believe I too possess that skill of wooing myself and the readers out there. I want to believe that I too posess the talent to evoke and create emotions and feelings through what I write.

I like having these monologues with myself. The ones in the movie where the writer describes his/her life and the simplest of actions. As I write this I have this voice in me narrating over every bit of this piece. Watching the movie Under The Tuscan Sun gave me a creative inpsiration to write this.

I admire how the writers in these movies have a way to beautifully deliver their thoughts. With a voice so enchanting and filled with the most sincere and raw emotions, it is hard to not find yourself wanting to achieve that same level of grace.

To write is a a holy grail that many have seeked but very few sought have achieved. Having your way with words, stringing them together, achieveing the effect you want to. It is magic that I only dream of.

Somewhere deep in my small heart, I believe I have posessed this skill that I have seeked but frankly I do not know I know this or what makes me think I can say this. It is just a belief, a power to keep us going.

I do not know whose steps I follow or who I am inspired by? I can say that I am inspired by many.

Am I copying a form that has always been there or am I creating a path of my own with what I write?

What I write, do they achieve the effect of truth and originality like I wish for? Do they create a sense of emotion?

I do not know what people want or what they desire to see, but I hope my words and imagination can open up a world with new different possibilites and I sincerely hope that in this world that no one should ever have the overwhelming surge to fill in shoes for a person they don’t want to be.

In honour of one year of writing and more. Thank you all for being part of this journey…

Watching Nature

I got tired of straining my eyes looking at the laptop and TV screen, so I decided to sit this one out by going out in the balcony and sitting on the wooden chair.

I took my phone with me, set it on the table and started to play a playlist as I became ready to stare out at the trees and the building behind it. It was refreshing to look at something other than a screen.

I immersed in the experience of nature watching. I was surprised and fascinated to see different shades of green on the trees. There was all kind of shades and when the sun shined on them, it glistened. I never observed that until now.

I thought all trees and plants had a certain type of green to it, never bothered to look that there would always be something more.

Then I notice the small birds chirping and flying from one tree to another. I never knew there were birds so small that existed. They were so cute to watch, it kind of takes my fear from birds because they are very unpredictable creatures.

It was heart warming to see these small birds flutter around the tree and drink the nectar of the pink flowers that bore from the tree.

I looked at the sky and the clouds and it were as if I was in a Pixar movie. It looked so animated which made me wonder how can this be so life like?

I started to wonder why was nature watching such a unique experience in my head? What made it so special? Why was watching and admiring nature an opportunity such a transformative experience that I had to write about.

A few few years ago, this was normal. Being in the nature, playing outside, looking at nature and admiring it was all so normal and mundane. Before I was hooked onto technology, this was the world we lived in. A world meant to be admired everyday. A world that I looked at but now can’t pay enough attention to.

While I was watching the trees, I couldn’t help but have an itch to write down all these thoughts on my laptop. I was worried about forgetting this experience and just kept replaying every thought I wanted to write about.

I realized this was wrong. This was not me being in the moment. If I had to be in the moment, I had to get rid of all these thoughts occuping my mind and just be there in the moment with nothing else but just a mind appreciating how beautiful nature is and how glad I am to be here. That’s what I did!!

I had to learn that I need not write every thought that comes to my mind and if it slips away, it is okay. If it is worth remembering and writing, it will come back to you no matter what. It’s okay to write about everything and anything but it shouldn’t come at a cost where your life revolves around recording every thought.

I forgot how much I loved watching everything around me as I sit listening to music. I had a few more moments of solace to myself when I was interrupted by my mother who then joined me.

I realised two things then, I liked being alone. I like having a lot of time to myself. I do not appreciate when people disturb my time alone.

The second thing I realized was I was glad my mother interrupted me. We shared a good conversation, talked, laughed and then just sat there in silence admiring the small birds and the city we had an opportunity to live in. I also like spending time with people I care about even if they cause a disruption to my alone time. Some great memories are often made like that, but that doesn’t mean they should do it often. I would still end up liking it and maybe wanting it more.

(Next day after nature watching)

I feel like I jinxed the nature that I admire out in my balcony because they are cutting down the trees now.

Why is it the moment I start to like this, they decide to cut it down depriving me of the simple joy of watching nature right outside? Stepping out and sitting in that balcony was how I decided to spend my time away from the screen and admire nature and the world outisde. All this was to be done in the comfort og my own house and now that was gone.

This means I won’t get to look at the small birds and hear them chirp. I won’t get to watch the sun rays glisten on the leaves. It hurts when something you like is taken from you.

My heart pains listening to the handsaw cutting through the bark. It just keeps going on and doesn’t stop. It doesn’t even pause to let my heart not be upset and get over it. It just keeps going wher and wherrrrrrr…..

It’s not a pleasant sound to hear something you like being taken away by machines. How are machines the downfall as well as the uprise to man’s kind?

There are still trees out but it doesn’t carry the charm it used to. It is not as high and as green I would like it to be but I guess it would soon be something I could get used to.

Choosing these choices

So I have been playing this game “Life Is Strange.” It’s a choice based game where each and every choice that you choose would affect the past, present and the future of the story and that of the characters as well.

I am not avid gamer but with games like these, I love to take my time and explore. I had also played two choice based games prior to those and those are Batman The Enemy Within and Game Of Thrones Tell Tale series.

I remember when playing Game Of Thrones, I felt so much of fury and rage when I witnessed the consequences of some of the choices. I did everything good, wise and I felt it benefitted everyone but as Game Of Thrones has the reputation of being traumatic, I should have seen it coming, but going through it on my own hurts a bit more.

When you make these choices, you feel more responsible because if things go awry, it’s your fault and there is nothing you can do but face the wrath.

This made me think about my life and the choices I am presented with. One choice can lead up to a consequence or a good outcome. Could you imagine if our lives were as brutal as these games? Someone’s life depending on our choice. If it goes side ways, the final ultimum is almost like death or something worse.

Life Is Strange is the game that invoked some serious thinking. It’s a game where you have the ability to use time to your advantage to change the past, present and the future. That power does come with a consequence tho.

Imagine having that type of power and using it to your own will. The things I could do and if I were given two or more choices, how would I choose? It’s a very tough scenario, but imagaine if someone had to choose it for you and you could do nothing but go with it.

What if we could look into the future with choices we have made and then go back and change some of the choices if we do not like it?

What if we try different choices and see where it takes our life to, if we don’t like it, we can come back and change it.

What if there was a time limit to these choices we have to make, if we do not choose within 1 minute or less, it is chosen automatically and then we have to live with it.

Is that how the characters feel? Being forced to play a game they are not interested in. It’s like Bandersnatch, a Netflix interactive movie where you can choose options for the character and they have to live with it with force. The character can’t do anything but go with it unwillingly.

I cannot imagine living life like that but wondering on it, sometimes it would be easier if someone else decides what I can do, so I can just blame it on them if things go wrong rather than going through the process of pondering.

But what fun would life be if it were in the control in an other man’s hand? We couldn’t then enjoy the frivolities of life.

Sometimes my faith shatters and it’s your fault partially

You know what Universe and the Lords

I am disappointed in you guys, why do you have to go out of your way to create disruption and chaos in my life and to those I care about

I am angry at you, I am frustrated because I have no other explanation

I have no one else to blame but you, solely you, just you

You might think as to why I keep writing about my miseries and sorrows again and again.

You might also think all my miseries and sorrows are the same monotnous old regime but guess what, maybe you could ask the lords above to intervine and request them to bring some aspects of change into my life so that I can write about something new

When good times arise, why is it that you have to stick your foot down at that very moment and create a judgment for you to pass upon my life?

I am angry with you but you know my temper would subside down

I just need to vent out and have an open conversation with you.

I might and will blame you but know that, I never mean these things very seriosuly, I understand why you have to do these things, actually I don’t. I think it’s unfair but like the world says the world is unfair.

I will always continue to put my faith and belief in you but that doesn’t mean once in a while I won’t get angry with you when the waves go rough

I pray to you to get matters sorted out, I pray to you for finding solutions, I pray to you to help me and aid me.

Sometimes I hope you can make it easy for myself and the world, I really do. If you are out there, don’t let this world and the good people descend to choas. There is still hope.

Sometimes people say it all happens for the best or it happens for a reason, but when the absolute worst happens, how can anyone mean that? How is there sense to it? Why does it have to happen when no good reason comes out of it?

Why can’t people just say what’s happened has happened or say nothing at all rather than say it must have happened for a reason or some lame universe philosophy. That does not make things better.

I take action for my responsibility and will not blame you for whatever comes from it, maybe I will vent out but will try to understand whatever happened happened and there is nothing I can do about it. I will live through it like always, sometimes it takes longer than usual, but I will pass through it.

Universe, Gods and the Lords, I will always put my unwavering faith in you because you help me and I find calm and solace with you.