In my head

I have these pictures and depictions in my head on how different sceanrios could take place.

Some of them are confrontations.

Part 1

I am not entirely good at confrontations or voicing out something that really bothers me. For half of the time, I ignore it and for the other half of the time, I devise plans on how I could get rid of them or do a mental confronation in my mind.

Not only confrontations, but also pointing out things that people do wrong to me and to people who do it.

Mostly I have been quiet in some of the situations and in others, I do speak out what I feel and think when I feel that I cannot bear it or when I come to a breaking point, or when it affects others.

With some people, it’s not worth it and it is pointless

With some people, it’s hard

With some people, I just go with it

I tend to think about what the others would feel when I would speak out my mind against them. At times, I simply can’t muster up the courage to do so. I am scared and afraid.

So what I do instead is I imagine how it would all go down in my head. In my head, I realese the fury and the rage that I contain. I go to the extreme. That’s what happens when you keep it all in.

This thing that I am doing, I know it’s not healthy and I should speak up. But I feel that for most of the times, my argument and the situation that I am in is simply pointless and not worth a confrontation. It’s petty and silly. In no way, shape or manner, does my self get destroyed but yes, I do obsessively think about it but also I feel that it’s not worth the fight and the argument.

I really need less of that because my whole life has been filled with impending doom and sadness of the past.

But for the ones that I know and feel would take a serious toll on me, I confront it. This would cause certain friendships to break, families to fight or cause a rift. But at the end, removing the toxic effects are worth it.

I not only have confrontations with the world but also with myself. I confront every aspect, every mistake, every thought, feeling and action. I obsess too much on those thoughts at the night and it keeps me awake for a long time. So, I put myself to sleep by either loosening myself into a world of fantasy that goes on in my head or I slowly succumb to the countless damaging thoughts.

 But in my head, confrontations do have it’s appealing yet damaging aspect.

This world of mine is a beautiful treasure kept in hiding.

Enrooted in me. 

Part 2

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In my head, is a place that I can control every factor, starting with the environment, the person and how I can let it move on. That is one of the most splended and beautiful part about our minds and our imagination. We are the sole owners of something so powerful and delicate. That creative process is the most wonderful aspect and immersing into it is a whole other level of high and addiction. Inside my head is a favourite place to be.

One sets out to create a puzzle, falls deeper into the complexity and into the endless void. It really is a wonderful feeling with break taking moments.

I wish I could be trapped in that space forever. Locking myself in my own stories. Living through the creations and of my mind. Locking my memory of ever creating this world, so that I have no recollection of what’s going to happen, but my world knows. I might make choices that would alter the creation of my story, but for a fact, I know that I will enjoy it and know what to do. I want it the easy and the hard way. I want my choices to be given it to me the easy way but I also want that challenge and pain. It’s a habit that I learnt from my life here in the real world, a habit that reality taught me. I  have thought through it all, but I feel that it still lacks a flare, a flare that I can’t pin point to.

I have designed my world accordingly to every desire, dream, challenge, pain, hurdle and also some deaths balanced with the proper mixage of my dark thoughts. I have created multiple worlds, story lines, choices and characters that fit and suit my story. I can jump from one story to an other. My worlds consisit of the ones that I read in books, watch everywhere, listen to and want to experience.

My hidden desires and wishes have always been in me and I have always had the chance to go and do something about it in my world.

It is a world that is so beautiful and extraordinary. A world where all dreams come true. A world to escape into. A world that will always be in the works of making and accomdoating to myself and the changes. A world that would forever change the way on how one lives their life.

 

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It’s a hopeful world, too beautiful and perfect to ever become a reality.

“It would forever become a world that will only cease to exisit in my mind.”

 

 

It was probably meant to be that way since the beginning.

If not, this world would not have existed and I wouldn’t have had the chance to enjoy every minute of my creation.

 

 

 

A week of philosophies, The conclusion.

Day 7

17th September 2018

 

So here lies the end…

An end to all the learnings.

It was a very enlightening experience indeed.

I have learnt some different philosophies of lives and I am happy to say that I have incorporated a bit of each into my life. I am learning and trying, after all I am just a human.

It also feels a bit ovewhelming and tiring reminding myself of these philosophies at each and every moment when things go bad. It gets hard.

So I try to take 5 deep breaths. In that 5 deep breaths, I think and evaluvate, I let myself be calm and not overreact. I try to think before I do or say anything. I think about what I have learnt in this week. It helps me.

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Trust me, I have quite the bit of the temper and a difficult mentality and reaction to changes and I know giving out advice is easy but following them is very hard. But I have to try. I can be equally optimistic and pessimistic. It’s like a balance but I try really hard not to let the bad affect me because it would not destroy me but also destory the ones that I love. We can’t be a saint and a positive goodie tosho at all times, but if it’s possible we can try.  Trying is one step close to suceeding.

The world and the life that I live can have some bad days but they won’t last forever, probably some of it’s effects might, but that’s the thing about life. One can never truly be a 100% happy, but we can try.

I look forward to life teaching me more and I look forward for all the lessons that lie ahead.

This is my last post whilst I am in Dubai.So this week of learnings has prepared me for that ride and journey. Until next time, my beautiful home, family and friends. It’s a tough ride, even though I am completely not up for it, I still do have to go.

It’s all going to be worth it, some day. I can’t wait for that some day to happen, while it may take some time, I am going to try and make the best of the life that I am having right now.

 

Quote to end the day

Some things are worth it in the long run and this ride is. 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

A week of philosophies, Day 3

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about various aspects and views of life.

7 days to learn new, different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

Day 3, September 13th 2018

Today’s philosophy: Stocism

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What is Stoicism?

“External thinks are not the problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.” 

Marcus Aurelius

In simple words, Stoicism sets out to remind us of how unpredictable the world can be.

Stoicism doesn’t concern itself with complicated theories about the world, but with helping us overcome destructive emotions and act on what can be acted upon.

The Stoics focus on two things:

  1. How can we lead a fulfilling, happy life?
  2. How can we become better human beings?

The goal of Stoicism is to attain inner peace by overcoming adversity, practicing self-control, being conscious of our impulses, realizing our ephemeral nature and the short time allotted.

It’s important that we understand the obstacles that we face and not run from them; it’s vital that we learn to transmute them into fuel to feed our fire. But at the very root of the thinking, there is a very simple, though not easy, way of living. Take obstacles in your life and turn them into your advantage, control what you can and accept what you can’t.

To understand more in depth about the concept, I have put down a video that can make you all understand the concept with ease and clarity.

Origin

“Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”

Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Stoicism originated as a Hellenistic philosophy, founded in Athens by Zeno of Citium (modern day Cyprus), c. 300 B.C.E. … The name comes from the Stoa Poikile, or painted porch, an open market in Athens where the original Stoics used to meet and teach philosophy.

Why was I inspired to choose this?

“How does it help…to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them?”

Seneca

We may not always have control of the events that affect us but we do have control over our emotions, recations and ourselves. That is what inspired me to incoorporate stoicism into my life.

I want to learn how to be calm and not blame the world. I want to know how to deal with life at its worst, be understanding and not let if affect me in any bad way, shape or form.

I wish to be calm, positive, think of the best in everything, learn how to not let things get to me easily.

I want to pratice the art of stoicism in my daily life. I want to maitain an inner balance and peace within me.

 

How to practice stoicism

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Some ways that I have found to be of interest and use that could help incorporate stoicism into my life and also yours.

  1. Early morning reflectionFirstly, be thankful that you have actually woken up, many people will not have this privilege today.

    Secondly, plan how you will embrace your virtues and avoid your vices. Pick a particular philosophical precept or a personal strength you want to cultivate and think about how you can incorporate it into the day ahead. Mentally check how you will deal with any difficult situations that know may well arise.

    Thirdly, remind yourself that the only things you can control are your thoughts and your actions. Everything else is uncontrollable.

  2. Meditate and make your mind at ease. Self retreat
  3. Regular self-imposed discomfort. It is, again, both a reminder of what we have and may take for granted. Negative visualization is a simple exercise that can remind us how lucky we are.
  4. You can use a philosophical journal as a tool to discover your own shortcomings and to track the way you change over time. By constant reflection we can improve our current and future life.
  5. The thinking behind this exercise is that every situation has many layers, just like an onion. Each layer represents something that we bring to the situation and not the situation itself. It’s only by considering the core issues without the relatively unimportant layers we add that we can act according to a proper ethical framework. Stop considering your reputation or whatever personal advantage you think you may gain as part of the equation when working out what to do in a given situation. Ask yourself the following questions:
    • What value does this situation bring to everyone? You might be surprised at how many times the answer is “none”.
    • What type of qualities does this situation require? If you have these qualities then great, if not then just think of this situation as a good chance to develop them.
    • Learn from your mistakes is the ideal lesson
  6. Bed-time reflection. Think about your day what has happened. Mentally replay your entire day and then ask yourself the following questions:
    • Did I behave according to my principles?
    • Did I treat the people with whom I interacted with in a friendly and considerate manner?
    • What vices have I fought?
    • Have I made myself a better person by cultivating my virtues?

 

For more info, do check out the below sources!! They do help and provide a lot more in detail

Sources

https://dailystoic.com/10-insanely-useful-stoic-exercises/

https://howtobeastoic.wordpress.com/2016/10/13/how-i-practice-stoicism-the-nuts-and-bolts/

 

Today’s quote to end the day

Objective judgment, now at this very moment.
Unselfish action, now at this very moment.
Willing acceptance–now at this very moment–of all external events.
That’s all you need. 

– Marcus Aurelius

 

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A week of philosophies, Day 2

A week of philosophies

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like, can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about different aspects and philosophies of life. 

7 days to learn new different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

 

Day One, 11th September 2018

Today’s philosophy: Yin and Yang

All things carry yin and embrace yang. They reach harmony by blending with the vital breath.

– Laozi

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Why was I inspired to choose this today?

I was talking with my friend today about darkness, light and all, and he suddenly asked you must be more of a yin-yang person right?

I didn’t know what he meant by it, so I went to the most knowledgeable person in times of need, Google. I searched for what it, and I couldn’t be more wowed. I finally found a philosophy that explains my thought process towards the world, and it’s situations.

I always thought of any situation, there are two sides/forces to it. I never shared it much with people because they would call me a hypocrite or a person who can’t make up their mind. I know yin yang isn’t precisely that, but somewhat I found that I could relate myself to it.

There are two sides to everything, right/ wrong, light/dark and more. How each one is complementary to another. Everything in nature is a balance of opposite forces.

What is yin and yang?

Yin and Yang are one vital force – the primordial aura.     

-Wang Yangming

In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.  Yin Yang is the concept of duality forming a whole.

The two opposites of Yin and Yang attract and complement each other and, as their symbol illustrates, each side has at its core an element of the other (represented by the small dots).

Neither pole is superior to the other and, as an increase in one brings a corresponding decrease in the other, a correct balance between the two poles must be reached to achieve harmony.

The small dots within each of the two energies (represented by black and white) symbolise that there is always some Yin (black) within Yang (white) and vice versa.

 

Below is a video I have found useful. It’s a simple explanation.

 

Origin

The concept of Yin and Yang became popular with the work of the Chinese school of Yin yang which studied philosophy and cosmology in the 3rd century BCE.

The principal proponent of the theory was the cosmologist Zou Yan (or Tsou Yen) who believed that life went through five phases (wuxing) – fire, water, metal, wood, earth – which continuously interchanged according to the principle of Yin and Yang.

 

How I find it useful

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It’s always wise and good to know about different philosophies. This has inspired me to believe in the world, how different parts and forces of my life are necessary and they compliment each other in some way or another.

There is always some part of myself in another energy and that energy in mine as well. It helps to know both sides of our souls as well. Figuring out and knowing our traits and qualities help us to understand and know our soul, both sides to it. It helps us move and figure it all out.

“Accept your dark side, understanding it will help you to move with the light. Knowing both sides of our souls, helps us all to move forward in life and to understand that, perfection doesn’t exist.”

― Martin R. Lemieux

It’s about creating harmony in myself and the world I live in.

We should focus on harmony because we simply need it. Sometimes everything in life is a chaos, and I think we should try to find a balance in ourselves to think carefully and find out where we have gone wrong.

Harmony and balance are keys to figuring out yourself. It’s a beautiful note that could contribute to the most wonderful of music.

 

How to incorporate Yin Yang energy

I am no expert but here are some ways after research that I have found helpful. We all have our own ways, so we should see what suits us best and try to follow it.

I am keen, and I am trying to incorporate a part of Yin Yang energy into my life and some of the ways I and if you want to do it are as follows:

  • Meditation: Take some time to relax and unwind. It’s also the best way to take a break from your phone. We all need some peace and alone time to ourselves, to reflect and think. With some calm music, I close my eyes, think and feel good.
  • Declutter your life.
  • Maintain good health, in all ways as possible. Mentally and physically. It’s going to be a lot of work, but it’s always worth it. Hard work never goes into vain.
  • Fight for yourself. Don’t wait for the world to hand out what you wish. You need to work hard for your goals, dreams and aspirations.

 

A quote to end the day with

The yin & the yang are opposite forces. Yet, they exist together in the harmony of a perfect orb.

– R.A. Wise

Breathing in.

” Never had I thought that the scents I would breathe in would someday become the dire drug my body needed in order to exist and often be used to rejuvenate myself back to life. This was that drug that needed to be taken in your life quite often to know that good and joy still exists. It’s a holy blessing.”

 

Disclaimer: Experiences might differ from one indivdiual to another

It was a normal day. Nothing ordinary out of the blue was going to make an entrance into my life.

Dad was coming back from Kerala, after his short visit. So the whole morning was dedicated to his coming. Mom finishing all her jobs in a panic and hurry was a sight my heavy heart had to witness every day. This routine was the usual dose a morning in this household could have. So far, no screams had been hurled because it was just the two of us for now.

I took my morning shower and then proceeded to help my mom ease the panic and the tension. So the first task of the day was to put the old newspapers out for recycling.

Taking the papers in my hand, as soon as I stepped out of the flat, the scent of the corridors eased my panic and helped me relax.

I was happy, I was the nostalgia happy.

For a brief moment, a short movie based on my memory of the happy days in Kerala played. The scent of the corridors took me back to the mornings of Kerala, at my mother’s place.

It started with a house beside the lake. Early mornings, I could hear the temple sermons and songs. That was how the small town woke up.

Later in the day, I could hear the birds chirp and that’s how I woke up. The curtains danced along to the wind, the sun rays lighted up the room and the breezy cold wind woke me up. This alarm clock was one of the world’s best invention and creation. It was my secret and also that of the town’s. It was solely ours.

My morning started with the scent of the warm milk my grandmother made for me.

Then later, the house was filled with the scent of flowers especially of Jasmine’s. We had a small garden at the back, so when we left the back doors open, the smell of that small garden and of the green plot would make its way into the house.

Soon, later in the day, my grandmother’s cooking would take up the scent of the air and it was one of the holiest smell I could ever remember.

Then as the morning events proceded, each scent would follow and arise from different tasks.

The washing of clothes and hanging it on the open terrace had a different smell of its own. I loved every aspect of it. Whilst hanging out the clothes on the terrace, I was gifted with the view of seeing my small town at it’s best every day till I left.

We always came during the monsoon reason, so when it rained. It was a bliss and an escape from the summer heat of Dubai.

When it rained, the drops that would hit the green trees, plants and leaves had a very pleasant smell of its own. The earthy smell when the rain poured down is a wonderful feeling and emotion. The raindrops danced on the roof and provided music to everyone’s ears.

Going through the events of the day, different smells and scents would fill up my nose and my mind.

The days of Kerala always carried the best scents and memories.

That was the end of the corridor whiff.

Now as I stepped into the house, another scent masked the house.

The scent of nostalgia masked again, something unexplained. Another array of nostalgic experiences masked me again.

The old memories of Dubai and Kerala, the memories of my family was dug deep from beneath my heart and was played in my mind.

The early mornings of school flashed through my mind, my mom getting ready to come along with me to bid a nice goodbye when I step on to the school bus. Then would come the afternoon where the fresh smell of my mother’s food would mask the entire house.

The afternoon naps, the tutions, the night rides and walks also decided to make its way into the movie being played in my head.

Then the good memories of the weekend also made its entry. Early morning fresh Agarbathi’s lighted by my dad and a nice temple song to wake me up.

It always fascinated me on how certain scents and smells could trigger some of the deepest fresh memories rooted in my mind.

What I have always liked about this entire process and creation was that none of the bad memories and events that took place in my entire life made even the slightest of guest experience in this head of mine when these scents evoked my memories. This was one of those experiences that had pure goodness and only contained happiness in them.

Later then, I would start missing it all but I was happy that I had these to cherish and they were only mine to be. I was happy and grateful that all of it happened.

How can those same whiffs of scents be recreated when I am at a place far far away from the source? How can these scents be recreated? Why do these scents play back those memories? How and why are always the two questions I have and I have never found a clear answer to it till this day.

This intrigues me.

Despite all my doubts and quests for an answer, The world is a wonder and so is the universe and the galaxy.

These are some of the mysterious workings of the world that I like and would always want as my constant wherever my life takes me and at any age.

 

Figuring out the stages.

I have met quite a fair share of people in my life and there are many more of them to discover and unravel.

Everything, everyone and I make me think. Do I know people? Have I figured it out?

Down below are stages that I have written about the factors present in my life. An advice to myself and to the world.

Let’s introduce the characters on the stage as we go. We are going with the flow folks. 

 

Let’s start with family and the whole lot that comes with it.

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( PS: Notice how I am using a perfect family picture, it’s because I couldn’t find families that want to rip your heads off. Even the internet is being my enemy by showing me perfect families. )

Family, you got it, You got to accept them for who they are. Nothing you can do about it, atleast in your friendships, you can choose who you wanna be with friends with but with family, you can’t choose that.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong. However there are certain attributes that I wish I could change about them.

This perfect family in American Sitcoms is what that’s ruining me and altering my perception. Always wanted that kind of family and still hoping to.

I have learnt a lot from parents and infact from them, I have learnt the do’s and dont’s of parenting. They inspire to be better parents and to have a good family. ( The reasons are for the best and for the absoulte worst. )

Then comes certain cousins and relatives. Why are they like that? Why can’t they be proud of your achievemnts and not wanna bring you down? Why do they wanna sabatoge everything in life? Why have they been made like that? I have relatives who simply cannot be happy for anyone and they just have to ruin everything. Why do some of them have to be the absolute worst crackheads?

Lesson learnt: Family is complicated and complex. Sometimes it can get a heck load of dysfunctional and sometimes you are going to be a crack head. That’s what family does to you. But I still love them. Sometimes you can also hate your family. It differs from people to people.

Also family doesn’t have to be defined by blood relationships. Anyone can be family. I haven’t found that type of family yet but someday, I hope to find that.

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Moving on with friends.

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It’s a lesson I am trying to learn, not every friendship lasts that long, there are going to be changes and if you are wlling to work through it, it’s great, but sometimes if it just vanishes and you guy’s arent as closed as you used to be, its alright. It’s okay. It will take time and you might wonder what you did wrong or what happened?

But that’s life. People change, friendships change.

On a more happier note, I know you are going to find more friends, more ever lasting long friendships. Don’t worry about it. There is a certain time for a certain friendship and be glad that it happened. Don’t let that put you down. Those great memories will always be there and there is nothing that can take you away from that.

And if you are still friends with your friends from school and uni, that’s great and I am glad that it has happened for you and for me!!

I have learnt that as you grow up, you become selecctive of your friends and that is true. It’s not that anything is wrong with you, sometime’s its just that and there is nothing you can do. You can be more open to finding new friendships but if it doesnt make you happy or you think that it affects you in any sort of bad manner, then you know it’s not worth it.

Lesson learnt: There are some friendships meant to be and not meant to be.

 

The thing down below is for some of the people I know….

I know that we all are way far ahead from the word “perfect”, but why are there humans that simply want to see you upset and in sadness. What joys do you get in ruining people’s lives? I am sorry to say you are one of the worst people to ever exist. There is still time to change so why can’t you?

 

Coming to me

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I love to do quizzes online and I am absolutely keen on them, but there is one thing about them that puts me on an edge. It’s the question of what quality do you think you have or lead with or what quality your friend thinks is the best/dominant in you.

Questions like these make me pause and rethink everything about myself. Every quality that I think I have, had or is nonexistent burst open in me.

I have this version of myself in my mind that I think I am, some very few selective people get it to see it and to others lie another side of me that is real but also not completely authentic and real, or so I think?

What if that non authentic and less real was the real me but that doesn’t bring me a 100% happiness and joy to myself, so that option is cut out.

I have this whole version of me in my head. I know I am the person who knows how to have fun only in the comfort of people that I really love and can be myself with. For a matter of fact, I know when I shut off that’s in the presence of people I aint that comforable with, I talk less, I shut myself off because well I dont feel the it factor.

I can be quite the introvert and the extrovert. More of an introvert and also an ambivert. I like that. It might change as times passes by, but for now I am alright with it. But the bigger question still remains, what qualities/traits do I possess, the qualities/traits that are in the human code of conduct? How do I define myself?

Many of the times, defining myself in a set of words/sentences proves to be impossible and a mind numbing task. I am in loss of words for certain adjective traits. I do know some of them but what if other people think that to be false? Should I care? At most times, I tend not to, but I also do.

But I do know that exists certain traits about me, even if the world disagrees, I know that it not to be true because I believe so in myself.

Lesson trying to be learnt: So as of now, I am close to figuring it out, but then new stuff keeps coming along the way.  It’s okay if you havent figured it out or you can’t define yourself in a set of stringed words. I guess you just keep discovering more and more about yourself as time passes by. You learn a lot, you change a lot, there are a lot of lot’s basically.

You are and might differ from time to time. You are going to go through a lot of things.

Just remember, someday. It will all end soon, so try to do the best you can and try to live the best you can because you live only once.

( PS: I do believe in reincarnation, but that’s an other whole complicated topic of discussion, you just live life now.)

The world

There are millions of people out there in this world. They are different.

Some might shock you, some might intrigue you, some might scare you. You are going to get a lot of emotions and feel a lot of things from this world and people in it. Some people probably are the way they want to be and it might hurt you or bring you joy.

That adventure is out for you to discover. I haven’t been on that adventure quite fully yet, but I am hoping to be or have I already been on it.

I think we all are unique and different in certain and many ways.

This is intriguing now….

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Lesson learnt: The world is a teacher and you are a student of it. The roles can also be switched if you want them to be. The world works in the most mysterious and intriguing ways as possible.

 

The finale

So why have people been made the way they are? Why have I been made this way?

Circumstances, family, life, friendships, the stories/movies/music that they listen to and have become obessed with, passions, the past, the present, the future, the people in it, the society, The World.

I have been watching a lot of movies, scrolling through my phone, reading a lot of books,  spending time with family and friends, talking to people, listening to music, observing the world and it’s stories.

Each of the above task has a quest and a story in itself. I am trying to learn and understand more about the people in this world and why. I love talking to people, not the regular talks, the talks that intrigue the world and me, theories and more. I like listenting to stories of people and what they have to say.

I am eager to live life and move through the stories and stages that life has in store for me.

Lesson learnt: The possibilites are endless or so. You are going to go through a lot, learn a lot and feel a lot more. There are still many more lessons to be learnt.

 

 

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